I know I’ve been missing for some time now. For that, I am sorry. It’s been so crazy here. A crazy I’ve never known before. It comes with so much emotion, I don’t know what to do with sometimes. There are days when I am so full of joy, so honored, so blessed. I often ask myself, how did I become so lucky to be placed on this path? On this journey?! Then there are days when I want to just put the kids down early for naps and crawl in a ball on my bed and cry, cry, cry. It’s tough – being a mom is tough.
I find myself blessed because I have the two most amazing foster children (still on that road to adoption). The process has been good, but bumpy. It’s been one year exactly this month that my husband and I decided to adopt. Around this time last year, we were taking classes and learning, in theory, what it might be like to have little ones in our home. Now it’s reality. It’s hard to share everything that’s going on, because so much of it has to remain private. But I can tell you that we are still heading towards a specific date that we hope brings us the permission to start the finalization of our adoption. And while we’ve had our eyes set on that light at the end of the tunnel, another light started to peer through.
Our social worker informed us that our two little ones’ birth mom was pregnant again. Since we have her two youngest children, it would make sense that we take in the third. So they could all be together and not split apart (there will be five children altogether – the two oldest are with another family). We’ve had to think on it, pray on it, talk about it, sleep on it, ask a million questions about it. My husband and I ultimately felt a strong sense of peace about it. That it was the right thing to bring this baby in our home. So what does that look like? It looks like two very nervous parents, parenting three little ones all under the age of five and all within a matter of five months. Are we crazy? I don’t know. I think we are just called.
So, there it is. The curve ball that adds a whole lot more questions with limited answers because the adoption process is anything but straightforward. I have to remind myself not to become bitter that our lives aren’t simple. It’s not like being pregnant one day and then going home with your hands full of awe and wonder. It’s having your arms full of awe and wondering if they will be yours forever or for only a short time. It’s a constant journey, but I am telling you: there is no greater joy and blessing than opening your lives up to this kind of unknown. Taking in little strangers and promising them a good life. Promising them you will love, care, protect, play, cheer, build them up and stand up for them. Because if we don’t, who will? I will. I will until my arms are battered and bruised. I will until my home is packed to the brim. I will until we need to drive a school bus. I will until every last cent in our bank is spent. This is what life is about for me.