“It’s easier if I just do it myself.”
Sinister, right?
OK, not really. In fact, it’s perfectly innocent. And it’s usually true. Otherwise, we wouldn’t fall prey nearly as often.
This particular phrase, henceforth known as the MDPIM, claimed me early on.
Picture this: At some unholy hour, a six-week-old baby starts to whine and squirm in his bassinet. He’s hungry. Dad, who usually sleeps through these displays, rather miraculously wakes up this time. “Want me to give him a bottle?” he asks.
Mom, who is used to sleeping in no more than 3- or 4-hour chunks, sighs. There are a couple of pumped bottles in the fridge, yes. But she would like to save them for other circumstances … and the baby is only used to the boob in the middle of the night … and he’s within arm’s reach … and yawn…
“It’s OK …. It’s easier if I just do it myself. Thanks, honey.”
Now, it’s a year later. And if I could, I would go back, slap that woman silly, march down to the fridge for that bottle, and let Dad have at it. Because after uttering the MDPIM, I unwittingly set a precedent: I’ve got the boobs. If I’m here, I’ll feed him. Don’t worry about it. Even now, after I’ve finally night-weaned my 13-month-old, I’m the first one to respond to a night waking. Because that’s what the kid expects, and it’s easier if I just … well, you know.
The MDPIM has bled over into other child-rearing tasks, too. The entire bedtime ritual, for instance. Because it still involves breast-feeding, it’s just easier to claim it as my domain—and fear of shaking up THE ROUTINE has squarely kept it there. The naptime routine? Since it’s sleep-related, 19 times out of 20, that’s mine, too.
Now, lest you think my husband has gotten off scot-free, he hasn’t. He is a wonderful at giving baths, making the kiddo’s meals, and even changing the occasional diaper. But these are all things I do, too, and (except for baths) do more than him.
I guess I could be mad. But let’s be honest … I only have myself to blame. I may not have thought the MDPIM was so bad way back when, but now I know better. And even though I know better, I still utter it sometimes.
Because old habits die hard …
(… and it really is easier if I just do it myself).
Hellobee Series: Mrs. Yoyo part 15 of 16
1. Taming PCOS by Mrs. Yoyo2. Birth Story: Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
3. Breastfeeding: Rocky Beginnings, Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
4. Getting Over the Little-Boy Blues by Mrs. Yoyo
5. (Still) Swaddling by Mrs. Yoyo
6. On the Road with Baby in Tow by Mrs. Yoyo
7. He's not adopted by Mrs. Yoyo
8. Feminism, motherhood, and Facebook by Mrs. Yoyo
9. Baby Growth: It’s Not a Contest by Mrs. Yoyo
10. Review: Baby Connect for iPhone by Mrs. Yoyo
11. Resentment by Mrs. Yoyo
12. Confessions of a non-worry wart by Mrs. Yoyo
13. The Reluctant SAHM by Mrs. Yoyo
14. Digital Inadequacy by Mrs. Yoyo
15. The Most Dangerous Phrase in Motherhood by Mrs. Yoyo
16. Baby gear: Save or splurge? by Mrs. Yoyo
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
Eek! I could see myself doing that big time when our little one arrives. I guess it makes sense that it would cause a chain reaction. My mom always says, “Be careful what you tell your spouse because you might realize in a year or two that it ‘trained’ them in a way you didn’t expect.. Then, it’s nearly impossible to undo it.”
Note to self: let Mr. Blue do any task he wants!
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
Thank you for this post! This is going to be really important for me to learn. I tend to be a BIT of a control freak and usually prefer to just do things myself because I think I do them the “right way”. But I don’t want to get in that habit. Raising a baby is tough work and I’m going to need help, and I know my husband WANTS to help!
squash / 13764 posts
I will definitely need to remember this…I tend, even now, to do stuff around the house because I know how to do it quickly and “better”. I don’t want to fall into the same pattern with parenting!
blogger / apricot / 366 posts
Oh my goodness, I find myself completely going down this path! Bedtime is all me and even if Mr. H does try and help, I wait in the wings ready to spring into action to help him out. Because, you know, the way that I do it is certainly better and of course he doesn’t know all of the tricks…and if she doesn’t get to sleep well, then that throws off my entire night. Gah. It really is easier if I do it myself, isn’t it?!
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Yikes – thanks for this post! It’s definitely a good lesson to learn and I’m hoping I learn it early instead of having to do everything myself (because it’s easier)!
admin / watermelon / 14210 posts
great post. i’m so guilty of this, which is why i put olive down for every nap and bedtime!
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
I’ve done this a few times but I just let DH have at it for the most part! I figure that we both work full time so it’s not as if I have all the extra energy to take care of DD by myself so I definitely have him help.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
Yep, I’m guilty of that too; but when I got pregnant with #2 I had to have the husband bath my oldest and he’s been doing it since. I just physically couldn’t do it b/c of my morning sickness and tiredness 24-7. Now he primarily bathes him and puts him down for the night unless he hurts his back like yesterday. In our experience it was easy to change things up on him when he was younger than now. Now, he has specific requests and if I don’t bath him in a certain way he’ll ask for it. He ended up asking his daddy to go up and sing Rock a Bye Baby while he puts him into his crib. He refuse to let me do it. That’s their thing, I guess. I was a little sad b/c I wanted to do it.
However, in other regards like things around the house and other things with the kids, sometimes it is easier if I did it than to explain to him where things are (and he still can’t find it). But, yes, sometimes I do feel like I should let him do it and figure it out. But most times he forgets where things are or what I told him before or how to do certain things b/c the kids like it that way that…”it is easier if I do it myself.” LOL!
persimmon / 1329 posts
i swore i wouldn’t fall into this landmine after seeing my sister do this with my nephew and BIL, but easier said than done! i think it’s also a lack of patience. i just can’t seem to let go and allow my DH to do it his way even though it may take longer or may not be the way i want him to do things. so guilty of this!
grape / 75 posts
Amen sister! I am totally guilty of this!!!
pomelo / 5178 posts
Count me as guilty, too! I totally did this with my daughter, and came to regret it. I think, now that we have two, I’m less likely to utter this phrase, but it still happens occasionally. I’m working on letting go, though!
cherry / 230 posts
My hubs and I share our bedtime routine so if there is only one of us, it doesn’t phase Camo too much. We alternate between who changes his bum and who actually puts him down, but we’re nearly always both there. Camo will not sleep properly though if he knows Daddy is home and he hasn’t had any “daddy-time” that day. Hubs is actually Cameron’s favourite person at this point by far. I think though it has a lot to do with the fact he doesn’t see him during the day. On weekends we share everything too. I genuinely think he’d be okay with either of us doing anything. But I think the only time I ever utter that phrase is for dishes and laundry, not anything to do with the babes.
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
Oh my was I guilty of this in my first pregnancy. It’s also the reason why I was becoming so resentful of my husband because he wasn’t doing much. The 2nd time around, I’m a little more “loose” about it… but ya, Sienna is 2.5 months and he has yet to change her diaper. (but, he does take care of mavrick which also means diaper changes)
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
I already decided that after 3-4 weeks of breast feeding I will pump exclusively, for this purpose of DH being able to help out and feel included in all activities. I need DD to be able to take a bottle from him so she can take one at daycare.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
This is good advice. I’ll have to remember it.
GOLD / cherry / 182 posts
Great advice! It sometimes feels so good to be the one with the “magic touch.” Well, that is until I’m completely a zombie and barely able to function.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
ohhhhhhh this was SO me!!! i used that line allll the time, and it didn’t help that baby HH was a huge mama’s girl and always wanted me so i would just do it because it seemed easier on everyone.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
I think this is a true hidden cost of breastfeeding that doesn’t get discussed very often. The bond between (breastfeeding) mother and child sometimes comes at a cost to the bond between the other parent and child. Not to mention, the cost to the (breastfeeding) mother’s sanity!
GOLD / coffee bean / 41 posts
omggggg, I am guilty of this, too. I wish I had known about this early on, but now I’m just resigned to accepting it.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Ha, it’s so true. I have an absolute rule though, if Mr. S is home, he’s on baby duty. Call it bonding time, if you want, but he’s changing diapers, giving baby S his nighttime bottle, getting him in the AM, everything. It’s only easier for me to do it when daddy’s 6,000 miles away
GOLD / apricot / 337 posts
HAHA. This totally made me laugh out loud! I didn’t breastfeed, but I say that all the time to any task that I want done just so in our house. You’re right, we really should eradicate that phrase!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
@mrbee: agreed!!
@Mrs. Stroller: Ohemgee me too!! When the mister is home, he is the one playing with DS, changing diapers, swaddling for naps etc.
I am actually really good about this because I KNOW I will be a better mom if I have consistent break times.
DH gets up just as often at night as I do. If DS needs a feeding, I’ll give him one, but then DH takes him and puts him back to sleep for me. If DS wakes up only an hour after a feeding, DH puts him back to sleep. We both suffer sleep deprivation lol
He probably changes AS many diapers as I do and equally shares in all baby responsibilities. For this I am so grateful. I won’t mind at all if my son is a daddy’s boy
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
@Coco Bee: That’s exactly how we did it when M woke up at night too! Now on weekends he brings M to me after changing his diap in the AM. And then while I nurse he takes the dog out. I can’t complain about a thing
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@Mrs. Hopscotch: Totally. Part of the reason I’m control-freakish about it is because I want to maximize the chances that I have a relaxing night after the baby is in bed!
@erwoo: I have told Papa Y several times that his workload would drastically increase if we ever have a second!
@CameronsMomma: @Mrs. Stroller: I bow down to you! Would love that kind of flexibility now.
@jessiejo17: Pumping more would have helped me … but I HATED it and since I didn’t have to do it often (I did work but only a couple days a week, and only a couple minutes away) I eventually stopped altogether when I could.
@mrbee: TOTALLY. And I was so scared of giving more bottles when I needed to and all that. I basically just backed myself into a corner. I’m so glad I did/still do BF but there are a few things I’d like to do differently if/when there’s a next time.
guest
Love this post! I have been there so many times over the years. My “babies” are now 17 & 9. It’s just easier…applies to the kiddos too. I am guilty of doing it myself rather than teaching my kids, I’m paying for it now, the oldest is starting her last year of high school. Her go to life skill is “Mom……”.
It may be easier in the moment to do it yourself, but the long term consequences may not be worth it.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
LOVE THIS. and I def plan on doing a mix of BF/bottlefeeding (as it is made possible) so that I don’t have to be the boob at all feedings. DH very much wants to part of the feeding process too, so it works out hopefully!
cherry / 187 posts
I’ve definitely done that in certain areas, but I made a huge effort not to. We even discussed how we would handle things when our daughter came because I’d heard so many stories of resentful moms who were “trying to do it all.” I knew I could totally be one of them as that’s happened to me with household items that I decide to not get help on and then end up upset that he leaves it all on me.
It was really difficult in the beginning since he couldn’t breastfeed! When my daughter was in the NICU, he would wash the pump parts and get the milk in the storage bags, etc when I had to pump in the middle of the night. I also pumped when she came home so my husband took a shift at night to allow me a long stretch of sleep. I highly recommend doing that to stay sane!