Hellobee

1. When starting to research adoption, I looked up foster-adoption, embryo, domestic infant and international adoption. We really looked into the Ethiopia program, but at the time we were researching changes were being made in that country, and we got nervous about the idea of starting the process with a country that ended up closing their adoption program to the US. We also knew that we wanted to experience bringing home a newborn if at all possible, since infertility already left us without the experience of pregnancy and giving birth. So, with these two reasons guiding our decision we chose domestic infant adoption.

We also chose open adoption because, in our research, it seemed like the best choice for the child when possible. Our agency also gave us a lot of training and really promoted open adoption. We knew that if there was a situation that would put our child in danger or a situation with an emotionally unhealthy birthparent that we would not keep an adoption open, but we wanted to have as open of an adoption as the birthparents wanted to have. We were open to a whole spectrum of openness, whether that meant regular visits or sending occasional photos and updates.

2. We brought Little Piñata home from the hospital when he was just 2 days old! We didn’t meet him and his birthmother until he was a day old, but brought him home the next day, so I can assure you that those 36 hours were quite a whirlwind.

When we first brought him home, we emailed with his birthmother at least every other day. It felt very strange to me as I wasn’t that confident in my role as his mom yet, and I was just getting into the routine of having a baby in our house! But, from our adoption training (and a few necessary conversations with our social worker) I realized it was best for everyone to keep her informed, especially since she wanted to be! She had carried him for 9 months and then it seemed like he just disappeared! Those regular email updates about how he was eating, doctor’s visits, etc. were very reassuring to her that we weren’t taking him away from her forever and that we WANTED her to be in his life.

From there communication has slowly gotten farther and farther apart so that I now send photos and an update about once a month. When Little P was one month old we started including his birthfather on the regular updates as well, so we have open communication with both birthparents. It’s such a blessing to be able to ask questions like, “Does anyone in your family have an egg allergy?” or “Is anyone in your family VERY sensitive to bug bites?”

Last Christmas we got to meet Little P’s birthfather and had a little Christmas celebration with all 5 of us! We have met with his birthmother 5 times since we brought him home and we love these visits! We truly have a lot in common with her besides Little P so there’s always a lot to talk about. We wish we met up with her more often, but unfortunately, we all have very busy schedules and it’s hard for them to coincide very well.

We hope to continue our open adoption as Little Piñata grows up. We want to maintain contact so he feels that he can ask them questions and know and understand where he is from. We know that not every adoption is like ours, and that this kind of relationship is not possible and even not recommended in many situations, but we’re very grateful for the relationships we’ve been blessed to have.

“Why Korea?” is a question I’m asked often. I wrote a post about this last year as part of my introduction. (You can find it here.) But I’ll give you the Cliffs Notes version for now…

When we started our first adoption process, we looked at domestic as well as international. And… the domestic adoption just didn’t feel like the right fit. We didn’t have the strong desire to bring home a teeny, tiny infant. We didn’t love the idea of having no timeline what-so-ever. We didn’t want to foster parent. We really loved to travel, and explore other countries… which very quickly brought us to international adoption.

Once we settled on International, we had to wade through all the different country options. We started by eliminating the countries that weren’t as appealing to us for one reason or another. Some of the reasons were practical while some were emotional. As we discussed the options and all the pros and cons of each program, my husband and I kept coming back to three Asian countries: China, Korea, and Vietnam. In the end, we chose to pursue the Korea program. Ironically, after all of our deliberation and all our research, in many ways came down to us both just agreeing that “this feels like the right thing.” Sometimes you have to just follow your instincts, I guess.

Mini Michelangelo came home with us at 9 months, two weeks… and somehow, four and a half years have flown by since then! It’s hard to articulate how deeply our family has altered and evolved because of him. He’s made me a better person. He’s made my husband a better person. Our family is a stronger unit because of him. He’s so completely different from us in personality… but also the perfect fit. I roll with more punches, I’m more outgoing, I savor the little things more. All because of him. And while he’s so completely different from us in some ways… he’s also totally “my kid.” Time and time again, people laugh out loud at how similar we can be. He wasn’t made by our family… but he’s 100% made FOR our family. Amazing how it all works out just as it should, no?!

We don’t know who Mini’s birthparents are. We have a sheet of information on them… but no identifying information. We know some details about what they look like and their personality, we know a little family history, and we have an idea of what brought them to choose adoption for their son. But it’s not much. And I don’t know that I can express how difficult that is. So, obviously, there isn’t any birth parent contact for us. We do send update letters and photos on a pretty regular basis to the Korean agency. There, they are placed in a folder that the birth mother can access if she so chooses. We will not know if that has happened until Mini reaches an age where he can request that information… Until then, we do our best to hypothesize with our son on a level that he can understand about his birth parents.

While Mini has always been aware that “he was born in Korea” and that “he was adopted” on various levels of comprehension, this second process has heightened his understanding even more. Now he’s living the wait, experiencing the excitement (and, at times, frustration), and having to explain on some level to friends and teachers that he has a brother… just not here. He first asked about the “mommy he grew in” at three, but now he asks deeper questions that allude to the fact that—on some level—he understands that there are a lot of feelings and emotions and choices that go into adoption. And he has his fair share too! From sadness to joy with even a little anger mixed in. But mostly (thank goodness) he’s positive and proud of his personal journey *and* his little brother’s journey to us. We think that a lot more of this will click into place when we travel to Korea for court and then again to bring home his sibling. He’ll see the nursery where he lived. He’ll hopefully see his foster parents. He’ll see his Korean social worker. Instead of hearing his story from our mouths, he’ll walk through it. But for now, he’s building a repertoire of questions, and things he wants to see while we are there.

Through all of this, we see the wheels turning in his head. We see him finding the words to explain “little brother’s” story, but at the same time… his own personal narrative. We see him work through some good “aha!” moments and some bad “aha!” moments. But at the end of the day… he’s also just a kiddo preparing for a little sibling. Ready to impart his worldly knowledge while protecting “the good toys.”