Hellobee

Yes this! My mom was the person who got pregnant every time she even thought about it so for it to take me 18 months and finally with the help of Clomid, she never really got it. She told me repeatedly just relax, ugh.

i wish i could forward this to everyone i know. highlighting the “If you suggest that they relax, you should be prepared for a gut punch. Your friend that is up to her ears in IVF pamphlets and RE paperwork has tried to relax. She knows.” it helps to feel not alone on hb. all my friends that had fertility issues still got pregnant within 18 months. i’ve far surpassed that, so even those friends’ comments have become hard to hear.

While I was able to get pregnant with minimal interventions (clomid, 1st round miscarraige, 2nd round successful pregnancy – took a little over a year), I also experienced the stages of grief during that year of trying unsuccessfully. Great post!

All of this is very true and I’ve found that in a way it expands into pregnancy too. As a formerly infertile woman (thank God for IUIs) I worry so much more during my pregnancy than many women who got pregnant right away. Because for me, I’m always assuming the bottom will fall out, that once again I will fail at this. And unlike them, it’s not as simple as trying again, but thousands of dollars and pounds of stress to attempt to be a mom once more. That’s hard for my pregnant friends to understand sometimes, hell it’s even hard for DH to understand sometimes.

One word of advice to those lucky enough to get pregnant without help – don’t try to over sympathize. I had a friend get pregnant right away during my struggle who said to me, “I wish it was you instead.” This was the worst comment I heard the whole time, because really, no you don’t and I wouldn’t either if I were you.

I need to send this to people…I am so tired of people saying to me, “Are you going to adopt?” “You know, plenty of people just don’t have any kids and they’re happy.”

I totally relate with this. Infertility is the death of a dream, and it must be grieved for one to be able to move past it. Worst comment I ever heard from a well-meaning individual: “God means for all people to have biological children. If you’re not able to, you need to deal with your sin and then you’ll be able to have children.” Also, as a new mother to an adopted son, it is hurtful to tell people that they will get pregnant as soon as they adopt. We chose adoption deliberately, and not as a ploy to get pregnant.

@Bree I can’t believe someone said that to you! That’s terrible.

<3 This. So well said.

@Bree I absolutely cannot believe someone actually said that to you! My heart is breaking for you.

“Just relax” is, quite honestly, infuriating for me. You’re right… we’re knee deep in paperwork, forms, insurance letters, covered in bandaids from bloodwork, and duh! It never crossed our minds to “just relax” If it weren’t for our friends/family to tell us to “just relax” we never would have thought of it on our own.

“your friend is mourning”

“Your friend is struggling with the loss of the idea of how her life was supposed to be.”

Yes, and yes. I have friends checking in on me because I’ve become pretty withdrawn from social activities as I work through these medicated cycles and the failure of them. I wish I could easily tell them what I’m going through. And not have to go into any more explanation other than I’m working through something that’s hard to explain – I’ll see you on the other side.

Amen and sing it sister!

I have been there and really just wanted to scream at people, who mean well but just don’t get it. I wish I had seen this two years ago because I would have forwarded it to every person that wanted to be supportive.

@Leialou: I agree, that is insane that someone said that to you @Bree. How ignorant!!

This is awesome and so how I feel all the time lately! SO glad I’m not alone!

This was so well written- I wish I had this several years ago… I would have emailed it to everyone and added at the end- “no need to and please do not respond- just take in what was just said!”

Yes! I could’ve written this letter. I would often tell pregnant friends “I’m happy for you but sad for me” and that seemed to help them understand at least a little bit.

Thank you for writing this.

I do have to say that the adoption comments don’t bother me. We are going to try a couple more IUIs before starting the adoption process. I do understand that adoptions and/ or IUIs/IVFs are not for everyone. Each one takes a different kind of strength. Having to wait is hard enough. Then having to take the next step… Ugh, I have no words.

I have found that it can be very comforting hearing a fertile friend tell me that she is sorry we are having trouble and that she is thinking of us. Just those simple words are all I need.

I agree with everything in this post, especially the grieving.

I found a quote by Laura Bush, who went through infertility for a long time before concieving the twins, and I think it sums it up really well:

“The English language lacks the words ‘to mourn an absence.’ For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only ‘I am sorry for your loss.’ But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture the particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”

@Mrs. Polish: Thanks for this post. I went through a very long period of infertility too myself so I can relate.

I know you said infertile women don’t talk to fertile women about their pains in infertility, but there are times they do bring the topic up by themselves. What would be your suggestion to fertile women about appropriate things to say to infertile women about infertility, when that happens?

@Jetsa: My mom had IF, but obviously she got pregnant. I’ve tried to help her understand that just because we’re similar we’re not the same. Relaxing is so hard.

@everbee: Big hugs to you my friend.

@Mrs. Tictactoe: I am so happy to hear that Clomid worked for you. Grief is hard, and it helps to hear success stories!

@Marionberry: well said. I don’t have anything to add because you’ve covered it all.

@spaniellove: It’s hard to hear what people say even though they mean well. Especially if you’re hearing it over and over.

@bree: Oh my goodness! I cannot believe someone would say such a thing. How awful. God loves us, he would never hurt us like that.

@sweetooth: I know what you’re saying. I broke up with my best friend and I really can’t even say why now. I couldn’t handle social situations and even though my husband was in it with me, I isolated myself. You can’t talk about it with people until you’re ready, but once I started explaining to people what was going on, I felt a little more free. It’s so easy for us to carry all of the burden ourselves, but our friends ask because they care about us.

@bluestripedbee: I should have included in my post that the best comment I ever got was from a fertile friend who simply sent me a message and said “I hate this for you. This sucks”. I still tear up thinking about how it made me feel. Just those few words helped me to understand that she cared about me and knew how much pain I was in, even if she hadn’t experienced it. The adoption comments never bothered me, because I always felt like we would adopt either way. However, a friend of my moms went through 6 IVF cycles and numerous other treatments trying TTC for twenty years. She told me that it upset her so much when people, and even doctors, would suggest she adopt because she knew that it isn’t something she could ever do. Some people just can’t.

@loveletter: I love Laura Bush. I read the book that quote was written in and cried and cried. She said it so perfectly. I encourage you to check out her autobiography if you like her. The book is mostly about her life as First Lady, but she does discuss their problems TTC however briefly. They didn’t have a super easy road, and it helps to know that even people we don’t think we have anything in common with aren’t so different than us after all.

@Irene: I don’t know that I can actually say what fertile women should say. Even the most innocent of comments can be offensive to a woman depending on her state of mind. One time my husband was making fun of Ross from an episode of Friends but I misunderstood and thought he was making fun of me and my feelings got hurt. If I hadn’t been so stressed out from having so many things on my mind I wouldn’t have taken it so personally. All of that to say that sometimes the best thing to say is “this sucks, I hate this, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.” A fertile friend of mine said those words to me and I cried because I felt like she really cared about how I was feeling and even though she hadn’t experienced it, she knew it was hard.

This post is so very true. People do mean well, but it’s one of the most sensitive subjects there is & really, it hurts. I can’t count the number of times in our nearly 2-year journey that I bawled my eyes out because of comments made to us.

I’m so grateful to be pregnant now (thanks to several rounds of IVF) but I will never, ever, get over that struggle.

Like Irene, I really wish I knew what to say to be helpful. A dear friend of mine has been suffering from infertility for about 3 years now. In the beginning, she talked to me about all of her appointments, but as the years wore on, she stopped. And, I just wish that I knew what to say to ease her pain even just a little bit. I care for her so much, and just hope that she knows that.