When Charlie was born, I had trouble connecting to him. I had never really seen a newborn before. I didn’t know almost anything about being a parent, let alone being an equal partner in parenting. In Charlie’s first year of life, Mrs. Bee mostly raised him while I focused on work and helped out when I could.

The thing I’m least proud of is that when I did have time with our newborn Charlie, I wasn’t fully present with him. I just wasn’t at a place where I loved to spend time with him.  I would check my iPhone or have the TV on, rather than focus fully on him.  Part of it was that Charlie couldn’t walk or talk yet, and so I didn’t really have a way to connect with him. But also, I kind of figured that he was just a baby. I knew I would be a good dad some day… I would make it up to him.

Right around that time, I stumbled across this post by Fred Wilson, a venture capitalist here in New York, that helped me put things in perspective: 

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[B]eing present is a struggle in everything I do and yet it is the most important thing you can do. Today is the 23rd anniversary of the day [my wife] and I were married. And it is Father’s day. A pretty special day in our family.

I got up early and took a long bike ride this morning and reflected on 23 years of marriage and almost 20 years of fatherhood. I thought about a time fifteen years ago when our kids were young and I was starting Flatiron Partners, the first venture firm I helped to start. I was working super hard and still had not made any money in the venture capital business after a decade in it. We had moved out of the city and were living in the suburbs. I was catching the early train and struggling to get home before the kids went to bed. [My wife] had stopped working, was missing the city and feeling alone and overwhelmed.

Around that time, I attended an offsite of a larger private equity firm and there was a organizational psychologist who gave a talk on work life balance. He said something I’ll never forget. He said that you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they turn into teenagers, tune you out, then turn into adults and build their own lives. I thought about my kids who were five, three, and a baby and realized that time was short and I needed to be present in their lives in every way that I could. And I committed right there and then to do that. And I’ve done a pretty decent job of it. Not perfect by any means. But much better than my yoga practice. …

Being present in a relationship, whether it is with your kids, your spouse, or anyone important in your life is hard work, particularly for overstimulated type A personalities like me and many of the people who read this blog.

Fred’s post really made an impact on me (one of the overstimulated type A personalities that read his blog). I had kind of been counting on Charlie’s childhood and teenage years to “catch up” and become the World’s Greatest Dad. But Fred had a good point: you only have 10-12 years before they shift their focus from their family to their friends.

And in fact, sometimes you don’t even have that! Bee and I were chatting at the playground with a mom about Fred’s theory, and she said that her kids started tuning her out when they became 8 or 9. According to her, the “tweens” phenomenon is very real and has extended teen-like behavior down to 4th grade.  If that’s true, then these early years are even more precious!

Charlie turned two a few months ago, and so we’re already 25% of the way through his 8-year window. That means that I only have six years left where prioritizing him will make a really big difference.  Otherwise, I could end up like the dad in this sad song:

Since reading Fred’s post, I’ve made a big effort to prioritize my kids more in my daily life. That means two things:

* Making time to spend with my kids and wife.
* Being focused and present as much as possible when I’m with my kids and wife.

Making time has been easier for me than being focused and present.  Like Fred mentioned, being present is HARD. I’ve only slowly realized that technology has made it much harder for me to be present with my family. I just can’t resist checking my email, or seeing if someone has commented, blogged, or reblogged my content online. It’s so addictive!  I’ve gotten better at resisting the siren call of the ‘net, but have also found a way to make it a bit easier for me. As a start, I’ve started turning my iPhone off when I’m out with the family at dinner. It’s made a huge difference.

Everyone that needs me is sitting right at that dinner table. I just have to keep reminding myself that, and be truly present as much as possible.  I find it hard sometimes to be truly present though. How do you put everything aside mentally so that you can truly focus on and be present with your SO and your kids? It can be hard, especially when work and life get stressful. I’d love to hear how you guys do it!

What keeps you present when you’re spending time with your family?