It took me a really long time to associate a word with what I've been feeling. Almost a year, in fact. I absolutely hate feeling the way that I do, but if we're being honest here... there are times that I am jealous and resentful of my husband.
Before we started a family, we had plenty of time together as a couple, time with our friends, and time alone. Papa Jumper camps every summer, and meets up with friends in Vermont for a long weekend for a rally race. He snowboards in the wintertime, and bikes and hikes in the summer. I had my fair share of hobbies, too, but they mostly included traveling to visit my sister in DC or going on shopping sprees with my mom. Now that the baby is here, I feel like my life has been put on hold while his is full steam ahead.
Don't get me wrong... my husband is a devoted father and doting husband. He was up with me for every single night feeding the first four weeks of Baby Jumper's life. Until Chloe was sleep trained, my husband was usually the person who would get up with her in the middle of the night! He's always tried to let me get as much rest as possible, too. I made the decision to be a WAHM, so why am I so resentful?
I think it stems from me feeling like I am a mom 24/7. I never get a break, ever. I live in my momiform of yoga pants and over-sized t-shirts and a topknot. I haven't been alone in the bathroom for 15 months. I have a constant audience when I try to shower, go to the bathroom, or get dressed. Chloe is my little sidekick, so all of my errands are run with her in tow. Sometimes I feel stuck in my house and feel like there's a huge rut in my routine. Nearly every day is the same cook-clean-laundry-work routine for me. It can be boring and monotonous. At times, I feel underappreciated. I hardly ever get a thank you, except from my 14 month old when I give her her big girl milk.
My husband doesn't consider working a break, but at the very least, I consider it 8 hours of adult interaction. He has a 20 minute commute each way and an hour long lunch break. To me, that's a whole lot of time to himself! He enjoys golfing with his friends in the spring and summer, biking and camping. He took several trips last summer, leaving me home with the baby by myself. I was perfectly fine with him taking these trips, and oftentimes encouraged them, but it kind of proves my point that I'm a mom 24/7 while my husband gets a break every once in awhile.
Part of my problem stems from my feelings of guilt. I feel guilty wanting time to myself and I feel guilty leaving my baby behind, so I never ask for time alone. It's part of the reason why we've only had a handful of dates since she's been born, and only two overnight trips to my parents' house.
All of my feelings reared their ugly head this past week. I've been battling mild flu symptoms and a sinus infection for the last week. To my surprise, sick days don't come with being a stay at home mom. (I'm using my sarcasm font here.) It's been an overwhelming week for me trying to balance work, being a mama to a rambunctious toddler, and maintaining our household. It felt like everything was happening at once, and I broke down in tears. This led to Papa Jumper and I having a long talk about this last night, and we're going to work harder for me to get a little bit more alone time.... and I'm going to work harder on not feeling so much guilt.
Have you ever felt jealousy or resentment toward your partner after the baby came along? How did you handle it?
Hellobee Series: Mrs. Jump Rope part 7 of 71. PCOS, Clomid and our journey toward parenthood Part 1 by Mrs. Jump Rope
2. PCOS, Clomid and our journey toward parenthood PT 2 by Mrs. Jump Rope
3. PCOS, Clomid and our journey toward parenthood pt 3 by Mrs. Jump Rope
4. Made With Love Newborn Photos by Mrs. Jump Rope
5. first birthday photoshoot by Mrs. Jump Rope
6. Sleep Training by Mrs. Jump Rope
7. Resentment and Jealousy by Mrs. Jump Rope