My thoughts on birth mothers and adoptive mothers have been an evolving process over the last four years. When we first started out we were taught about open adoption and how beautiful a relationship with birth mothers can be. I found myself even looking forward to what that would look like. When it came to it actually happening, it was not as easy as it sounded. As an adoption unfolds, it’s possible that adoptive parents will find out information about the biological family. This could hurt or help the ability to maintain respect. In our case I had a very difficult time getting over some of the hurt and anger I felt during our contested adoption.
I think the main thing to remember, and this is something that I tell myself often, is that she still decided to place him in my arms. No matter what else happened during our yearlong battle, she held true to her decision. She made the choice to be his first mother, not his only mother. She gave me the chance to be his second and for that I am eternally grateful.
The word “second” can be a tricky, loaded word. I am my son’s second mother, which means there was a first. When I hear the words first and second I quickly think of competition or winning. I am not sure if I am the only one, but it is the first thing that pops into my mind, except for when it comes to my son. I am his second mother, but there is no competition, or blue ribbon winner. It is simply a statement of time. Before he was born there was a young woman who made a difficult decision. That decision meant that she would carry her pregnancy to full term and deliver a healthy beautiful boy who would never be hers to raise. He would be mine. She would hand him to me in her hospital room and call me his mother.
I strongly believe that it does not take a pregnancy to be a mother. I also believe that once a woman has carried a child, she is forever a mother. There are two women in my son’s life. It would not matter whether our adoption was closed or open, that fact would remain. I am my son’s second mother but that does not mean that I am second best, or of lower standing. We are equals. We are both women who love a child, each of us in our own way.
I am his mommy, momma, or mom. I have fed him, clothed him, kissed his booboos, read him stories, played with him, taken care of him when he was sick and snuggled him to sleep. I get the honor of seeing him every day. I hug and kiss him whenever I can, although he thinks it’s too much (apparently when you’re four you are already too cool for mommy’s kisses). I do things that she gave up the chance to do in order to give him the life she thought he deserved. But that does not mean he was not loved or was not wanted. This is what I hope to pass on to my son as he learns more about his story.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Love this
honeydew / 7589 posts
Beautiful.
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
Bawling.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Bawling my eyes out.
squash / 13764 posts
This is so lovely!
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
Beautiful.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I got so misty-eyed reading this. Beautifully written, incredibly touching..
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
That was beautiful!!
cherry / 116 posts
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I went back and read your post on the contested adoption. It’s neat to hear that you’re in a good place after a whirlwind of change! Adoption is a beautiful way that families are knitted together. I find myself thinking of my son’s birth mom from time to time. Ours is a facilitated adoption, though we got to meet his birth mom when we first met him. I know that she will always be a part of our lives, and I wonder what this will look like as he grows up.
pomegranate / 3595 posts
This is a beautiful sentiment and wonderfully written post–thank you so much for sharing and for your honesty!
apricot / 468 posts
Trying to make us all cry! Great story
pomelo / 5321 posts
This is such a beautiful post!
GOLD / olive / 70 posts
That is one lucky boy. Well said!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
Thank you everyone for your kind words. Sorry If I made you tear up, I didn’t mean to.
@MRS. BEEMER: It is interesting to see how things unfold as the journey continues. I hope you have lots of positive experiences!
pear / 1699 posts
This is beautiful
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
Thank you for sharing. We definitely don’t have the same difficult history that you do, but it’s been really fun to stretch ourselves and be open to stretching ourselves to expand our notion of family. It is good for our daughter
Really appreciate your wise perspective. I think of adoptive moms that have gone before me as my pioneers and mentors
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
This is the most beautiful post re:adoption ever.
pomelo / 5326 posts
I loved this post. Thank you for sharing. On my way to read your contested adoption post now….
grape / 90 posts
That’s it, I’m starting a PAC: Mrs. Train for President. Your posts are the best.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
Beautiful.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Such a beautiful post.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
truth.
thank you.
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
What a beautiful post!