Hellobee

Charlie has been going through a difficult phase for the past few weeks! He has been very clingy, easily frustrated and quick to throw tantrums.  We’ve written a bunch about tantrums previously, including some ways on how to avoid tantrums (Mrs. Jacks had some great posts on tantrum avoidance using morning routines and problem solving; they’re definitely worth checking out!).

Many of our usual tricks have not been working, but one tantrum avoidance technique has been really working! It came from an article called, “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage,” where a woman applied training techniques designed for exotic animals to her husband:

I listened to a professional trainer describe how he had taught African crested cranes to stop landing on his head and shoulders. He did this by training the leggy birds to land on mats on the ground. This, he explained, is what is called an “incompatible behavior,” a simple but brilliant concept.

Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer taught the birds something else, a behavior that would make the undesirable behavior impossible. The birds couldn’t alight on the mats and his head simultaneously.

She tried it out on her husband, and found it to be very effective:

At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for [my husband] Scott to keep him from crowding me while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up parsley for him to chop or cheese for him to grate at the other end of the kitchen island. Or I’d set out a bowl of chips and salsa across the room. Soon I’d done it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked.

I can now tell you that this technique also works really well with toddlers. Well at least, with a toddler named Charlie who has been very difficult lately!  It’s a really powerful way to avoid situations that result in frayed patience and potential tantrums!

Here are a few examples:

1. Staying safe in the kitchen

The Behavior: Charlie loves to cook breakfast with me and after we prep the ingredients, he often drags his step stool close to the fire so that he can see the food cook. This really makes me worry that he will get burned, and slows down the whole cooking progress.  Normally that’s fine but sometimes when I am pressed for time, I really need to just prep breakfast as quickly as possible.

The first time I was truly pressed for time, I just told Charlie that I was in a hurry and that he couldn’t climb up on his step stool to watch the food cook.  As you can imagine, that didn’t go over very well… it triggered a mini meltdown that was at risk of becoming more.  So I put on my thinking cap, and tried to think up an incompatible behavior.  The first step was to figure out what I wanted him to do instead.

Desired behavior: I wanted him to be far away from the stove, doing something very safe while I cooked as fast as I could.

The Incompatible Behavior: I remembered that Charlie loves to help with the dishes… so I set out a small station with soap, water and some plastic bento boxes on his play kitchen. Then while I cooked breakfast, he “did the dishes” for me (basically he soaped everything up and scrubbed it over and over with a sponge).  He had a blast, I cooked breakfast, and then we ate using the dishes he had just washed!

Now whenever we are pressed for time, I asked Charlie to help with the dishes and I have a good 10-15 minutes to whip up breakfast without any toddler “help”!

2. Daycare dropoffs

The Behavior: When we drop Charlie or Olive off at daycare, sometimes they will meltdown when we start to leave.

Desired behavior: We don’t want the kids to even notice when we leave, so that they don’t melt down.

The Incompatible Behavior: I will sometimes have Charlie bring in something from home that he built, so that he can show everyone. For example, this weekend we built a small paper mache volcano… just showing it to everyone means that they gather around him and he’s distracted. Then it’s easy to just say goodbye and slip out the door.

Olive is a bit younger but also doesn’t like it when we leave daycare sometimes.  When Olive is being especially clingy, Bee will secretly bring in some of Olive’s favorite rice-milk melts. Then just before we leave, Bee will give Olive a handful of melts and Olive will go bananas eating it. In the ensuing feeding frenzy, it’s easy to slip out!

In this case, the Incompatible Behavior we’ve designed for Olive is basically a bribe.  We work hard to limit the number of bribes we give the kids, so I’m usually reluctant to recommend a bribe. In this case though, it’s slightly different: with most bribes, we will offer something to the kids and say that if you do ____, then we will give you ____.  Here though, we just give her the item unconditionally and use it as a distraction.  It’s a subtle difference, but it makes me feel better about doing something we usually try to avoid; plus, it’s so helpful in avoiding meltdowns that we use it a few times a week.

Another example: when we put the kids in the stroller, it can be a tough transition sometimes – especially if we’re leaving the playground, which they love.  To transition them seamlessly into the stroller, I’ll save up a snack for the stroller setup  (especially if I’m alone).  Here are Charlie and Olive, getting a stroller snack this past weekend!

3. Parking lot safety

HLK208 wrote about a problem she’s been having with her son:

The Behavior: “At preschool pick-up, I hold DS’s hand as we walk through the doors, out to the parking lot. DS has been defiant after school when we are leaving and he pulls away from me. I don’t want to let go of his hand because then he’ll run away from me but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt his hand or wrist when he is pulling and tugging.  … If I wasn’t holding DD, I would pick up DS and walk to the car but I don’t have an extra hand. What else can I do in this situation?”

The desired behavior: DS would ideally either hold her hand, or be doing something else on the way from the preschool to the car.

The Incompatible behavior: The easiest incompatible behavior would be to stick DD in a stroller, and then have DD hold onto a stroller handle (we use the Tag a Long Kids Stroller Handle) But if you’d like to avoid the inconvenience of a stroller, you could prepare a small and healthy snack that’s reserved just for the walk from daycare to the car. For example, prep a slice of apple… or the gummi vitamin for that day. Then give your DS the snack just as you’re leaving, and let them enjoy that with one hand while you hold their other hand.

Another option is to try telling the kids a story on the way to the car.  Charlie loves stories, and will behave really well if I’m telling him a story.  He’s so entranced, that he will behave really well even in tough situations!

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These techniques have avoided many a meltdown/tantrum… who knew that exotic animal training would work on toddlers as well!

Let us know if any of these techniques work with your LO!