It’s 10pm. I’m sitting on my couch with a million things I have yet to do and a million things I want to avoid. And that’s ok. I’m tired. Exhausted. Emotional. Shaky from too much coffee. Too tired to sleep. Instead of being productive today, I was very much unproductive. I thought about doing a fun little project. Catching up on laundry. Sweeping the floors. But in all honesty, I was just too lazy. Too much life is happening right now.
It’s funny. When you’re adopting, you know you’re going to be looked at under a microscope. And you are ok with that, because it’s part of the process and it’s what you signed up for. Some days are easier than others, but slowly it starts to drain you.
This week, the smallest thing happened. I was told we would have to get rid of our coffee table. It was too much of a safety hazard. I felt myself burn up. Really?! I mean, after all our kids have been through and this coffee table is a safety hazard? My husband built this coffee table. He did a dang good job. Seeing it everyday reminds us of some small accomplishment. It’s small, but it makes us happy. So, we put the coffee table away because it’s worth it. Our kids are worth it. It’s just being under that microscope that bothers me. Walking on eggshells. Trying not to make any mistakes that parents make everyday. It begins to take a toll.
I just can’t wait until this is all over. When I can love my kids without feeling eyes peering over my shoulders. Where I don’t have to account for every bump and bruise. Without kicking myself for not being a little bit better. For not having eyes on the back of my head. For not having four arms instead of two.
But I do have one heart. A big one. And I love my kids more each day. I am grateful to be a mom to these precious babies.