While I was pregnant, I fully expected some rocky marital moments in the first few months of the Baby Dudes’ lives. I read once (google away–I have zilch idea where I saw this), that in the months following the birth of a baby that marital dissatisfaction is at one of its highest points during the marriage. Rationally, this makes sense: (1) you’re both sleep-deprived zombies just waiting to lash out at any moving target that isn’t a helpless, cuddly baby; (2) nothing says “romance” like discovering crusty, half-digested milk that said baby unknowingly spitting-up in your hair, and (3) no one could possibly love your baby as much as you do and therefore, no one (spouse included) could possibly know better than you what the baby needs and how to do it right.
With this in mind, I was a wee bit nervous to enter the first days of motherhood and weather any marital tsunamis that were headed our way. To my surprise, when we came home from the hospital, I honestly felt more in love with Mr. Blue than I ever had. It was an incredible time of working together, relying on each other, reveling in these two little lives we had helped to create and frankly, laughing uncontrollably at the undeniable hilarity of how truly loud a four or five-pound baby can toot (seriously worse than grown men, but that’s another story). One great thing about having twins is that it’s pretty much all hands on deck, so Mr. Blue and I were forced to become an efficient and strong team. At month two, I would have told you that our marriage had never been stronger.
Back when Mr. Blue and I desperately liked each other but hadn’t started dating yet, I went to a crayfish boil fundraiser just because I knew he would be there. I like to think he put away three trays of crayfish just to try and impress me.
A couple months ago, I started realizing that somewhere something had shifted. We were still working as a well-oiled machine as we cared for our boys. We weren’t having any late night battles thanks, among other things, to the fantastic advice of our friend who once told me they had made a “no talking during night feedings” rule because it only led to whisper fights in the middle of the night (truer words were never spoken). Things on the parenting front were generally running smoothly.
Here’s the catch, though: we were so busy working to be a great parenting team that we forgot to work to be friends, to be spouses, to be each other’s loves. It’s really easy to get caught up in daily undertaking of raising kids (and perhaps this is true as a marriage ages, regardless of your status of parents) and suddenly realize you don’t feel like you “know” your spouse like you did before and that you can’t remember the last time you did something that was just about making a memory together, or the last time you really went out of your way to “date” or “romance” your spouse.
That’s not something I’m okay with letting continue. I really believe my priorities should be: God–Marriage–Kids. My kids won’t suffer from me investing time into my marriage; it will only be to their ultimate benefit for Mr. Blue and me to make sure we have a healthy marriage as a strong foundation on which our children will grow and thrive. Believing this and knowing how to apply this, however, are different issues.
So, then, the question becomes: practically speaking, how do you do to invest in your marriage, keep building that friendship, find time for a spit-up free date night without compromising your role as parents? Honestly, I’m still working on this one. I know it requires intentionality, rather than loosely saying “we should really find time for each other.” I know we need to be building memories together, in addition to memories as a family. I know we need to be able to carry on a full conversation that doesn’t involve the number of ounces someone last consumed or what an insane blowout someone just had (not naming names, but I’m looking at you on this one, Sprout).
I know date nights are the typical answer to “how to keep the spark” type questions. While I think date nights are a great idea, I think there’s got to be more intentional focus on each other and on our relationship on a daily basis. We have to “date” each other again in the sense that you go out of your way to spend time together, discuss everything from dinner plans to what life would look like for the two of you in 5 years, look for nice things to do for each other, and express your feelings. Those things are so easy to let slip aside the more comfortable we become in our marriage.
I don’t have all the answers, but I’m working on finding ways to make sure we don’t just a “good team.
Do you struggle to balance marriage and motherhood/fatherhood? All you “pros” out there, what are your best tips and tricks to keep your marriage thriving?
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
Yes! This!
We had a weekend away while we were both in a wedding the week before last and had A BLAST! Seriously, I don’t know when we have ever had that much fun. It was so wonderful to just be us again, and I am so glad I didn’t wait until LL was older to do it! I think the longer you wait to leave the little one, the harder it is. He had a blast with grandma and grandpa, and we really needed the time away. Now, how to make that happen on a regular basis without taking an entire weekend away, I still haven’t figured that out yet.
coconut / 8854 posts
No LO’s for us yet, but when DH and I were going through marriage counseling with our pastor I can’t tell you how many times he said that our priorities must be “God-Marriage-Kids” That really is the key to happiness!!!
guest
The entire first paragraph of this post was truly amazing! I laughed so hard and everything was spot on.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
That picture of you and Mr. Blue pre-dating is adorable!! I can tell from the glean in his eye that he definitely had a thing for you… and look at his body language. Says it all!
I agree with everything you wrote, especially the part about God-marriage-kids. I’m certainly no pro, but at the heart of my relationship with Mr. Heels is a solid friendship. I find that mutual respect goes such a long way. I try not to take him for granted. When I’m feeling uncared for or feel like something’s off in our marriage I address it immediately. I think talking and communicating goes such a long way because none of us are mind readers! I can’t expect him to do certain things if he’s oblivious to my needs.
Just last night he asked me, “Is there anything more I can do to support you as a husband and father?” – just him asking me that speaks volumes. It’s good to pause every once in awhile and just re-evaluate where we’re at with each other. I was so grateful that he thought to ask me that. A lot of times, couples play the blame game instead of taking ownership of their own shortcomings, then when spouses bring up something they get defensive. Then it becomes this vicious cycle… run through that cycle enough times and it becomes second nature.
Friendship, LIKING not just loving each other, INTENTIONALITY, mutual respect, and communication are keys to helping us maintain a strong marriage.
cherry / 116 posts
My husband and I have been working on a few things recently to reignite the spark. Like you, we’re working well as a team, but we need to start “dating” each other again and pursuing intimacy with each other. A few things:
1. God-Marriage-Children: We’ve been making time for each other to attend men’s and women’s Bible studies weekly. Yes, this means a little time apart with one person at the helm on Tuesday nights. But it gives the other person a time to focus on their spiritual lives. We’ve also been trying to be consistent on asking each other what we’re learning spiritually.
2. Dates at home: We have a futon in our guest bedroom. Sometimes one of us will pull it out and set it up in front of the TV while the other one puts LO to bed. We light candles, eat dinner or dessert on the futon, watch a movie, cuddle, etc. Sort of an adults’ version of fort time. It’s fun and different and we both enjoy it. It makes dinner and a movie at home special.
3. We’ve also started setting “intimacy” dates. I remember during our premarital counseling the couple told us that setting dates for physical intimacy could be really important. As young pre-married people we couldn’t imagine that this would be necessary. But it really is. We look at our schedules at the beginning of the week and set nights aside. We’re only a few weeks in, but it’s been nice and successful so far!
pear / 1723 posts
Definitely still working on this one here, but I think it’s been on my radar more lately as the kids get older. For us, it’s actually less about getting away from the kids, and more about learning to focus our attention on each other again.
We try to say a lot of thank you, even for little chores. We hold hands, quick kisses and squeezes. I’m learning that really listening to one another makes a huge difference for us both. Even just getting takeout and watching a movie (again, without other distractions, just snuggling) is really restorative for us.
And honestly, getting out and taking family trips helps us too. We traveled a lot pre-kids, and even with the kids along, it helps us remember our former selves and the commonalities that drew us together. Because seriously, it doesn’t get a whole lot better than smooching my honey on a beatiful beach with toddlers happily playing in the sand at our feet. Or drinking coffe and watching the moon shine over the ocean together, because the kids (dozing in the backseat) woke up before dawn.
guest
I think you got this information from “Brain Rules”. It’s a fantastic book that delves into all sorts of research regarding babies and the brain. It goes over all the different things that people suggest you do with a baby (CIO, Co-sleep, etc….) and what effect (affect??) it has on the baby’s brain. Really interesting read.
guest
As a married person without kids, one thing that scares me about the idea of having children is when parents say they no longer talk about things that don’t involve their kids. My husband and I talk all the time about politics, other current events, history, work, friends, television/movies/books, the city we live in, family, etc. It scares me to think that having children is so consuming that it might eclipse all of those other interests. I know that it’s a huge shared experience and you love them and care about them so much that it must be hard to not want to connect with the only other person in your life who really gets it. But, I wonder, although like I said I have no experience with this, if maybe making it a habit to just spend the post-bed time hour(s) not talking about kids at all would help? You obviously have a lot of other things in common (and a lot of other things going on in your lives) that made your relationship in the first place, so just connecting with that side of each other deliberately at first might allow you to get into a routine that stakes a claim for your old identity as a couple/adults within your new life as parents.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
Our marriage has definitely taken a hit since R came along. We both know that it is so important and we need to make more time for just us. We are going to a wedding this Saturday. As much as we are going to miss R, we are both looking forward to much needed afternoon and evening just us and having fun.
nectarine / 2994 posts
After E came along our relationship definitely took a hit, I think we were pretty close to breaking up at one point but that was mainly because I was sleep deprived, didn’t feel supported by dh and it felt like I was making all the sacrifices and not him. Eventually though we talked it out and he got to see my point of view. Since then it has greatly improved.
I think keeping the intimacy helps – dh and I like to sit and watch a movie or a tv show together usually once a week and we snuggle. Also, just the little questions “how was your day” etc helps us keep open communication.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
I think the biggest thing is being intentional about the time you do spend. I had a ton of fun with a group of moms from a church group who all read the book “the husband project” It s a three week plan for boosting your relationship. It was really great because each day there was an assignment to do (in secret, our husbands had no idea) It was so eye opening to see how easy it was to do something good for our relationship but also how hard it was to get it done every day.
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
My hubby and I have been together for 11 years and married for 4 so I feel like we know each other so well. After two babies I think that we know we are married to the right person because each of us picks up where the other slacks off. We try to do nice things for each other. I intentionally cook meals I know he loves, which sounds kinda lame but he really appreciates it. The other night when I got home from taking our oldest to dance class, he had folded 3 loads of laundry I hadn’t gotten to yet. We’ve come so far since becoming parents! I think it’s all about the little things, they add up.
cherry / 242 posts
Watch the film “Fireproof.” Then, read the book.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
@Smurfette: I think you’ll have so much fun, even though it will be hard to leave R! Like @Mrs. Lion: , we had our first night away a couple weeks ago and it was like we were suddenly us again. We had such a great time!
@mrskoloa: Seen the movie, but I’ve never read the book!
@Mrs. Train: I’ve never heard of that book, but it sounds like a great idea. I’m going to see if our library has it. Does it tell you a specific thing to do each day or just a general idea?
apricot / 324 posts
So well said! It definitely sparked a need in me to talk to the hubs about making sure we’re still US as well as our son’s parents.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
It was specific things but then talked about how you could change it to make it work for you. Some were like, buy him his favorite treat, pray for him, send a flirty text, get rid of one article of clothes you know he hates, and compliment him. It is a Christian author so she had a quick one sentence daily prayer for your husband too. I could probably write a post about it.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
I also felt more in love with DH than ever when we got home from the hospital! Since the baby requires so much work right now I think it’s at the hardest point it will ever be to make date nights happen, plus they are super expensive since he is as costly as he’ll ever be. But we do have trips planned away from baby this coming March and next fall, and we plan on asking our nanny to stay late every so often so we can meet up for a drink first before coming home.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I felt the same way about the first few months – never stronger. But after a while things became more about parenting than being a good spouse to each other. We have a new rule that there’s no TV during dinner, even if we’re eating on the coffee table ’cause our dining room table is in storage during construction. It’s really helping.
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
Great post!! I think that what is our saving grace here is that we are forced to communicate over vast distances on a regular basis. With a husband who hits the road for work a lot, we have to “go back to basics” at times and actually talk on the phone. It reminds me of when we would have conversations that lasted hours when we first started dating. Although these days, they are less interesting probably. Maybe I should check out the husband project!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
PS – Like @Mrs. Stroller, I try to limit phones at the dinner table. Sometimes its hard with work obligations for us… but we try. Which I think is half the battle!