I know the subject of death is never a pleasant one, but in the last few weeks I have discovered how hard it is to deal with death when you also have to explain it to a your children.  In the last four years we have lost several family members.  Of course during each of those losses we dealt with our grief and we told the children that our family members had died and gone to heaven, but they never seemed to react.  It made it easier for me to deal with my own grief knowing that my kids truly didn’t understand what was going on.  I wasn’t sure at what age children started to understand death and I hadn’t done much research about it because, let’s face it, most people don’t want to think about death until they really have to.

A week and a half ago I had to start thinking about it.  Our dog Bailey died of lymphoma.  This time my children reacted.  This time there was a comprehension that has not been there before when we have dealt with death.  I can tell that now they must have hit an age when they understand.  My oldest is 4.5 and the twins are a few months away from 4.  This time they understood the sorrow that comes with the death of someone or something that you love.


Our sweet boy shortly after his lymphoma diagnosis

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We had been talking to the children about our dog for the past six weeks.  We had his diagnosis and knew that he would be dying in a month or two.  We tried to prepare the kids and told them to be very gentle and give him lots of love while he was here.  So we made sure to pet him a lot and feed him extra goodies (he had stopped eating his kibble).  On Sunday morning we were getting ready to go visit my husband who was at a convention for the weekend. We had been sitting and petting Bailey. I ran to the bathroom and to grab a few things for the diaper bag, and when I came back out my mom had come in the house.  She called me in to tell me that she thought Bailey was gone.  I ran in the room and knew that she was right.  I told the boys to go outside to play with grandma, and I could see in their faces that they knew something was wrong.  I scooted them out the front door and told them they could say good bye to Bailey on their way out (they had to walk past him to get to the front door) because he was in heaven now.

I closed the door and called my husband.  I wrapped up the body and put it in a laundry basket to get it ready to take to our vet.  I knew we had been talking with the boys about death, but I did not want them seeing it.  After I had cleaned everything up and gained my composure, I went outside to see where my mom had taken the kids.  They were right on the front lawn and they were so sad.  James had his lip sticking out and the twins were crying.  I thought I had prepared myself for this, but at the sight of my heartbroken children I crumbled.  I knelt down on the ground with my children and cried with them.  Each one of them told me how they loved Bailey and how they would miss him.

To be honest I was shocked.  They had never shown this level of understanding of death before.  I didn’t think I was going to have to answer so many questions, but they were confused and they were ready for some answers.  I had briefly looked up explaining death to children, and most articles agreed that there are three things children have difficulty understanding.  I have to say that after a week of questions and crying, I have to agree these three things have been the hardest.

  • Death is permanent.

I can’t tell you how many times they asked me if Bailey was ever coming back.  Of course I had to tell them no and then the tears would start again.  They are truly starting to understand the concept of loss.  I tried to make sure to use plain words without a lot of euphemisms like “passed away” or “resting in peace” so as not to confuse them. I simply told them that he died.   We did talk about heaven, which is still a bit confusing for them, because they want to know where it is and if I took him there in the car.

  • Life functions stop with death.

It’s hard to understand that a living body just stops working.  One of my sons noticed that his tongue was sticking out (please excuse that graphic image) and repeatedly said when you die your tongue sticks out and looks all flat.  I had to explain to him that the muscles stop working so in a dog often their tongue sticks out, but that is not the case all the time.  They also wanted to know why he won’t need to eat anymore or bark or go outside.

  • All things that are alive will die

I think this concept has bothered my oldest the most.  While my twins were worried about Bailey and his body, James started asking question about all the people in his life and when we would die.  It broke my heart when he asked me if he fell asleep like Bailey whether he was going to die too.  He wanted to know about us and our parents and when they were going to die.  I tried to be as honest but age appropriate as I could.  I did tell him that dying is a part of life and all things die, but that he didn’t have to worry.  We had lots of years ahead of us.  I have tried to deal with his fears of losing his family members, but I know that he is still thinking about it from time to time.

I have tried my best to explain what happened in a comforting way, but it can be so difficult to answer all of their questions. We were given a few books about the loss of a pet but my favorite came from my high school friend, who also happens to be our vet.  She brought us the book Dog Heaven.  It has helped immensely. We have read it almost every night, and the boys tell me about what they loved about Bailey and how much the miss him.  They tell me what they think he is doing in heaven and who he is playing with (my sister and my in laws have recently had dogs die as well and apparently they are all playing together) .


He was the perfect dog to have around babies, mellow and relaxed.

We seem to have gotten over the bulk of their sadness, although every once in a while one of them will crawl into my lap and say “I’m sad, I miss Bailey.”

I am sure this will continue for a while.  My husband and I are still mourning our pup that we have had since before we were married.  As a family we have cried and laughed and discussed the loss of our pet.  It is odd to see my children grow up a little bit and understand these bigger more difficult life issues.  I don’t know exactly when they started to understand these concepts, but it happened sometime in the last year (between 3 and 4 years old). I should add also, at 19 months my daughter has no understanding at all.  She just ran around playing like normal.


8 years ago before Mr. Train and I were married this sweet little guy came into our lives

Have you had to deal with death in your family?  How did your children react?