Big Brother and Lil’ Brother are blessed to have a father that doesn’t just want to carry the title but instead wants to be a hands-on Daddy. Mr. Blue wants to help take care of them, whether that means playing on the floor or waking up in the middle of the night for a feeding and diaper change. I’m so grateful to have a husband that is willing to help, especially since that makes taking care of two so much easier! In the last 12 weeks, however, I have realized how challenging it can be as the Mama to step back and let a father be Daddy.
Mr. Blue giving Big Brother his first bath.
I’m still on maternity leave for another two weeks, so I spend 24 hours a day with our boys. No one on earth knows them better than I do. The majority of the time, I can hear a cry and tell you which boy it is and what they want. I can watch their faces and know when they are almost ready for a nap. I know exactly how to pat and rub their back to get a good burp as quick as possible. With all that information just dying to come out, it’s hard to not give constant instructions and directions when Mr. Blue is taking care of them.
Please excuse the graininess, but I was laughing too hard to worry about a quality photo.
Early on, if I saw Mr. Blue doing something that I knew wouldn’t work or that I knew a better method for, I would tell him and have him do it differently. A few weeks after we brought the boys home, I noticed that Mr. Blue was slower to jump in and take on a task. He hesitated more and looked to me for direction with increasing frequency. He still wanted to be around the boys, to hold them, and to help, but he just seemed to have lost his daddy confidence. He was always willing to help anytime I asked, but I felt more and more like I was the primary person responsible for them and that the weight of their care fell to me.
One day, it finally clicked that I was the creator and perpetuator of this phenomenon. When I corrected something Mr. Blue did or told him how to do something “right,” it was a big hit to his confidence in his ability to be a dad. By telling him all the things he should be doing differently or how to do something better, I was training him that he didn’t know how to take care of the boys on his own and that I needed to be involved in every aspect of their care.
As much as I love my boys, I want Mr. Blue to be able to be a full-fledged daddy without me having to be there every second to be the lead in their care. They need to know that their dad is competent and capable and values caring for and spending time with them. Mr. Blue needs to know that he is an equal partner in parenting, and he needs father-son time, even though they are just babies. Last, as a mom, I need to know that I can take a shower, run to the store, or have dinner with friends and have complete confidence that my boys are in great hands. Not only that, but it makes me more confident in my own mommy-ing to know that the full weight of raising our boys doesn’t fall on me alone. I need to know that Mr. Blue and I are a team and that we share in all the ups and downs, the tears and laughter, the fun and sorrow that accompany parenting.
After my realization, I started making a concentrated effort to step back and let Mr. Blue be a daddy, not just a father. I made a few rules for myself to try to ensure that this happens:
- Don’t instruct Mr. Blue on how to do something unless it is a critical issue (safety issues, administering medicine, etc.).
- The Mom Rule: consider how I would feel if my mom, MIL, or some other well-intentioned person said to me what I’m thinking of saying to Mr. Blue. If I wouldn’t want to hear it from them or if it would make me doubt my ability, then keep my thoughts to myself.
- Let Mr. Blue make mistakes as he learns, even if it means we both “pay” for it. I definitely make parenting mistakes that we both pay for in loss of sleep, cranky babies, or a variety of other punishments. Mr. Blue needs the same freedom to learn by making an occasional mistake. The boys will let him know if he needs to do something differently next time. In the long run, having a husband who is a confident father will be far more valuable than one good night of sleep that may be lost. As if any of our nights are “good” nights of sleep right now! Ha!
- Don’t take over. This one is hard but vital. When Mr. Blue is doing something that I think I can do faster, better, with less mess, etc., it is soooo hard not to just take over and do the task myself. Taking over a task, however, just tells Mr. Blue that (1) he isn’t capable, and (2) I’m the one that should be doing that particular task.
- Let Mr. Blue take care of the boys without giving him a litany of instructions. I would be so annoyed if before Mr. Blue went to the grocery store, he listed off all the things I needed to remember about taking care of the boys; yet, I find myself doing this fairly often. Yikes. Unless there is something new or different that needs to be done, I let him handle it. If he has questions, he knows how to reach me to ask.
- Praise his parenting at every opportunity. After I realized I was unintentionally taking away his confidence as a daddy, I decided I needed to do my part to build it back up. I look for opportunities to tell him what a great dad he is, how good at taking care of them he is, how they always go right to sleep when he does ____, etc. It makes me feel so good when someone says I’m a good mom or that I really know my boys, etc., so I know he needs to hear those kinds of things, too.
Mr. Blue’s confidence seems to have sky rocketed back up in the last few weeks, and I’m feeling less like it’s all on me. Win-Win. We’re back to being equals, which is exactly what we want.
Was it hard for you to step back and let your spouse be a hands-on parent?
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I’m going to remember your tips. One of my biggest “goals” with this whole new parenting thing is for DH and I to be partners, not me being primary caregiver and DH the babysitter.
honeydew / 7504 posts
First off, that picture of the blowout is hilarious. And the cowboy boots are awesome. Now that that’s out of the way, I love this post. I really struggle with this myself, as I tend to be a bit of a control freak. I often have to remind myself to step back and let Hubs do things his way. I did find that I got better about it once I returned to work, as I was no longer there 24/7 with D – as he continues to grow and his routines change, we are learning to navigate those together and figuring out together what works best.
coconut / 8483 posts
Such a good post!!! We don’t even have LOs yet, but I’m already trying to do this with DH about our dogs. He looks to me for everything “do they need dinner?” “does he want out?” so I’ve started saying “I think you can figure it out!” and he does and is asking for help less!
…….I realize dogs are not the same as babies, lol! But it really worked in this situation too.
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
Oh goodness it is like a light bulb just went off over my head! I need to start following your lead asap. Thank you so much for this post!
grapefruit / 4441 posts
Great post!
pear / 1580 posts
What a beautiful story about how a marriage can actually grow stronger after having babies. This post has a lot of great wisdom – thank you for sharing your story, and your great pictures!
pear / 1986 posts
This is such a great post! Thank you. I definitely have the need to be in control and already correct DH on a lot of things that certainly aren’t critical. I don’t want him to develop a lack of confidence in his daddy skills when our little girl is born, so I’ll need to keep your tips in mind before I open my mouth ;).
grapefruit / 4923 posts
great post and tips. i was in total “control mommy” mode during maternity leave and had to be very mindful in order to back off. now that we’re working, giving him some space is easier because we’re both on more “equal footing” in terms of spending time with LO and learning what works/doesn’t.
cherry / 206 posts
Great post, thank you!!!
nectarine / 2667 posts
This is such a great perspective on how couples adjust to being parents. My husband was so hands on & confident in the beginning that I was the one doubting myself. I remember thinking if my husband could lactate my son wouldnt need me at all! We never corrected or instructed each other, but it was definitely an adjustment period.
I do hover a lot though & my husband asks me for some “man time” which is code for “go do something else – you’re smothering us!”
Another tip is that, when I do disagree with something he’s doing, I bring it up later instead of in the moment. Then I’m not all hot about it, he’s less defensive, and we can have a conversation instead of arguing in front of the baby.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
great post. Love that last pic- so cute!
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Thanks for sharing; and will definitely need to keep in mind once DS is here!
kiwi / 643 posts
Thank you for this! I am REALLY struggling with all of this. It’s hard when you’re the SAHM parent…it’s like having your husband join you at your “job” for two days a week. What would it be like if I joined him at his job every, say, Monday and Tuesday? I do need to remember to let him make his own mistakes and figure it out on his own. Good reminder! Thank you again!
guest
What a great piece–thank you! I’m due in August with our first and I’m can picture myself directing every interaction my husband has with baby. I have already set up a situation where he doesn’t feel comfortable helping with household chores because of my constant direction (criticism). I’m going to make a real effort to not be a criticizing co-parent. I will definitely be reading this post again and again over the coming months to help me keep my directing instinct in check. Thanks!
pear / 1632 posts
Thanks for sharing your story. I will def keep in mind that daddy has a big role and that shouldn’t be discounted. As a soon to be new mommy, you can get tunnel vision thinking about all the stuff you’ll need to do…I’ve almost forgot that daddy will be here to help, he wants to help and were a team in this. Thanks and your boy is adorable!!!
pea / 8 posts
That was a great post. I’ve struggled with this exact same thing since I’m the stay at home parent. I really liked hearing your point of view and getting your tips. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
grapefruit / 4669 posts
Look at those boots! I need to keep this in mind, because I feel myself correcting DH a lot when he doesn’t do things my way…but it’s not really about me! I want him to be confident and not to feel like I’m a nag!
honeydew / 7091 posts
SUCH an important concept for me to remember! I have a really hard time letting go, and allowing hubby to learn DH’s cues on his own. I’ve been trying to be better about it, and as a result he’s even learning some things I didn’t know!
Hilarious poo picture – cracked me up!!
GOLD / wonderful pea / 17697 posts
This is a wonderful post, and a topic on which I’ve been ruminating recently. DH parents differently than I do, and just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean my way is automatically better. In some cases it’s the opposite…there have been times I’ve had to step back and bite my tongue because he doesn’t something that I wouldn’t do–and his way works like a charm where mine doesn’t. I don’t want him to think he’s the TV “Idiot Dad” who can’t be trusted to put a diaper on or properly dress OUR child.
Thank you for this post!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
Such a great reminder for all of us. I think it is critical for us moms of multiples because if our partners don’t hop in and take charge sometimes we would go crazy. My husband is a very hands on dad. I don’t know what I would do without him but I definitely had to learn to bite my tongue sometimes. Like when wrestle mania is going on in my living room or the baby has a soaking wet diaper that is sagging to her knees. Like @mewtill: said I also sometimes just get sent away so they can have some free time without momma around.
pear / 1586 posts
Great post. Made me realize that I have been undermining DH’s confidence (she is 11.5 months and he has only watched her once while awake after I got her settled for dinner for ~20 min.)! I need to fix this!
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Love this. Daddy confidence! I will definitely remember these tips.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
@Mrs. Champagne: I think the thought process is transferrable to pets! I do the same thing now and then with our dog!
@Mrs. Tea: I totally had a light bulb moment with this, too. It’s just so easy to do without realizing that the end result isn’t what you want!
@tororojo: Texas babies have to have some boots, right? At least that’s what their rancher Grandpa thought!
@Mrs. Train: @twoofeverything: I absolutely think this is even more vital as a twins mama. There’s NO way to get it all done alone!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I struggled with this when I had my first, and took on way too much that first year as a result. We’ve both learned a lot since then, and DH has been so involved from the very beginning this 2nd time around, and he does a lot of things better than me! This is a really great reminder, and that’s awesome that you figured it out so quickly!!
guest
This is a great post! A similar thing that occurred to me while parenting our baby was that, sometimes, when I thought I had the “right, best” way to do something, my daughter would respond differently to my husband (or other caretaker) and what worked for me, didn’t work for him and vice versa.
All parents figure out their own relationship with a child, through constant learning and getting to know one another.
blogger / pear / 1964 posts
“Let Mr. Blue make mistakes as he learns, even if it means we both “pay” for it.” This. Is. So. Hard. I always jump in if I think Mr. Tricycle’s mistakes will result in more crying or less sleep. I guess I’d better work on that – thanks for the reminder
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Mr. S was super helpful from day 1. I was back in the hospital when Little M was 10 days old and Mr. S had to do everything himself. He’s a rockstar daddy! I set the schedules and am in charge of everything sleep and eating, but “Da” steps in and does a little bit of everything. When he’s home he’s the exclusive bath-giver. They rock out listening to music way too loud on Pandora, he gets water and soap in M’s eyes (non-stinging soap, I’ve tested it!) and will let M stay in ’til he’s a prune, but I don’t step in and tell him how I’d do bath. It just makes life so much easier for us if I just let Da be Da.
cherry / 211 posts
Oh my! I think this is the number one thing I struggle with as a new mom. I think I am doing better, but I love the rules you have laid out.
This one sentence should be my new motto “If he has questions, he knows how to reach me to ask.” Thank you.
cantaloupe / 6791 posts
Thanks for this post! I can definitely see myself doing these things when our son comes in November. And such adorable pictures!!
nectarine / 2063 posts
I love this! I am such a control freak & hope to be able to let go. DH is so good with my God Daughter and steps in right when I need him to. I look forward to seeing him blossom with our children
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
What a great reminder! I’m a control freak and sometimes lose sight of the big picture. Thank you for reminding me!
guest
Thank you so much for this. Came at a perfect time…
guest
Great reminder! I still need to praise more, which I’ve stepped off of since our littlest is now 12 months. But I had to make myself a mental checklist similar to yours in order to step away from daddy’s learning curve. Now I’m able to just LEAVE when he takes care of them, and I don’t worry a bit. Whew. That’s a confidence boost for both of us.
guest
Thanks for this wonderful post!!! ill be going back to work soon.this is just so perfect for me…finally, got my peace of mind again…i dont have to worry at all when my hubby got to be home alone with our little Gab…im 45yo and he is 44… Im a fan now!!! Thanks so much!!!