Dear Pump,

(get it? like Dear John? no? crickets? fine… I’m old…)

You and I have been very intimate for many years now. We started going at it more than 3 years ago, when we were just casually hooking up. Then we started seeing each other daily. But after about 7 months I abruptly abandoned you. I just didn’t need you anymore. It was heartless, I know, but I just plain ditched you.

Almost 2 years later, I came running back and you accepted me with open arms. This time around, we were hot and heavy. I was seeing you twice a day, more and more, until we were together five or six times a day, every single day. I scheduled my life around you. I ditched family and friends time and time again to see you for one of our very regular encounters. I even changed my wardrobe to accommodate for our frequent encounters. Easy access, I called it.

We’ve had our ups and downs. I hated you for a while, but then I got so used to you. If loving you was wrong, I didn’t want to be right. It was just so… easy. It got to the point where I physically couldn’t be without you. I took you on trips, in the car when I knew I’d be unavailable all day… we’ve even gotten together in a bathroom stall or two. You died on me late at night one night… I’m not gonna lie, I was afraid and felt betrayed by you. But you came back to me. Then insurance started covering you and I was able to acquire a second one of you. I could see you at work AND at home without having to carry you back and forth. You were everywhere. I couldn’t escape you… and I didn’t want to.


But the time for separation has come. It’s been a year since we’ve gotten back together, and now it’s time to say goodbye. It’s not you, it’s me. I need my “me” time, away from you, to get to know myself again. You’ve been great, really you have. But my baby has matured and moved on (to cow’s milk), and you just don’t fit in to my life anymore. We’re different people now. We’ve grown apart, so very gradually, but for the past few weeks I’ve only seen you once or twice a day. And I really don’t get much out of you anymore. Just a couple of ounces a session, actually. I didn’t see you at all yesterday– my first day apart from you (on my baby’s first birthday!). And I was ok. You were ok too. You’re always ok. You’re so great, so strong.

Of course I know there might be painful consequences of our separation… I’m afraid I’ll get hurt (by mastitis) and regret saying goodbye. I might even be tempted, during a particularly painful night, for one more encounter. But I know it’s time for both of us to move on. I’ll admit it– I’ve actually been looking forward to this for a while. I’m sorry. Again, it’s not you– You’re great! You’ll be great for the next woman who needs you in her life. In fact, I might have someone I want to introduce you to.

I wish I could say I’ll miss you. But I won’t. I know it seems kind of heartless, but it’s true.

Thank you so, so much for doing what you do so well– helping me to provide my babies with the most nutritious, perfect food. And this time around, we did it — together — for an entire year. We didn’t even have to call in reinforcements like I did the first time around when I just ditched you at 7 months. We were so good together, you and I. We did it, and I only have you to thank.

Mrs. Wagon