This is a guest post by Annette of Tips From a Typical Mom.
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Child Reward System using puzzle pieces?
Why puzzle pieces you ask?
Well, I was looking for poker chips at our local thrift store, and could not find any. But I did find a ton of puzzles, and they are small, and there are a ton of them, and they are super cheap if you get them at a thrift shop, so Why NOT?!
I have always had some type of reward system for my kids, but none of them stuck.
I wanted a system that I could use to reward them for chores and good behavior.
I wanted a system that I could use to keep track of media time.
I wanted a system that would make them face consequences for bad behavior.
I wanted a way to track allowance and teach my kids that time is money!
I wanted a reward system that worked for ALL AGES of children.
This is what I came up with. We have been doing it for about 6 months now and it WORKS, and it STUCK! Yay!
Like I said before, I went to a thrift store and got a puzzle that had about 1,000 pieces. I got a little bucket to keep them in, and I was done! Well, not quite done yet. I had to come up with the system. After trial and error, I think we have it all worked out. I have included our reward chart for you to use in your home if you wish, or you can come up with one on your own.
You can download this one HERE. Or you can make up your own.
As you can see from the chart that the kids can earn tokens by doing their chores, getting caught being good, a clean bedroom every day, and a daily tidy up of the room they are in charge of for the week. Other things we added to the list in the fall were things like homework done, reading done, etc.
I also use the tokens to discipline my children when they make wrong choices, like fighting with their siblings, lying, not listening to mom or dad, etc. They really hate giving up their tokens and it makes them think twice.
For younger preschool aged children this system works really well. They are rewarded for good behavior (which they need a lot of) and I’m not so strict about taking tokens away for bad behavior. They have a hard time understanding this. This is when I take the time to talk to them about the fact that they will not be earning another token for the behavior they just demonstrated when they could have had a token for listening or being good. Obviously I would use simpler terms like: “Oh oh! I don’t like the way you are acting right now. You didn’t do what mommy asked you to do so you don’t get a token now. Dang it! Next time, if you listen, you can get a token, Okay!?” Or I use them as a bribe before we head into grocery stores or other public places. I let them know what is expected and say things like ” We are going in the store now. We are only buying groceries, no toys or treats. If you are really good, and don’t cry or yell, you can get 2 tokens when we get home! Okay?” And if the behavior isn’t the best I say, “Oh no! You are throwing a fit in the store, now you wont be able to get a token! Dang it!” I always remind them what the tokens are for and what they can get with them to help them stay focused.
For older children, the thing I love most, is the control I have over time spent on media. Media in my home includes anything that runs on a battery (cell phone, iPod) or has to be plugged in (TV, XBox). The kids have to use the timer and when 15 minutes is up, they have to get off or pay more tokens, depending on what mom says.
My children are in charge of keeping track of their own tokens, which teaches them organization and management. When we go to a store and my kids say, “Can I get a treat mom?” or “Can I PLEEAASSEEE get this?” I say, “How many tokens do you have?” So simple. If they have enough, they pay me when we get home. I also remind them that if they spend all their tokens, they are sacrificing other things. Works like a charm. They usually contemplate how much they want to spend.
This has really worked for my family especially since money has been tight. I am not paying for so many little things anymore. The kids are thinking more about what they spend their tokens on. They are learning priorities. They are learning that their behavior has consequences, good or bad. And I LOVE it!
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Annette Belnap is a proud mommy of 5 awesome kids. She teaches preschool and dance and is also a photographer. She is the author of Tips From a Typical Mom, a blog where she shares her ideas about motherhood, family friendly recipes and activities and ideas that have worked for her and her kids. You can find her on Pinterest, Facebook and Twitter.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
haha this is great.
will share with my dh and keep it in mind when our kids get older!
honeydew / 7091 posts
This sounds like a great idea! So many ways to personalize it and allow the system to grow with your child – I especially like using the tokens for treats. Some adults still don’t understand that concept
pomegranate / 3503 posts
What a great system! Will need to give this a go!
cherry / 110 posts
I’m glad that you found a system that works for you, but I’d like to politely interject with a different perspective. One that goes against the grain here. Perhaps it is one you have heard of before and rejected. If so, then I respect your choices. My intention isn’t to proselytize. But on the off chance that you haven’t heard of this perspective, here I go:
Any parenting system that relies heavily on rewards and punishments fundamentally teaches a child to seek parental approval. Everything ends up revolving around you, the mother, the father, the parent. And while you might think this is great for managing the day to day, it doesn’t teach your child to be an independent thinker outside of you. Everything that gets processed, goes through the filer of “Will Mom approve?” The more you rely on systems of rewards and punishments, the more ingrained the idea of seeking parental approval becomes. The more ingrained it is, the more it lasts throughout your child’s life and can dampen his or her happiness in the future. It may lead to a son deciding on one college major instead of another, because that is what mom would approve of rather than what brings happiness, fulfillment, and meaning to him. It may lead to a daughter deciding on who to marry based upon who is best to bring home rather than the one she has the closest connection with. It leads to people who live lives for their parents rather than for themselves.
I say this not as a foreboding warning. I say this as something for you to think about. It’s not like I’m trying to get you to switch over to my way of thinking through instilling fear or shame. Countless adults (myself included) have some degree of living their lives for their parents — to be a doctor because anything less would be looked down upon by mom, to gain material wealth for acceptance from dad, to submit to an arranged marriage. And many of these adults are ostensibly happy. But, I wonder, and I hope you wonder too, how much happier they could be, if they could just be themselves.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
Thanks for sharing! I think this is a great system that I will use when my LO is old enough….
I think when kids are still young they can’t really understand the intrinsic value of “being good” so this is a great way to start training them. When I was a 1st grade teacher, I used to do something similar like this. I think as children get older, they should gradually be weaned off of this because they will have more understanding about being good for the sake of being good and not for a token/prize.
BUT, this is a great stepping stone to that! Very creative with the puzzle pieces too!
Thank you for sharing!
pomegranate / 3452 posts
@Viola: thank you for sharing your perspective! It’s refreshing to learn how other folks think about nurturing independent and self-confident kids
persimmon / 1386 posts
@Viola: I think your comment was interesting….but what type of system do you suggest instead?
I feel like a system based on rewards and punishments is pretty representative of life in general. Study hard for a test, rewarded with a good grade. Work hard you get paid at work. Slack off on schoolwork, you fail. Slack off at work, get fired and don’t make money…
I feel like the system still allows the child to determine what they want, not just the parents. The mom isn’t saying they must use tokens on treats instead of media time. The kid makes that decision.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Love this!!
cherry / 110 posts
@Neekierose — It all depends on your goal in parenting and more generally in life. How do you define meaning in your life, and what would you like your children to learn about achieving a meaningful life?
You are absolutely right in that a system of rewards and punishments reflects our societal institutions, and I don’t disagree with that. Break the law, go to prison, for example. But, let’s take one of the examples you posit. Study hard for a test, rewarded with a good grade. For me, personally, this is actually NOT what I want my child to learn. I do not want my child to be chasing after grades for the sake of chasing after college acceptance for the sake of material gain. That is not what I want to impart to my children. I want my child to study hard for the sake of learning, to love learning, to be always curious about life and the world around us.
I believe in using natural consequences as much as possible. For instance, if my child wants to go out in 90 degree weather in long sleeves and long pants, then so be it. The natural consequence is that he will be hot. And (hopefully) he will learn on his own; not because of me.
But, you know what, I don’t really want to get into it too much here. I don’t want to hijack this, as I don’t feel like it’s my place to. This isn’t my blog post and I only wanted to offer a different perspective, not take it over. And I fear that I’ve already said too much.
coconut / 8299 posts
I love this system and will definitely use something like this in the future, when my son is ready!
I think reward systems are great for kids when they are developmentally ready to understand the concept of having goals and working towards them. I don’t think it’s realistic for parents to expect their toddlers to do something just for the sake of doing something good. That’s the ultimate goal, but at 3 years of age, I’d be shocked if my son wanted to clean up his room because it felt good. I’d expect him to clean up his room because he gets something out of it. Or because he wants to please us. Right now, my son is in a “pleasing” stage where he constantly seeks our approval. He’s at a stage where he’s figuring out the complexities of the world and turning to us for approval and guidance helps him feel safe and secure. Do I think he will marry someone in 30 years only because it pleases us? Not at all. He’s growing and developing every day and I can already see the day when mommy’s happy face won’t be enough motivation for him. Ultimately, we’d hope that our son will grow up to be self-motivated and not rely on ONLY external factors. Realistically though, we’re all motivated (at least in part) with material/external things. I’m most definitely not working 9-5 because it makes me feel good. I work because I want the money to provide for my family, buy nice things, and save for big future purchases. This is reality so I’d want my son to learn these life skills early on, whether it be through token reward systems or star charts. I certainly don’t think my son is doomed for life by having him work towards a goal by earning tokens.
As long as the parent is responsive and is in tune with the child’s development, these reward systems teach something positive in the long run.
persimmon / 1386 posts
@Viola: That’s really interesting. Thanks for the perspective!
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
One thing I really like about the system is that you Spent tokens are both negative (sibling fighting) and positive (media).
honeydew / 7687 posts
@Viola: thanks for sharing! very eloquently stated. I’ve been thinking a lot about internal motivators and ‘moral compass’ so this resonated with me. I’m not sure what we will do once we’re at that point, but I enjoy thinking about it.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
I really enjoyed the point and counterpoint that developed from this blog post.
I can imagine that systems must necessarily be pretty different for 1-2 vs several kids. Living in SLC, I see parents of large families doing heroic feats to keep all those kids organized and in line. It’s pretty amazing.
guest
It’s interesting that you used puzzle pieces as tokens. I thought the end goal would be something like, “Earn all the tokens then you can complete the puzzle!” Which could also encourage kids to “do good”.
I also agree with what Viola said, I wouldn’t want to rely on reward and punishment very much, but I could see it being useful on some occasions.
guest
Love this idea! What a great system!
cherry / 175 posts
Great conversation. I’m thinking about trying it with my newly 3 year old (well next week he’ll be 3). We need to figure out SOMETHING as he’s quickly entering the terrible 3’s and when he’s blatenly defiant I’m at a lost for how to help him and I get through it! He has NO INTEREST at all in pleasing Mom and Dad. My cup o patience isn’t quite full enough to even last me til 9am some days!
I do want him to feel like he has control to make choices and understands the consequences. It’s not ok to allow him to push/kick/hit his sister or me or strangers – but right now there are no consequences that work.
I’m wondering if he’s old enough at 3 to understand this system but we will see. I’m assuming at the get go the frequency of gaining/losing tokens will be much higher as we are helping him understand the ‘game’ so to speak… and then we can adjust from there.
As always I love hearing what works and doesn’t work for others in the world of parenting. Thanks for being will to share!
guest
What a great idea! Thanks for a GREAT alternative to the sticker chart. My middle child (3 yrs) is starting to figure out that she can get attention from negative behavior, and as much as I try to not give in, I have a breaking point. I need a positive system for her positive behavior and I think this might just be it. THANK YOU!!
guest
Hi thanks for sharing. Great ideas. To Viola … I would say that simply teaching kids right from wrong is great and of course I want my child to do the right thing based on her on internal compass. I do want to point out that for many kids that simply won’t work … each child’s need is so different. The hardest lesson I have had to learn as a parent is that I don’t get to be the kind of parent that I want to be. I have to be the kind of parent my kid needs me to be. Many children have to be motivated externally and start to feel good about those decisions in some ways before they can do it for themselves. Creating good habits takes time and patience and breaking bad habits is even harder. Most adults have a hard time with this. My kid simply won’t study hard based on any internal motivation or life lessons we try and teach her. She is fine being average and not having to work hard. She is adhd and so non preferred tasks are extremely difficult for her. I reward her points for studying hard or controlling undesirable behavior …. She is not looking for my approval because I make it clear to her that I love her no matter she what and she needs to learn these skills so that she can have all the things she wants in life. Rewards are a bribe of sorts but I know she is learning how to apply herself and she is gaining the proper basic skills she will need as school gets harder. She also gets to experience how good it feels to learn new things after working hard .and That she is capable of achieving new skills when she puts the time in. A pay off she would never feel if I don’t find an external motivator for her. Natural concequences don’t work for her for the most part … although I do keep trying them as I feel they are the best way to learn. She will live in a messy room forever if I let her, she doesn’t care if she breaks something because it is on the floor and if I take her toys because she doesn’t take care of them she will just play with a piece of string ( she is incredibly imaginative that way). My point is it’s great to look at things from all sides but some kids have different make ups and their brains won’t make that connection on their own …. So my job is , as a parent, to help my child make that connection when she needs me to. I do always try have the rewards be based on her process and effort and not a specific result. For example if she keeps a positive attitude when she studies and puts in the time and effort into learning … She will earn points even if she freezes in the test and doesn’t get a good grade. Anyway, I say all this because I think it’s important that we remember every kid is different and all any of us can do as parents is try to make sure our children are being taught the things they need to know to be functional and happy out in the world when they grow up. We have to do this anyway that works for our child. I also think that internal motivation isn’t developed in some kids until much later. Just like it takes some kids a long time to understand when they are hungry or tired.