I read Mrs. Scooter’s recent post on her “village” with lots of interest – and envy! In a perfect world, we should all be lucky enough to have a lot of friends nearby with children who are close in age.
Alas, this isn’t always the case, especially for those of us who have moved a lot.
My village is spread out – way, way out. It includes family members and a few close friends. People I love dearly and hope will always be in my life, even if I can’t talk to them daily, weekly or even monthly. And while these relationships are valuable indeed, not having much of a village where I am now has slowly taken its toll, especially when I don’t have a lot of time or energy for marathon phone calls or e-mails to faraway friends.
A few months ago, I resolved to try to correct this problem. Sure, you can chat up random parents on the playground or in baby classes, as Mr. Bee once recommended, but I also decided I’d try a more formal channel to meet some other women and hopefully form a new village: the mom’s group.
Little Y and I have been on a handful of outings with our mom’s group, including the park, the mall playground and library story time. And I’ve met a lot of very nice, very diverse women. Earthy, crunchy mamas? Check. Moms of multiples? Check. Harried moms of three kids under 3? Check. Recent transplants to the area? Check. A former NFL cheerleader? Check!
So how’s it going? Honestly, it’s a mixed bag. I’m grateful to have some more options for getting out with Little Y, and having women to commiserate with is valuable, even if it’s only for a brief hour on a random Tuesday. The group also stays in touch via a private Facebook group, which is really valuable for advice on schools, local activities and other practical matters. While I haven’t made any close friends yet, it hasn’t been very long. I also find it really hard to have anything close to an in-depth conversation when everyone is preoccupied with whether their kid just bopped another kid on the head, for instance.
That leads me to a few words of wisdom for anyone considering joining a mom’s group:
- See whether there’s a group for moms with children in a similar age range. My group is pretty general, and while I like that diversity, the activities are all over the place. The holiday party was at a local paint-your-own pottery place. You can imagine my terror as I tried to wrangle my toddler in a shop with shelves upon shelves of breakable things.
- Ask for recommendations about particular groups. One woman I already knew steered me away from a group she’d already tried because it was full of drama and judgmental moms – exactly the kind of crowd I want to avoid.
- Suggest meet-ups that work for you. I haven’t done this yet, but I will soon. It can be tricky to find prescheduled activities that work with our schedule, which revolves around naptimes, my freelancing, Papa Y’s work schedule, and other activities that Little Y already enjoys, like his music class.
- Engage moms outside the group if they seem like friend material. Again, I haven’t been very good at this so far, but I think it will be key going forward. As I said before, it’s hard to really get to know someone with a bunch of small kids running around!
If you’re thinking of joining a mom’s group, here are a few places to look:
- MOMS Club (geared specifically toward SAHMs) has more than 2,100 chapters nationwide.
- MOPS: Mothers of Preschoolers has almost 4,000 chapters. Despite its name, your child can be any age from birth through kindergarten. The groups are usually faith-based, but I’m not sure how hardcore that is.
- Meetup often lists several local mom’s groups – this is how I found mine.
- Local churches often have groups geared toward moms.
- If you have a specific interest (moms of multiples, attachment or holistic parenting, children with autism, breastfeeding, minority moms, etc.) a quick Google search will probably tell you whether such groups exist in your area – my city isn’t particularly large, but all of these groups are active here.
- And of course … ask your friends!
Have you joined a mom’s group, or have you thought about joining one?
blogger / persimmon / 1195 posts
I found my group via meet-up! We don’t meet all that often, but we stay in touch on a private FB group, which I really like.
Another suggestion is to ask moms in your neighborhood. Just randomly strike up a convo at the bus stop, even if you’re still sporting a bump. In my area neighborhoods have vibrant yahoo groups that are limited to specific zip codes and require a little inside knowledge to find out about (they’re not publicly listed on yahoo.)
Also, breastfeeding support groups are not only an awesome resource for everything breastfeeding, pumping and everything feeding related, but they’re full of moms! And usually moms with babies similar in age to yours. Mine has a yahoo listserv that’s been absolutely invaluable for all sorts of sleep, eating, breastfeeding and where-to-find-helium-party-balloon related questions.
GOLD / pomegranate / 3695 posts
I want to join a mom’s group at some point! My church has a couple of activities that might be good for this, although I’d love to meet new people as well.
GOLD / nectarine / 2923 posts
I’m a member of a local mom’s group that I found on yahoo groups. They aren’t that active in person but are very active online and on FB. The group is extremely non-judgy and considerate, and it also represents a good mix of age and working situations. They are my go-to for advice on parenting and big-kid questions. I have heard great things about MOPS, but I think it depends on the particular group. The one I looked into only met during the workday, which was not a time I can meet.
GOLD / grapefruit / 4425 posts
I was just thinking about trying out a mom’s group next week! It’s a little scary (showing up to a place you’ve never been before to meet strangers) but I really want to get out and meet new people. Wish me luck!
GOLD / cantaloupe / 5115 posts
I joined a mom’s group through my pediatrician’s office–we met weekly for 6 weeks, and now I see them pretty much weekly as well, just for lunch or to do classes with our LOs. It makes being at home soo much less lonely!
guest
I met my first on through my husbands university. Weekly play date and everyone was like me with family far away. I learned so my much by watching other parents.
We moved and I got connected with my current one on Meetup before the boxes were unpacked. Met a lot of people, including some really great friends for both of us. Several people became my village if my second arrived before my mother.
Now with two it is busier, so I have moved to hosting more meetups at my house. I also do lots independently with meet up friends.
clementine / 787 posts
I’m very fortunate to have an incredible group of eleven other Mum’s to hang with that I met through our childbirth education classes. We meet formally every other week and in the off weeks usually five or six of the Mums will go walking together. Our babies are all born within six weeks of each other so we’re all going through the same stuff!
My only caution with Mum groups is to watch the competitiveness that can rear its ugly head! Even with all our babies being the same age they’re almost impossible to compare due to the different deliveries, parenting philosophies etc yet it’s hard not to be discouraged if your baby is seemingly behind the others.
blogger / olive / 98 posts
good for you for actually doing it! so many of us want it and say we want it but can be distracted with life to make it happen. i think your tips are really useful!
blogger / apricot / 455 posts
Go you!!! I really (really!) need to work on this too. Especially after the past few weeks here… I could use the support and friendship of some local moms! I’ll be coming back to this post. Thanks for writing this up! (Not only for the tips, but it makes me feel less alone!)