Three weeks ago, I had a miscarriage.
There, I said it out loud.
(Insert sign of relief here.)
You see, this site has given me a great outlet to blog anonymously about my TTC journey, and I even shared my feelings about my loss on the blog as well. I felt that by sharing about my experience anonymously, I could process my journey and share my experience, hopefully to the benefit of others, while maintaining my anonymity.
What I didn’t realize was how hard that anonymity would be on me. The “what’s new?” and “how are you doing?” questions that once seemed innocuous now sat like a hole in my heart. How do you say, “nothing much” or “oh, I’m good” when you just underwent a surgical procedure to remove a once growing being from your body. Sitting at our Friday morning playgroup, I sat surrounded by pregnant bellies and chatter about spring and summer babies – a conversation I thought I was just weeks from joining when we shared our good news in a few weeks. Now, just being in the room with so many baby bumps had me burning me up inside as I smiled casually, doing my best not to crush the happy mood with my extremely sad news. So none of them know. Because of my silence.
Of course, there is a place for keeping mum in the world of TTC. No one wants people staring at their belly constantly or having friends clamor every time you don’t order a drink. Some people are just very private by nature, though obviously as someone who blogs about our family’s life on the internet, I am not one of those people.
But in a world where it is socially acceptable for people to ask, “when are you and Mr. Confetti going to give Colin a little brother or sister?”, I think it should be equally acceptable for me to respond, “well, we thought that he would be a big brother in September, but I just had a miscarriage, so I guess he is going to have to wait a little longer.” Let me tell you, I tried that response out at a cocktail party last weekend after one too many people asked about trying for #2, and one too many drinks (that number, as it stands, was ONE drink – I am a total lightweight since I almost never drink). To say that it didn’t go over so easily was an understatement. So. Awkward. No one wants a truthful answer to an extremely personal question, yet no one thinks before asking.
More than anything, my pregnancy and then no-more-pregnancy experience reaffirmed that life is much easier when you keep your mouth shut about being pregnant until you are certain that there is a sticky baby in there (and of course, there are no guarantees in life, but for me, this now means at least a couple sightings of a heartbeat and an undeniably substantial bump). Because I felt like I was showing so early (uber bloat) and showing so many signs of pregnancy (food aversions, fatigue, emotional wreck), I became a bit loose-lipped, telling our families and several friends before our first visit. And now I am mad at myself for sharing so casually with people. Feeling like you need to rack your brain over who you told about being pregnant so you can let them know that you aren’t so it doesn’t have to come up in a casual conversation when you aren’t prepared emotionally is awful.
And yet, acting like it never happened at all can be even worse. Experiencing a miscarriage can be an incredibly isolating experience. Our friends and family have been wonderful, but even Mr. Confetti has said that while he is certainly disappointed, he hadn’t grown as attached as I had to the reality of being newly pregnant and growing our family, so it didn’t hit him quite as hard.
The OB/GYN who performed my D&C reassured us of how common miscarriages are, and yet, out of all of my friends and acquaintances with kids and those who have been married long enough to be nagged about babies, I only know one other person who has ever told me she had a miscarriage (excluding my own mom, who also miscarried between me and my sister). Of course, the fabulously supportive community on the Hellobee blog and boards assures me that I am not alone, but why is it so unacceptable for people to say these things out loud, in real life?
So here I am, fessing up, so that hopefully I can break up the ice a little around the subject. How am I? Today, I am doing okay. The physical recovery is mostly behind me, and emotionally, it is a journey I am managing day by day. Soon, everything will be in order so we can get back to the business of trying, instead of recovering, and then I will probably be even better. No need for tears or anything. But let’s not be afraid to talk about it. Okay?
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
Love!
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
I have been thinking of you, and hoping that you’re doing alright. No one talks about loss, and it does seen to be taboo. I wish it wasn’t.
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
Beautifully expressed and I wish you well as you recover and TTC again when ready
guest
I admire your strength. I had a miscarriage before my first and had already told my work about the pregnancy. Fortunately my supervisor did the hard work for me and let my co-workers know about the miscarriage before I returned to work. That was a terrible experience but now I talk about it much more openly. And when I disclose my loss, I have had so many other women share their stories. The first voice of strength often lays the ground work of comfort. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and love go out to you. XOXO
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
I wish it was easier to share these things…and I am so glad you are brave enough to share with all of us. I know your words will bring comfort to other mommas in the same position. Lots of hugs and prayers, Momma…I am so so sorry for your loss
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
It’s so much easier to be happy with people when they are happy, but SO important to be in company with those we care about when they aren’t. I’m so glad you feel like this is a safe place to be at a time when you need company and support. I’ve been thinking about you, too. Such a beautifully written and important thing for you to share!
pomelo / 5524 posts
This was an amazing post and is exactly how I feel. I’ve answered that question before like you have and got radio silence and alienation shortly thereafter. I don’t know when or why miscarriage became so taboo to talk about, but it’s nice when you can finally get it out there and someone else chimes in that they have unfortunately experienced the same thing. Though you never wish that kind of pain on anyone, it’s almost a relief to know that you’re not alone.
Lots of luck in your TTC journey and your healing time as well.
eggplant / 11408 posts
I missed your original post, and it makes me so sad for you. I agree, it is so hard to know whether or not to talk about it. Of course you want to be careful, but why should you have to suffer in silence when things don’t go well? You shouldn’t.
Sending you love and thoughts for healing.
guest
You might be surprised at the number of people you know who have had miscarriages–if you talk about it. I can think of more friends who have had miscarriages than who haven’t.
But I felt the same way after our twin sons were stillborn at 26 weeks. Obviously everyone knew what happened, and the number of people who had had a similar experience was eye-opening. I only wish people were able to talk about it more openly before it happened.
kiwi / 597 posts
Beautiful post. I admire your bravery in sharing your experience with the world. If more women opened up about their losses maybe others wouldn’t feel so alone. For a while I thought I didn’t know anyone (IRL) who had miscarried, but I’ve been finding out that more and more people have they just kept it hush hush. Thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
When my SIL had a miscarriage years ago, she was pretty open about it and it was shocking how many people then responded and told us they had had a miscarriage. It really is something that most people carry in silence, for better or worse. I’ve been thinking of you, and I’m still so very sorry for the loss of the LO.
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
Thank you for sharing with us and I am so sorry for your loss.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
Hugs!
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
Thanks for your honest post and sharing, I am so sorry for your loss
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Beautiful post! I'm so sorry for your loss.
pineapple / 12053 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty and I hope you find healing!
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
Excellent post! I actually think your response to the #2 question was perfect, but it’s occured to me that the people who wouldn’t be awkward are probably the ones who wouldn’t ask such a thing in the first place. I’m so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Confetti.
apple seed / 4 posts
You are not alone. My friend had two miscarriages after her son and is now seven months pregnant.
It is so hard to talk openly about miscarriage. I applaud you for bringing some light to the conversation. So many hugs and I’m so sorry for your loss.
pomelo / 5129 posts
I love this.
I miscarried around the same time (or at least it started around the same time…I never knew it could go on for such a long time because…hello!…people never talk about it!)
I’ve found myself responding “okay” to those asking how I’m doing. Because it’s truthful. I’m just okay.
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
What a sad yet beautiful post! So sorry for your loss.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss! You are absolutely right. People carelessly think it’s okay to make ask all kinds of questions and comments, it just blows my mind. Hoping for the best for you and your family!
pomegranate / 3768 posts
thank you for sharing! i am so sorry for your loss.
pomegranate / 3921 posts
I wrote this on your anonymous post, but again–I am so, so sorry for your loss. This post is so well done, and I completely agree. Even with some of my dearest friends, I find myself struggling with whether or not to tell them about our miscarriage (it happened in October and things are just getting back to normal physically for me). It’s so, so hard to hear those questions, and it seems so unfair to not be able to answer honestly. Prayers to you and Mr. Confetti as you heal and move forward. Thank you so much for sharing!
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
We made it a point to tell people about our miscarriages and talk about them openly. It not only helped us heal but it brought SO MANY women out of the shadows. We told people at church and I kid you not all but 1 woman in my Bible study told me they had suffered miscarriages. They shared with me in hushed tones and its been years and years for some of them, and they still cry to talk about it. Why? Every single lady told me its because no one talks about it and they never got to talk about it with anyone. It struck me how very common MCs are but for some reason, unlike every other kind of death in this world, instead of memorializing that life and comforting each other, we’re told to grieve privately like that baby never existed. I think its why so many women can’t move past it. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, and while they have been painful, I can freely talk about them now and its not an emotionally painful thing to bring up – its just part of my life. If people around me feel uncomfortable or awkward about it, tough. They’ll make themselves scarce. But the majority of our friends, neighbors, and family have completely loved on us and have been so supportive. So now when people I know have miscarriages, I very much encourage them to share with others about their experience. Thanks for sharing your painful journey – its really tough.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
So many hugs. I, too, have tried out that honest answer thing and it is soooooo awkward. But it is so hard to just smile and say “someday” when someone asks when we’re going to have another one.
coconut / 8079 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post.
apricot / 355 posts
I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. This was well written and will hopefully help others who are struggling silently or openly.
grapefruit / 4717 posts
Hugs. You are amazing. What a beautiful post. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
apricot / 334 posts
You’ve expressed so well what it feels like to go through a loss. Hugs. Wishing you all the best as you recover and ttc again. I had a m/c before my first and told almost no one…to avoid the awkward conversations and pity looks. It was awful pretending like everything was ok but the topic felt so taboo.
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
I was told at my first appt that there was no heartbeat and it had most likely stopped growing at five weeks since I thought it had been 9 weeks since my period. I had to wait a week and go back and check. Every woman I chose to tell ended up telling me they had miscarriages and I was surprised how many they were. It was like when I had a lump on my breast, every woman I told said they’d had one too, albeit benign.
A week later I went back for an appt and there was a heartbeat.
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
Hugs
grapefruit / 4187 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss
This is exactly why we refused to announce/admit to being pregnant before the 12 week mark. And I’m not talking about facebook or work, I mean to ANYONE. It rubbed some people the wrong way that we waited so long, but I have no regrets. It’s not that I would ever keep having a miscarriage a secret, but I want to be able to tell people about it AFTER i’ve had time to recover and accept instead of updating them that I’m no longer pregnant.
apricot / 441 posts
This is making me weepy all over again. One particulat sentence really hit me. It is true about all kinds of loss, miscarriage included:
“No one wants a truthful answer to an extremely personal question, yet no one thinks before asking.”
Still thinking of you, and grieving with you.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
One of my close friends had shared with a small group of us about her pregnancy early, and then shared with us again when she had a m/c. I was so glad she chose to share her journey with us so that we could love and support her! Of course, not everyone will be supportive, or know how to, so it is very selective who should know.
I applaud you for being real to those people! It was awkward, but maybe it taught them to not be so nosy next time!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Brilliant post. You’re so right. I wish people would talk more about these issues on a serious level and not on a “when will LO get a sibling?” level. If people want to ask private questions then they should hear the private answers! I think it was really brave of you to answer that way at the party!
Hugs to you and hoping you get another BFP really soon!
guest
Thank you, thank you Mrs Confetti. You are amazing! I can so relate to this post. I also found out I miscarried 3 weeks ago and literally just got home from having the same procedure done. I feel more emotionally okay with it all now, and I was just thinking about how I would approach the subject with people should they ask what our plan was for baby #2. I am going to take your advice and tell the truth to them because I’m not afraid to talk about it! I agree that we need to be more open to help with the healing process.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you so much for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more about your journey.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
@2PeasinaPod: @LovelyPlum: @skipper2010: @Grace: @misslaroo: @kml636: @Thenetexan: @LatteLove: @snowjewelz: @mrs. tictactoe: @Mrs. Pinata: (and to all the other sweet bloggers who have commented): THANK YOU! Your support means so much to me, and to all of you who commented and have experienced a loss of your own, HUGS
@MaryM: I am sorry for your loss too. And yes, "okay" is a great way to respond, since it is as close to accurate as I can get sometimes when I don't want to drop an MC bomb on anyone.
@mfa_lady: thank you for both of your comments from my posts – so sorry you are going through the same, and wishing you a sticky baby ASAP
@gingerbebe: thank you for sharing about how you shared your experience. It's funny because even though I posted this, I haven't garnered the courage yet to share the post within my network of mama friends. I don't know if it will feel more like opening a wound that I am slowly healing or be helpful. Glad sharing was such a positive experience for you.
@Modern Daisy: Yes – this exactly. That is most likely how we will proceed in the future.
apricot / 287 posts
I am so sorry for your loss. I really appreciated this: “No one wants a truthful answer to an extremely personal question, yet no one thinks before asking.”
guest
Thank you for posting this.. I feel like it’s taboo to discuss a miscarriage in my circle as well.. every other day someone asks me when we are going to give LO a brother or sister and I find myself struggling to respond. Keeping quiet about it just exacerbates the problem of feeling isolated. I’m sorry for your loss, but thank you for being brave enough to share.
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
Great post. I am so sorry for your loss.
honeydew / 7444 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I know how you feel when people keep asking when you’re going to give LO a brother/sister and it’s right after suffering a loss. At one point i said, “look, just know that we’re ttc and we’ll let you know when there’s news to tell.”
I actually felt freer when i spoke to people about my m/c (pre-LO). You then learn how many others have gone through the same, and you don’t feel so alone.
Thank you for sharing, and i hope the support gets you through this difficult time.
persimmon / 1472 posts
Thank you for such a beautiful post and *hugs*. Reading your words made me tear because it is everything I am thinking but never did. Thank you for the courage in saying it out loud and letting others know its ok.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Like others have said, I was shocked by how many people I knew had miscarried a baby when I started talking about it. And was even more surprised at how many people struggled with IF.
Big hugs
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Big big hugs!
apricot / 403 posts
SO sorry to hear about your loss. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago followed by many years of infertility struggles. We had told close friends and family bc we were so excited. It turned out to be so comforting for us when we went through the miscarriage to know that our close friends were there to support us through the rough years.
Thanks for sharing your story.
cherry / 240 posts
I’m so sorry about your loss.
I’ve made it a point to talk about my loss to people because I hate how taboo and secretive the topic is. Although everybody knew I was pregnant since my loss was at 21 weeks so it wasn’t exactly a secret to start with. But my thought is that this was an important part of my life and I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen just because some people will be uncomfortable. I shared as much info/details with people as they wanted to know and don’t shy away if the topic comes up in conversation.
coconut / 8472 posts
Wonderful post. A few months before conceiving my son we had a chemical pregnancy and I really wished that it was something that it was more social acceptable to be honest about. I feel like losses shouldn’t be something we have to hide.
I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope you guys are able to conceive again soon.
hostess / papaya / 10540 posts
Hugs! Again I’m so sorry for your loss, you’ve been in my thoughts
And fwiw if people can be so bold to harass us about when we plan on making more babies, you should have every right to respond like you did!
coffee bean / 44 posts
“No one wants a truthful answer to an extremely personal question, yet no one thinks before asking.”
—amen to that!
Thanks for saying what many of us are thinking, you are not alone, @mrs.confetti
kiwi / 659 posts
Thanks for this post. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating it is, as I miscarried and had a d&c at 9 weeks almost 2 years ago. I was devastated, and actually found myself telling friends who didn’t even know I was pregnant because I needed the support. I wish women talked more openly about it. Sending healing thought your way
honeydew / 7968 posts
Hugs! You are in my thoughts.
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
I am so, so late to this… but oh… I just wish I could give you a big, fat hug.
clementine / 948 posts
I also somehow missed this post. I’m so sorry … Big hugs