While I was pregnant, I fully expected some rocky marital moments in the first few months of the Baby Dudes’ lives. I read once (google away–I have zilch idea where I saw this), that in the months following the birth of a baby that marital dissatisfaction is at one of its highest points during the marriage. Rationally, this makes sense: (1) you’re both sleep-deprived zombies just waiting to lash out at any moving target that isn’t a helpless, cuddly baby; (2) nothing says “romance” like discovering crusty, half-digested milk that said baby unknowingly spitting-up in your hair, and (3) no one could possibly love your baby as much as you do and therefore, no one (spouse included) could possibly know better than you what the baby needs and how to do it right.

With this in mind, I was a wee bit nervous to enter the first days of motherhood and weather any marital tsunamis that were headed our way.  To my surprise, when we came home from the hospital, I honestly felt more in love with Mr. Blue than I ever had.  It was an incredible time of working together, relying on each other, reveling in these two little lives we had helped to create and frankly, laughing uncontrollably at the undeniable hilarity of how truly loud a four or five-pound baby can toot (seriously worse than grown men, but that’s another story).  One great thing about having twins is that it’s pretty much all hands on deck, so Mr. Blue and I were forced to become an efficient and strong team.  At month two, I would have told you that our marriage had never been stronger.

Back when Mr. Blue and I desperately liked each other but hadn’t started dating yet, I went to a crayfish boil fundraiser just because I knew he would be there.  I like to think he put away three trays of crayfish just to try and impress me. 

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A couple months ago, I started realizing that somewhere something had shifted.  We were still working as a well-oiled machine as we cared for our boys.  We weren’t having any late night battles thanks, among other things, to the fantastic advice of our friend who once told me they had made a “no talking during night feedings” rule because it only led to whisper fights in the middle of the night (truer words were never spoken).  Things on the parenting front were generally running smoothly.

Here’s the catch, though: we were so busy working to be a great parenting team that we forgot to work to be friends, to be spouses, to be each other’s loves.  It’s really easy to get caught up in daily undertaking of raising kids (and perhaps this is true as a marriage ages, regardless of your status of parents) and suddenly realize you don’t feel like you “know” your spouse like you did before and that you can’t remember the last time you did something that was just about making a memory together, or the last time you really went out of your way to “date” or “romance” your spouse.

That’s not something I’m okay with letting continue.  I really believe my priorities should be: God–Marriage–Kids.  My kids won’t suffer from me investing time into my marriage; it will only be to their ultimate benefit for Mr. Blue and me to make sure we have a healthy marriage as a strong foundation on which our children will grow and thrive.  Believing this and knowing how to apply this, however, are different issues.

So, then, the question becomes: practically speaking, how do you do to invest in your marriage, keep building that friendship, find time for a spit-up free date night without compromising your role as parents?  Honestly, I’m still working on this one.  I know it requires intentionality, rather than loosely saying “we should really find time for each other.”  I know we need to be building memories together, in addition to memories as a family.  I know we need to be able to carry on a full conversation that doesn’t involve the number of ounces someone last consumed or what an insane blowout someone just had (not naming names, but I’m looking at you on this one, Sprout).

I know date nights are the typical answer to “how to keep the spark” type questions.  While I think date nights are a great idea, I think there’s got to be more intentional focus on each other and on our relationship on a daily basis.  We have to “date” each other again in the sense that you go out of your way to spend time together, discuss everything from dinner plans to what life would look like for the two of you in 5 years, look for nice things to do for each other, and express your feelings.  Those things are so easy to let slip aside the more comfortable we become in our marriage.

I don’t have all the answers, but I’m working on finding ways to make sure we don’t just a “good team.

Do you struggle to balance marriage and motherhood/fatherhood?  All you “pros” out there, what are your best tips and tricks to keep your marriage thriving?