Big Brother and Lil’ Brother are blessed to have a father that doesn’t just want to carry the title but instead wants to be a hands-on Daddy.  Mr. Blue wants to help take care of them, whether that means playing on the floor or waking up in the middle of the night for a feeding and diaper change.  I’m so grateful to have a husband that is willing to help, especially since that makes taking care of two so much easier!  In the last 12 weeks, however, I have realized how challenging it can be as the Mama to step back and let a father be Daddy.

Mr. Blue giving Big Brother his first bath.

ADVERTISEMENT
 When we were in the NICU, Mr. Blue did all of their care right alongside me, and we were both learning together how to care for them.  We were equals as parents.  But after Mr. Blue went back to work and I was still at home, I started learning things during the days that he wasn’t there to learn.  Babies are good teachers, and they were slowly but surely teaching me what they liked and didn’t like, what worked and didn’t work.

I’m still on maternity leave for another two weeks, so I spend 24 hours a day with our boys.  No one on earth knows them better than I do.  The majority of the time, I can hear a cry and tell you which boy it is and what they want.  I can watch their faces and know when they are almost ready for a nap.  I know exactly how to pat and rub their back to get a good burp as quick as possible. With all that information just dying to come out, it’s hard to not give constant instructions and directions when Mr. Blue is taking care of them.

Please excuse the graininess, but I was laughing too hard to worry about a quality photo.

Early on, if I saw Mr. Blue doing something that I knew wouldn’t work or that I knew a better method for, I would tell him and have him do it differently.  A few weeks after we brought the boys home, I noticed that Mr. Blue was slower to jump in and take on a task.  He hesitated more and looked to me for direction with increasing frequency.  He still wanted to be around the boys, to hold them, and to help, but he just seemed to have lost his daddy confidence.  He was always willing to help anytime I asked, but I felt more and more like I was the primary person responsible for them and that the weight of their care fell to me.

One day, it finally clicked that I was the creator and perpetuator of this phenomenon.  When I corrected something Mr. Blue did or told him how to do something “right,” it was a big hit to his confidence in his ability to be a dad.  By telling him all the things he should be doing differently or how to do something better, I was training him that he didn’t know how to take care of the boys on his own and that I needed to be involved in every aspect of their care.

As much as I love my boys, I want Mr. Blue to be able to be a full-fledged daddy without me having to be there every second to be the lead in their care.  They need to know that their dad is competent and capable and values caring for and spending time with them.   Mr. Blue needs to know that he is an equal partner in parenting, and he needs father-son time, even though they are just babies.  Last, as a mom, I need to know that I can take a shower, run to the store, or have dinner with friends and have complete confidence that my boys are in great hands.  Not only that, but it makes me more confident in my own mommy-ing to know that the full weight of raising our boys doesn’t fall on me alone.  I need to know that Mr. Blue and I are a team and that we share in all the ups and downs, the tears and laughter, the fun and sorrow that accompany parenting.

After my realization, I started making a concentrated effort to step back and let Mr. Blue be a daddy, not just a father.  I made a few rules for myself to try to ensure that this happens:

  • Don’t instruct Mr. Blue on how to do something unless it is a critical issue (safety issues, administering medicine, etc.).
  • The Mom Rule: consider how I would feel if my mom, MIL, or some other well-intentioned person said to me what I’m thinking of saying to Mr. Blue.  If I wouldn’t want to hear it from them or if it would make me doubt my ability, then keep my thoughts to myself.
  • Let Mr. Blue make mistakes as he learns, even if it means we both “pay” for it.  I definitely make parenting mistakes that we both pay for in loss of sleep, cranky babies, or a variety of other punishments.  Mr. Blue needs the same freedom to learn by making an occasional mistake.  The boys will let him know if he needs to do something differently next time.  In the long run, having a husband who is a confident father will be far more valuable than one good night of sleep that may be lost.  As if any of our nights are “good” nights of sleep right now!  Ha!
  • Don’t take over.  This one is hard but vital.  When Mr. Blue is doing something that I think I can do faster, better, with less mess, etc., it is soooo hard not to just take over and do the task myself.  Taking over a task, however, just tells Mr. Blue that (1) he isn’t capable, and (2) I’m the one that should be doing that particular task.
  • Let Mr. Blue take care of the boys without giving him a litany of instructions.  I would be so annoyed if before Mr. Blue went to the grocery store, he listed off all the things I needed to remember about taking care of the boys; yet, I find myself doing this fairly often.  Yikes.  Unless there is something new or different that needs to be done, I let him handle it.  If he has questions, he knows how to reach me to ask.
  • Praise his parenting at every opportunity.  After I realized I was unintentionally taking away his confidence as a daddy, I decided I needed to do my part to build it back up.  I look for opportunities to tell him what a great dad he is, how good at taking care of them he is, how they always go right to sleep when he does ____, etc.  It makes me feel so good when someone says I’m a good mom or that I really know my boys, etc., so I know he needs to hear those kinds of things, too.

Mr. Blue’s confidence seems to have sky rocketed back up in the last few weeks, and I’m feeling less like it’s all on me.  Win-Win.  We’re back to being equals, which is exactly what we want.

Was it hard for you to step back and let your spouse be a hands-on parent?