In my introduction to The Nurtured Heart Approach I did quite a bit of talking about what didn’t work for us, but not enough talking about the nuts and bolts of what does. Starting in on Nurtured Heart was a bit of a paradigm shift for me, and I think this is true for many people. Which, of course, makes it hard to just jump into the deep end. Really “feeling” the truth of Ellie getting something out of the consequences from discipline methods we were using in the past was necessary for me to move on to being open to trying something that seemed so drastically different.
One of the first concepts that gets exploded (and can have some really crazy-uncomfortable reverberations, let me just tell you) is that we control our children’s behavior. I participated in an online class to learn more about the approach, and at one point Howard Glasser says that he has asked a child on medication, “If you wanted to break a rule right now, could you?” The child’s response? “Of course!” So appropriate behavior, even though at times it can be challenging, is a choice. One of the particular talents of children like Ellie who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder is that they can and will easily show you all of the loopholes in your discipline strategies. We had already learned that we could not “make” Ellie do much of anything. Oh, sure, for now we were big enough to force the issue. We could hold her down for the duration of her time out. Carry her to her room and lock the door. But before we did anything like that, Mr. T and I had a little chat and decided that we had no desire to employ any methods that required us to use force. We wanted a strategy that was sustainable.
Central to the idea of the Nurtured Heart Approach is that there are consequences, and that those consequences are delivered every time, for every infraction, and that they are given in a matter-of-fact and un-energized way. So what does that look like in the Twine household? We call ours “breaks.” So, to give an example, Ellie chooses to hit Lorelei. I will tell her she is on break. This means that she doesn’t get my attention or interaction, and is unable to use her points (which she earns in her daily “reviews”) until she is back on track. Then, if I feel that she is unlikely to escalate, Lorelei and I will remain in the room and go about our business until Ellie apologizes and is ready to be gentle. If I feel that Lorelei is in some sort of danger, or that I am, I will tell Ellie that Lorelei and I will go into another room together and lock the door if that is necessary to protect us from getting hurt, but that she should let me know as soon as she is ready to be off break. I’ve only had to do that three or four times ever. I don’t particularly love it, but physical safety is a very important thing.
Breaks seem to do several things:
- They mark inappropriate behavior so that Ellie continues to grow in her awareness of where the boundaries lie.
- They sufficiently acknowledge that Ellie’s behavior is her choice, and by making it clear that she is free to make choices but that her good choices have far bigger rewards, she becomes less tied to engaging in negative behaviors.
- They don’t set up a power-play. When they are done right, the rules are clear and what she needs to do to be back on track is clear.
- As soon as they are done, we can get right back to energizing and reinforcing the positive. I often recognize the things she is doing when she comes off break, so, in the case of hitting, I might say, “I see that you are still feeling angry, but you are not hitting Lorelei. You are showing so much self-control right now.”
Breaks are why we are able to enjoy so many more positive moments at our house!
This might seem permissive, but it is working better than anything we tried, and we tried lots! Most breaks go so smoothly and quickly that there almost isn’t time to blink before they are over and Ellie is back to choosing appropriate behavior.
If the Nurtured Heart Approach sounds appealing to you, I would strongly urge you to go to the source: The Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook is an excellent beginning. I found it to be a faster and easier read than the book itself, and it gives such a wealth of information. I find myself referring back to it regularly whenever I need a refresher or a pep-talk, or just to remind myself of what it is we are choosing to do and why. It has been such a wonderful thing for us to have the tools to not only manage inappropriate behavior, but to also be able to instill a sense of greatness in our children.
The Nurtured Heart Approach to Consequences part 2 of 2
1. The Nurtured Heart Approach: Disciplining for Greatness by Mrs. Twine2. The Nurtured Heart Approach to Consequences by Mrs. Twine
pomelo / 5178 posts
I’m so glad you wrote more on this subject! Our library doesn’t carry the book, but a nearby library system does, so I put in for an interlibrary loan. Unfortunately, that might take some time, so I hope you don’t mind if I ask you some more questions about this approach.
Do you give breaks for every infraction? Or is that just the consequence for hitting/violence? If you do use other consequences for other offenses, how do you determine what the proper penance is? And can you tell more about the point system (like how many points she gets for each good behavior, does she award them or do you, etc…)? Sorry for all the extra questions. I’m really interested in learning more about how you make this approach work for you.
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
@Honeybee; The consequence is the same for every infraction– she goes on ‘break.’ What DOES change from instance to instance is what needs to happen to end the break. If she hits, she needs to apologize and be ready to be gentle. If she throws something on the floor in anger, she needs to pick it back up, put it where it belongs, and be ready to have appropriate actions. So the terms of break are just always coming back to positive interactions and behavior. This elminates the need to do what I used to do of making these grand consequences with more severity for “worse” behaviors, which actually just lends more energy to the negative interaction. I’d love to clarify more for you if you have any other questions about that part!
As for points, you start by setting up an economy and then tweaking it until it works. We started by choosing some priveleges with Ellie that she thought she might like to be able to spend on. For us, those included watching a 20 minute show on Netflix (which we limited to once daily, and during the school year we do no media M-F, but she can do up to 1.5 hours on Sat. and Sun.), watching a movie (by herself it costs 1000 points, to watch with the whole family minus Lorelei it costs 2000), having a family sleepover, going to the pool, getting extra reading time at night, buying a new book, having a different meal from the rest of the family (limited to once per week), going out to eat, and maid service (we pick up her toys). Once we decided on that, we chose categories. We initially had many, many categories, and found that during our reviews she would zone out and not really participate. So we narrowed it down to the list from my previous post (six more over-arching categories) and made each category potentially worth 100 points. We award the points in our review, but Ellie talks with us. So we will ask how she thinks she did, and then we will give feedback and award accordingly. We also give ‘bonus’ points when we see her doing something we feel is truly great. Like using words when angry, putting something away without being asked, etc. We try to get the poker chips and give them to her on the spot to increase the impact, but sometimes we do it at review time. We always ask her if she can think of any ‘bonus’ behavior from during the day, and she often thinks of really good ones. Usually the bonuses range from 20-100 points (rarely more) depending on the great behavior.
pomelo / 5178 posts
@Mrs. Twine: Thank you for the additional information! One more question, do you tell her what she needs to do to get out of a break? For instance, do you literally say, “You are now on a break. When you’re ready to be done with the break, you need to hug your sister and appologize for hitting her”? I’m thinking my three year old still needs some direction, but is that considered “energizing” the negative behaviors?
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
@Honeybee; the key is in the delivery. I do sometimes tell Ellie what she needs to do to come off break if I feel it isn’t clear, but I make sure to deliver the information in an un-energized way. So I might say, “Ellie, you’re on break. I’d love for you to join us again when you are ready to stop yelling.” You just have to make sure to not also throw in a lecture (oh, so tempting!), or use a raised voice, or make any sort of big deal out of it whatsoever. In the book and in the webinar I took there is a comparison to a traffic cop who just gives the tickets in a friendly, matter-of-fact way; I just try to hold myself to this standard. I’m giving information and not making a big deal out of it. The better a job I do at that, the faster the break ends, and the less breaks we seem to have. If Ellie ever has a rougher day or days, I can often trace it back to me or Mr. T slipping a little in our delivery.
pomelo / 5178 posts
@Mrs. Twine: Fantastic! Thank you!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
Wonderful post! I am putting that book on my amazon wish list to purchase with some fun money sometime this summer.
Even at 16 months, I could see how this could become effective. Jacobi HATES it when I ignore him! But it is what I do if he’s throwing a fit. I’m definitely interested in learning more. I love this gentle approach.
I have a wonderful mother who unfortunately had some anger issues while we were kids and I hate to admit that I still feel sadness and hurt from being yelled at as a child. I knew that I wanted to strive for something gentler as a parent. My mom fully admits her mistakes and has apologized, but it can be harsh the long term affects that inappropriate discipline can have.
Learning effective but loving strategies is high on my priority list as my son is in the thick of his toddler years.
guest
@Honeybee: If you have the funds, I would highly recommend purchasing the workbook. It’s easier to follow and not something you just read once and are finished. I come back to it over and over again for clarification or when a new issue pops up.
guest
Hi!
I’m so glad to have found this blog. I’m the dad of a wonderful but difficult 4-year-old boy. His defiance has been growing in the last few months. I read through “transforming the difficult child” a couple weeks ago. I so admire the approach and the heart behind it. Our son had a traumatic birth and some emotional trauma in his first few months of life, and I’ve always felt his heart needed to be nurtured, so to speak; he’s always craved a lot of attention. Anyway, I thought the book was pretty good; they went into great detail about the psychology behind the approach, but I felt the practical description of how to perform “resets” was painfully brief. We’ve already seen some great transformation from using the approach, but we’re hitting some snags with the nitty gritty of using the consequences, so I would be grateful if you would share your thoughts, since you have more experience using the approach.
There are some times when just saying reset and taking our attention away just devastates him. But sometimes he is in the middle of something else and doesn’t care whether we’re watching him. For instance, a common occurrence this: our boy and his little sister are sitting on the floor playing with toys; if she knocks over his toy (intentionally or not), he will yell at her and hit her. Sometimes he stays wound up, but he normally stops after one big hit. We say “reset”, but he just sits there playing with his toy. He’ll say “Yeah, reset. I calm down now” but he doesn’t even seem to care.” I’m not sure what approach to take: we’ve tried taking the toy, taking our attention away for an extended period until he makes it right. It just doesn’t seem to be getting the desired result (meaning, a quick consequence without feeding the negative energy). What would you do in this circumstance?
A second scenario is when we ask him to do something (go to the potty, put his shoes on, etc) and he completely ignores us. We’ve tried starting the reset and withholding our attention until he obeys, but he can hold out for a long time. From the book, it seems like the author advocates a reset should only last a minute or two, but I’m not sure how to handle it. Do you have any ideas for me? Like I said, the book was just really vague. It says, “tell them they’re on a reset right where they are” but it doesn’t say much about what it should physically look like.
Thank you!
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
Josiah Monks: I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. We had two fairly meaningful family deaths very close together, and it’s been a bit of a challenge to keep up with everything thing else. So my apologies.
Your son sounds like he has some commonalities with our Ellie, so at the very least, I can relate.
Have you tried the workbook yet? I find myself coming back to it frequently (at least every few months, if not more) to remind myself of what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, and fine-tune our approach. Sounds like you’re already doing a great job trying not to energize negativity, which is a real challenge since pretty much everything I’ve learned, plus my instincts, say “make a big deal when something isn’t going right.” I’ve never been much of a yeller, but I definitely can lecture with the best of them. So totally not useful.
In the first scenario, I think an even better approach to take might be to really amp up your verbal noticing of appropriate behavior, and really make sure that you are emphasizing when he’s exhibiting the characteristics he shows at his best. Could you try asking him to put the toy down or have a seat without playing for a moment to take the reset? It sounds like it would be good for him to have some sort of break in the action so he can internalize that during the moment prior when he was hitting he was doing something out of bounds.
As for task refusal, we will often ask the girls to have a seat for a moment wherever they are to take their break if they are too distracted otherwise, or if they are getting enough reward from their surroundings that they aren’t able to realize they are even on a break (that’s the word we use instead of reset). Sometimes if it’s something where we can’t wait– let’s say we have to get to an appointment or something– we will let Ellie or Lorelei know that they have until the count of 10, or whatever feels reasonable, to comply, or we will need to help them. We rarely need to do this with Ellie, but Lorelei at 3 can be a master of delay when she wants to.
I hope these ideas help give you a clearer idea of what we’re doing. I also signed up for a Nurtured Heart webinar a while back and found it very helpful. It was great to be able to see other families using the approach in some of the segments, and to be able to hear questions just like yours being answered by Howard Glasser.