In the year after Charlie was born, I didn’t do nearly as much as I could have to help raise my son — or even to help out around the house. My excuse at the time was that I was working long hours at my job, which was true. But when Bee got pregnant with Olive 13 months later, I really stepped up and did so much more for our family. It’s been over three years since then, and our household balance has been a lot more equal with two kids than it was with one. In the back of my mind, I’ve often wondered: what changed?
Charlie at 10 months.
I’ve been thinking about this for the past few years, and taking mental notes on how other couples make it all work (or not). I’ve noticed that when there are unequal relationships, there are usually one of three dynamics in play:
* One parent is lazy, and the other one has to pick up the slack. (Hopefully this wasn’t me!)
* One parent is really busy at work, so the other parent has to do more of the parenting and housework. (This was my excuse.)
* There is a gatekeeper dynamic at play. One parent knows the kid best and does things the “right” way, while the other parent tries to keep up — or, just gives up.
In retrospect, I think that a bit of gatekeeper dynamic did start to emerge after Charlie was born. Once we figured out was going on, I was able to step up and become the dad I wanted to be. According to TIME magazine, it’s fairly common for gatekeeping to emerge after a child is born:
“A pattern is established in childbirth and breastfeeding that can be hard to break, observes Greg Allen, author of the blog Daddytypes. The mother becomes the expert first, then cringes as she watches her husband awkwardly stumble through his learning curve. As she hears the cries of her fragile infant, she can’t help but interrupt.”
This isn’t true for everyone, but it was definitely true for us. When our first son Charlie was born, Bee definitely climbed the learning curve first. She was better at everything: feeding, burping, bedtime, comforting, bathtime, etc. I felt I was doing everything wrong — not because it was pointed out to me, but because Charlie would let me know in no uncertain terms that I sucked at everything. Babies make for tough bosses! And if Charlie was crying while under my care, I’m sure it hurt Bee to know that she could make him happy again in just a few seconds.
Charlie at 21 months.
It’s depressing when your baby looks at you like you’re the second string parent: the parent that would only get called in if the first string parent broke her leg or had to go to the hospital for major surgery. But slowly, over time, I got better at this parenting thing. The breakthrough was simple: morning sickness! Not mine, but Mrs. Bee’s. When she became pregnant with Olive, she got really bad morning sickness and so I took over things with Charlie (he was 14 months or so). I handled night wakeups and early mornings for the next three plus years (and bathtime/bedtime once Olive came). I still wasn’t very good at them, but I climbed that learning curve just like any new parent and figured it out!
What was surprising to me is that it felt a lot easier to parent Charlie alone, than to parent him together with my wife. Sometimes she would offer me useful advice after I put Charlie down, like what worked for her when she was putting him to bed at night. In normal circumstances I’d view that as healthy communication, but for some reason I chose to hear her advice as criticism (sorry, honey!!). But pregnancy really knocked her out in the first trimester, through a combination of sleepiness and morning sickness. By the time she recovered, I had figured out the ropes and was a much better parent to our son. It was a lot easier for me to take her advice at that point, maybe because I felt more secure about my parenting.
Charlie at 2 1/2 years.
What I learned from the whole experience was that there was no reason I couldn’t have been a better dad (and husband) earlier in Charlie’s life. I made excuses to myself about being busy, but really I was just trapped in the gatekeeper dynamic — where my SO was better at parenting than me, and my son let me know it. In that state, I was somehow rendered unable to receive healthy advice and communication about how to best care for our child. Definitely not my best hour as a dad.
It’s coming on 4 years since those dark days, and hopefully I’ve made up for my early poor performance by becoming a better dad. I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one: with a lot of my guy friends, they also became much more involved dads when the second child came (and for similar reasons). If I knew now what I knew then though, Charlie’s first year would have been much easier for him and his mom and I would’ve stepped up right away.
Gatekeeping is defined a lot of different ways, but the definition I find most useful is this: it’s a dynamic that sometimes emerges when one parent is “better” at parenting than the other one. The dynamic can be draining to the other parent, who struggles to do things the right way — or just gives up entirely.
Here are some ways we’ve found to help avoid the gatekeeping dynamic:
* Make sure that each parent gets time alone with the kids. There’s something about 1:1 time with your kid that is a gamechanger. Your kid knows that they can’t just ask for the other parent, and you know that it’s all on you to figure things out. Both of these combine to make climbing the learning curve so much easier!
* Be really careful about criticism. I try to be really careful about saying things to my wife that could be perceived as criticism — especially on parenting topics. Now if I think our kids are at risk of injury, then I will of course always say something right away. Short of that, I try not to say anything about how she’s parenting — even if it’s different from how I would do it.
* Save comments for later. I think it’s really important to have healthy communication about differences in our parenting styles. But I’ve found that I’m more likely to hear it (and be heard!) if it comes later on in the day rather than in the moment and in front of the kids.
* If there’s something I’m doing “wrong,” we’ll see if we can rearrange responsibilities a bit. For example, I am not really capable of dressing the kids in cute outfits. One solution is to have the parent with better style post pictures of cute outfits near the dresser (I used to browse Bee’s Instagram to find cute outfits she had chosen for the kids previously). Or the stylish parent can layout a week’s worth of outfits ahead of time — and the less stylish parent (i.e. me) can dress the kids every morning without fear that the outfit will look terrible.
A lot of parents quickly reach a great household balance, and that’s great. Unfortunately that’s not where we netted out right away, so I thought I would share my experiences.
Has anyone else struggled with an unequal household balance, or with a gatekeeping dynamic?
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
This is really interesting! I think because both Mr. P and I have had time consuming jobs, we have been forced to share responsibility from the start. I’m sure we each do things a different way and Little P has become flexible with how we each do things thankfully.
kiwi / 511 posts
I think this is a great post, and I have to say sometimes I guilty of gatekeeping but I try to be aware of it. That has led to some discussions between my DH and I mostly after the kids are down, where he felt I was upset with something he did, when in reality it was me leaving so that I didn’t step in and say do it my way, because he was doing just fine it was just different.
One piece of advice my brother in law gave my DH, that was apparently useful to my DH was this: There are two people in the world Mommy, and NotMommy. You as the Dad are great but you are still NotMommy, it sucks but try not to take it personally. My DH agreed it sucked but he said that knowing that going in helped soften the blow.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Great post! I always love posts from a guy’s perspective too!
I am interested to see our gatekeeper dynamic once our LO is born; I know as the mom, I am supposed to learn faster, but DH is so capable, that I wonder if he’ll surpass me to begin with!
pea / 8 posts
My DH and I struggled with this balance in the beginning too, especially when I was home on maternity leave. Being the one who was with our son all day every day definitely added to the “gatekeeper” dynamic (great term, btw!). When I returned to work and my husband was home alone with our son one day a week, things shifted and I could see his confidence grow. He didn’t automatically look to me first for what he “should” be doing with the baby. Now our son is 3 and we have a great balance going that caters to each of our strengths. We’re expecting our second next month and I’m curious how the dynamic will continue to evolve!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Yes – this is exactly the same as us! Once I got pregnant with #2, DH took over all of Noelle’s duties (but prior to that we did bath and bedtimes together, so we were always doing things together which was nice!) – I think him doing things on his own gave him more confidence and really allowed them to bond. Noelle is SUCH a daddy’s girl now. She’s always, “I want daddy to put me to bed”.. a far cry from what it used to be!
And hey lookie – a post with a pic of you in it, yay!!
kiwi / 511 posts
@Linus26: your post reminded me of a story it was about two months after the birth and I went out shopping leaving my DH home with our newborn. He called me all apologetic because he couldn’t calm him down, and didn’t know what he wanted and said he felt like a failure. I reassured him that he was not and gave him some suggestions to try, but I also told him that he shouldn’t compare himself to me. He told me that he felt like a failure because he had to ask for help, I told him I had been in the same situation except I did it in private because there was no one else to call no one else knew our baby but me at the time. That seemed to help him and the fact that I said just because something worked for me once didn’t mean it was going to work again, it just meant that was the first thing I would try the next time it happened.
Looking back on it, it sounds funny but it was a luxury to be able to fail in private where as my husband failed in public (even if the public was just me).
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I find this terribly frustrating. And short of 1 on 1 time, I’m not sure how to make this go away. I’m really happy that hubby will be taking the last 10 weeks of parental leave. Hopefully it will even things out.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Definitely us! It’s all me, and DH is the one with intense baby fever for #2 ever since DS was born. I cringe thinking about the amount of work yet to come to care for 2 LO’s on my own. But after reading your story, maybe things will shift for the better when we do conceive #2???? Thanks for giving me some hope!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
I think DH also has a bit of #2 and #3 going on…interesting!
pea / 8 posts
@Mrs.Maven: Great story and so true! I definitely didn’t have all (or even most!) of the answers, but I had figured some things out through trial and error with just me and the babe. And eventually, my DH figured out his own techniques and was the “expert” for a lot of things. It’s great when we can encourage each other as parenting partners!
pineapple / 12053 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: one of my biggest questions is what mr bee looks like. Ha.
This is so hard because I spend more time with DD. I am totally guilty of stepping in as much as I recognize it’s an issue!
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
Oh this is a GREAT post and Mr. Pencil and I have discussed some of these things recently! (Like my suggestions coming off as criticism.) I think a lot of this makes perfect sense. There’s nothing like being thrown in the lion’s den to make you go “uhhh wait so how do I do this?” and being forced to learn how to parent. That’s exactly how I feel right now anyway! I spend the most time with the baby so of course he’s going to particularly like me more than anyone. But with a 2nd kid, I’m sure it’ll change things up.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
I love hearig about this from a dad’s perspective. You secretly (well not-so-secretly) remind me of Mr. Tiger from Daniel Tigers Neighborhood. Since I haven’t ever met you in person (obviously), that is how I imagine you – hands on, great parent, in tune with the kids needs. (clearly this is meant as a compliment not as a crazy person). Sounds like this emerged on the brink of being dad times 2.
I am glad that we didn’t face too much of this, but I attribute it to Mr. C being the favorite – he could do no wrong in C’s eyes, since he was 8 or 9 months.
grape / 81 posts
Great post! Our situation was a bit different since we adopted our first son at 8 months old. As a result, both my husband and I were on the same foothold to begin. We were equal partners and it showed me how capable my husband is as a father. He even took 7 months parental leave to be home with him after I took my 7 months. To this day, our son, who is now 6, is very tight with Dad…more tight than the two birth sons who followed and were exclusively breastfed, thus needing me a lot more.
blogger / cherry / 113 posts
Great post! We’re trying to co-parent, and though I’ve been taking on a lot of the work since Baby Sea Otter was born, Otter Pop has been great with him when he gets home from work. It’ll be interesting to see how it plays out with us!
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
Interesting! I can see the similarities in our lives. Always nice to hear your (a guy’s) perspective!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
this is a great post! so interesting and lots to think about!
pomegranate / 3113 posts
Really interesting post. We struggle with household balance, but not so much the childcare/involvement aspects. My DH is really involved and has been from the start (he was changing diapers before I’d even gotten out of the hospital bed!). Ever since I went back to work after mat leave, because of his work schedule, he has spent many more waking hours with her than I have and they have their own routines I’m not really part of. On the other hand, DD prefers me for bedtime and she and I share our own special routines. I’ve made a conscious effort never to criticize DH’s parenting, and while I’m sure I’ve slipped a few times, I know he feels as fully capable of caring for her as I do (minus the boobs).
The problem is all the rest of the household chores — cooking, cleaning, maintenance, yard work, etc. Every once in awhile, DH will throw in a load of laundry or sweep the patio and then act like he climbed Mt. Everest or something. If I specifically say something needs to be done, he *might* do it…or might not. I know DD takes an enormous amount of time and energy and it’s legitimately hard to get anything done when you’re watching her. But we do have full-time childcare, and I’m torn between wishing DH would let her stay later some days and do some stuff around the house and really not wanting to suggest he spend less time with her. Sigh.
blogger / clementine / 750 posts
Such a great post and an excellent reminder for both mom and dad. I remember reading something similar a few months after my daughter was born and I made a very strong effort to let my husband be a father and to let him learn how to parent on his own. Luckily, my husband’s been extremely involved since the beginning; I just had to let my mama bear (rabbit?) guard down a bit.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
I love love love posts like this and that you, Mr. Bee, are such an active member of Hellobee and writes posts like this!! I think some of your earlier posts about parenting are the exact reason why Hubs and I DO have a fairly equal parenting balance. Right from the get-go, Hubs was in charge of certain duties (like baths and bedtime), so we both got alone time with Xander and could become secure in our parenting at roughly the same time. Although now Hubs is better at putting him to bed than I am… lol!
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
I got really lucky with my husband. When M came into our home, he picked up a lot of the slack I had dropped when I needed to feed another body every 2 hours. He still does these things – dishes, mainly. It’s been really nice having that equal balance of housework. It makes us both happy.
grapefruit / 4136 posts
@PurplePeony: I’m sorry, did you just type my post because that’s MY response!
DH was honestly better with J than I was, even in the hospital. We both have times of day where we have our strengths and special routines, however DH seemed to really become a dad and fall into the role much easier than I did.
I do love seeing a guys perspective. I know we often are overrun by female opinions here
honeydew / 7968 posts
I guess I fall into the second category. My husband has a demanding job, so it was already agreed upon that I’d stay at home while he’d bring home the bacon. I wish he could take half responsibility, but alas, that’s not in the cards for us…. And now I’m expecting my third.
nectarine / 2641 posts
My husband has always been a fantastic father, but when I got the norovirus when my little guy was 17 months. I was out out for longer than 24 hours (even skipped our morning nursing session), and it allowed my husband to feel more confident in his ability to parent by himself.
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
My husband always dresses our daughter up all cute and coordinated. I always just throw her into zippy pajamas and pack her into her car seat.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
How did I miss this post? Going to share with DH
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
I’m so late to this post… but it’s a really, really good one! We totally have the “one parent works more” dynamic. Wait. No. We have the one parent is sent out to CA bi-weekly dynamic. Which leaves the other one doing more. And that dynamic is hard because I struggle setting up new routines on a weekly basis for the kiddos! I like your tips a lot though… And I know I need to be better about just *leaving* when Daddy is on duty!
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
This is a really interesting read. I need to mull this over and share with DH Not sure if he will read it since he isnt a reader but maybe I cna print it out and just high light the key parts lol
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
Interesting. Is it possible for roles to reverse? I used to be the better parent but now, Mr. Sunglasses is.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@Mrs. Sunglasses: Just curious – what caused the role reversal?
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
@mrbee: I think a lot of it has to do with my career. I’m very career oriented whereas Mr. sunglasses. Isn’t. He would rather stay home with the kids and I rather work. I think they listen to him more and he way of teaching them is better then mine. Idk what made him better or on the contrary what triggered me to be in 2nd place