I have not always been an equal partner to Mrs. Bee in raising our kids. Over time, I’d like to think that I have grown as a father over the past two years or so — especially over the past year, when Bee became pregnant with baby #2 and we welcomed Olive into our family. I really love being a dad, and feel like my contribution to our family will only grow with time.

Certain things have really helped me become a better partner in parenting. I thought I’d jot them down here, in case they’re helpful for any other couples out there struggling with the same issues.  

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Please note: I’m using the term “dad” to refer to my own experiences, but much of the below applies to any less-involved parent.

1. Give Dad a Responsibility

When Charlie was born, I did my best to help out. What that meant was that Mrs. Bee was responsible for everything, and I would help her whenever she asked. This is not a good formula for an equal partnership.

Over time, we’ve learned that things go best when I am the primary person responsible for a parenting responsibility. Then Mrs. Bee can help when I ask her.

For example, I’ve been 100% responsible for Charlie’s wakeups ever since Bee got pregnant with Olive about a year ago. That means that if Charlie wakes up at 4 am like he did yesterday, I am the one who has the baby monitor and goes and gets him (actually lately, I sometimes sleep on the floor next to his crib since he’s been having trouble getting to sleep).

I don’t have recent pics of Charlie sleeping in his crib, so here’s a rare pic of him napping on the couch.

After Charlie wakes up, I am responsible for watching Charlie and playing with him all morning. For example, this morning he woke up at 6:51 and we used our morning time to make a painting and to eat breakfast (well he didn’t eat it, but I tried). Then around 8:15, we went to the nursery to hang out with Olive and Mrs. Bee. Sometimes if Charlie woke up really early, Bee will come out early and spell me while I nap; yesterday for example, I only got two hours of sleep before Charlie woke up at 4 am so she came out and helped watch him (god bless her heart!).

The main point here is that I am the person responsible for getting and watching Charlie in the mornings, and Bee is the person who helps when she can. This has really helped us shift our parenting dynamic towards a more equal partnership.

I’m now also responsible for Charlie’s daycare dropoff and pickups, his bath time, and his nighttime routtine. Being in charge of the entire nighttime routine has been huge for us, because it means that I have to think about and plan for the whole evening to make sure that Charlie goes down to sleep (and stays down!). It’s great to be able to control the whole bath/bedtime/wakeup routine… so if something goes wrong and he stirs around 1 am (like he did last night), I know if it’s something I did or if he’s feeling under the weather.

Bottom line: give Dad huge chunks of responsibility, and he will often rise to the occasion.

2. Put Dad in Charge of Calming and Swaddling Baby

Many families use nursing to calm a baby. While effective, this can often leave dads feeling not so useful.

Putting dads in charge of calming babies at night can be a great way to get a dad involved. Have them watch the DVD for The Happiest Baby On The Block. Men often make great swaddlers, and mastering the 5 Ss is a great way for dads to get involved.

My biggest parenting regret is that I didn’t master the 5 Ss, and take more ownership of nighttime calming. As a new dad, it took me a while to really feel connected to our newborns. If I had taken ownership of calming and swaddling, I would’ve connected to our babies much sooner and that would’ve made a big difference. Sorry babies and Mrs. Bee!

3. Involve Dad with decisions 

Sometimes, one parent will end up researching an issue, talking to doctors, and then making a decision on their own. Then the other parent is informed of the final decision, and doesn’t really have a chance to give input or be involved.

Sometimes, this is just the way things have to be; after all, both parents are often busy and can’t both make it to the doctor every time. But whenever possible, consider sending Dad to the doctor alone.

Last month, I noticed that Charlie’s rash on his back kept on coming back even though we were using eczema cream and hydrocortisone. His eyes were also red, and he was throwing up a lot. None of these symptoms were that unusual for him, but I was worried that the three symptoms together might mean he was sick with something serious (we’ve learned the hard way that rashes can mean something more than eczema).

So Bee and I discussed Charlie’s symptoms, and decided together to have him checked out. We made an appointment with our pediatrician, and I took him there by myself.


Charlie sick at the doctor’s office.  Note the redness around eyes.

It turns out that he had three unrelated and common ailments: bacterial conjunctivitis, an eczema flareup and a cold. But it felt great that I had noticed all the symptoms, and gotten him to the doctor to have him checked out. And now I’ve taken a growing ownership of Charlie’s health, and am sure that I’ll start taking him to more doctor’s appointments over the coming months.

What it means when a dad wants constant thanks

I’ve noticed that a lot of guys like to get regular pats on the back for their work around the house and for baby.  At first I thought that a lot of guys must have “words of affirmation” as their primary love language. But I’ve realized over time that there’s another dynamic at work here.

Often, guys will feel insecure about whether or not they are contributing to the household . So asking constant feedback is useful to know if you’re adding value.  I’ve found that as my insecurity about my contribution to the house has decreased, I find myself caring less if I get feedback about how I am doing (positive or not).

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It’s taken me a long time to become a more equal parenting partner. I know it’s been hard on Mrs. Bee, and I wish I had learned the above sooner rather than later. I hope to make it up to her by becoming a better and better father to our kids over the coming years!

Is your SO an equal parenting partner? What ways have you guys found to make sure the partnership feels fair and equal to both parents?