After about 5 years of being married, Mr. Pencil and I started to casually talk about having children. We knew we had our fun; we traveled a lot, lived in exciting places, and sometimes slept 10 hours a day. Some of my closest friends are still not married, so sometimes it’s just easier to shelf the idea of children until everyone is in the same life stage. However, my mid to late 20’s seemed to zip by!
By the time I turned 30, I became a bit nervous. I knew I may not get pregnant right away, so I thought I should at least get a check up and see if all my woman parts were functioning correctly. Once the OB checked me out, we started to have more serious conversations.
The thought of not having children didn’t devastate us, which I thought should be a clear indicator that maybe we shouldn’t have kids. We could just be that weird auntie and uncle to our family and friends and I would have no problem with that! However, the idea of officially deciding that we were not going to have kids didn’t sound right to me either, so we decided to leave it up to life/God/chance and see what happened. Then one day I started feeling nauseous and had major heartburn.
The night before I was deciding to take a pregnancy test, I laid in bed all night unable to sleep. Was I pregnant? How did that make me feel? More and more, I started to slightly wish to be pregnant… I felt that if I never got to experience being a mother, I would be missing out on something amazing.
From the day that I found out I was pregnant, I was pretty nervous. I did not know a single thing about being pregnant and I’ve never babysat in my entire life! I became extremely anxious and thought I had a miscarriage pretty much every other day. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be pregnant because I know so many women who desperately wanted to be and here I was, just taking it for granted. It took me a long time to accept and relish in my pregnancy as a blessing because of my original thoughts of having kids. Still, my anxiety grew each day about something new. (It seriously never ends!)
I would only breathe a sigh of relief after seeing and hearing the baby. Here’s our first ultrasound picture:
There’s nothing like hearing the first heart beat of your baby! I could not believe that some cells formed and a little beating heart was fluttering in my uterus.
By the time I started showing and was feeling nauseous all the time, I finally started to believe it. I did not have a pregnancy glow for the longest time because I was miserable. My morning sickness lasted all day long and it did not stop until about 14 to 15 weeks. During that time I watched every single episode of Alias on Netflix and some LOST episodes. Yes, that’s a lot of hours!
By the time I was 14 weeks, Baby Pencil started to look less lizard-like and more human:
Initially I really wanted to have a girl, but in the end we didn’t care about the gender, just as long as we had a healthy and happy baby! I had a dream that I was going to have a boy, and lo and behold — we did have a boy!
I knew that my last few months with Mr. Pencil were going to be precious. Some nights while we were in bed reading in a calm, peaceful setting we would look at each other and acknowledge that this was it. In a few months, there was going to be a 3rd person in the room! It was so unbelievable that this was going to happen.
I still can’t believe that that little lizard turned into this!