This post was originally written on October 26, 2008.
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I had to go back a week later for another Methotrexate shot since my hormone levels were barely going down. I waited through all of May, June, and most of July before my numbers finally zeroed out. It was such a slow and painful process! I just wanted it all to be over with, and I had to go back twice per week for blood tests the entire duration.
When I eventually passed the pregnancy in mid-June, it was the most awful, painful experience of my life. I won’t lie. Physically, I went through the worst pain in my uterus I’d ever felt. I had contractions for hours on end that got more and more painful. Just like I’ve always seen on childbirth shows on TV, I would feel the huge need to push. I spent two days doing this and lost huge quantities of tissue from “in there.” In the worst moment of pain, I was home alone and passed the pregnancy in the toilet.
I would not wish this moment on anyone. I just sort of sat there exhausted, sweaty and crying. I know it sounds gross, but I fished it out so I could inspect it closely. The mass was grayish and blue, and the tissue it was on was the size of my hand. I didn’t know what to do with it… I couldn’t recognize much of what I was looking at. So I put it back in the water and cried for a while. Then, as quickly as possible I hit the flush lever on the toilet so that I couldn’t change my mind. I said a prayer and left the room to go lay down.
Nobody talks about this part. Nobody wants to “go there.” And I only share this because so many people go through this but feel they cannot share. Well, I mentioned in my first post that this was candid, so I won’t apologize for being detailed. It’s real life and it was horrible. How would you feel if you were faced with flushing your once-flourishing little baby bean down the toilet? It was a terrible moment etched in my memory forever and I hope that those of you who have gone through it can understand why I share. And I also hope that those of you who haven’t will never know the feeling.
Hellobee Series: Mrs. Hide & Seek’s TTC Journey part 2 of 9
1. Flashback: Loss One by Mrs. Hide and Seek2. Flashback: Loss Number One Part Two by Mrs. Hide and Seek
3. Flashback: Loss Number Two by Mrs. Hide and Seek
4. Flashback: Losses Number 3 and 4 by Mrs. Hide and Seek
5. The Soothsayer by Mrs. Hide and Seek
6. Thoughts on Miscarriage by Mrs. Hide and Seek
7. MTHFR C667T by Mrs. Hide and Seek
8. A T-Shaped Uterus by Mrs. Hide and Seek
9. Flashback: Reflecting by Mrs. Hide and Seek
guest
I can’t imagine this moment and how horrible it was/is. I’m so sorry. I opted for a D & C precisely so I wouldn’t have to go through this emotional and physical pain, but I’m not sure it’s better. Thank you for sharing this.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Wow, Mrs. H&S… this was so hard to read. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what this was like for you, but it sounds so horrible. Thank you for being so honest about your experience and sharing your story with us.
grape / 99 posts
That was really hard to read. I cannot imagine having to go through such an experience. Thanks for sharing your story.
admin / watermelon / 14210 posts
@kelly – i think a d&c wasn’t an option because mrs. h&s had a rare form of ectopic pregnancy?
thanks so much for sharing your story. i think it takes someone very strong to share this!
honeydew / 7968 posts
thanks for sharing your story. i, fortunately, was able to undergo a d&c, so didn’t have to deal with that.
my cousin had to deliver her 5-month old stillborn baby. i didn’t ask for details. =T
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I’m sorry you had to go through this.
GOLD / olive / 65 posts
Thanks everyone. This post was hard to write back when I wrote it, but was cathartic to my healing. It made me feel so much better when I got it all out; and I have had so many people email me with comments about how they went through a similar thing and they were glad they weren’t alone. I probably wouldn’t be quite as candid nowadays, but I’m still happy to have shared.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
Thank you for sharing your story. I had a missed miscarriage in August and went through much of the same, but not over a prolonged period of time and it was the most painful thing ever. Posting your story is so brave.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for your sharing your story in such transparent ways.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
thanks for sharing mrs. h&S– my first miscarriage was also naturally– and i passed the tissues in the toilet at the ER. worst feeling ever…
kiwi / 718 posts
oh honey. I’m so sorry.
grapefruit / 4997 posts
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I had my miscarriage at 11 weeks pregnant and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. On the outside, it looked like I kept it together but I cried myself to sleep night after night. Almost a year later, I still find myself crying randomly when I think about that experience.
pea / 20 posts
I am so so sorry for your loss, and for the physical and emotional pain that it came with. Thank you for sharing this. I was also “fortunate” enough to have a d&c, and while it was in its way the worst experience of my life, I was thankful that at least it was “over” relatively quickly. Hugs.
guest
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guest
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guest
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