Hellobee

My phone rang at 6:25pm Monday evening. I was doing my usual evening sweep through the house – turning on Baby Carrot’s sound machine and humidifier, getting her PJs out of the closet, picking up toys, while Mr. Carrot was finishing up dinner with her in the kitchen. Normally, I don’t pick up the phone between 5:30, when we usually pick Baby C up from daycare, and 7:30-8, when she falls asleep, and normally, people know not to call me at this time because I’m unlikely to answer. But I did that evening – it was my boss’s boss calling, and while that wouldn’t have made a difference this time last week, it did on Monday. I picked up the phone because I’m on vacation all week.

I realize how strange that last statement sounds, but I found that it perfectly encapsulates the biggest challenge I have as a working mom – the feeling that you have to prove yourself a little bit more and use your free time productively (without relaxation fitting anywhere in that definition, usually). I picked up the phone because the project my boss was calling about is something I was trusted with after another department head left and her replacement hasn’t yet been found. I’ve been the point person on the project, on top of my full time job running my own department, and I am the only one with the answer my boss needed. I could have not picked up. I could have reminded him I was on vacation. But I answered his questions, because in the back of my mind, I would have wondered if he thought me less dedicated or, worse yet, less necessary, if I wasn’t accessible. Although I set my boundaries day to day, I do feel a twinge of guilt, both when I do answer a text or email from a coworker in that sacred 2 hour window I’ve allotted myself to focus on my family, and equally when I don’t answer and feel like I’m neglecting my professional responsibilities.

This week is my first vacation since before Baby C was born 17 months ago. This too has been an interesting experience because since having a baby, it seems impossible to take any time off without using that time for something productive. I leave for California on Wednesday to see some friends. On Monday and Tuesday, my plans are to cook, clean and catch up on errands and house projects that take a back seat to everything else during our usual daily rush. Mr. Carrot, bless him, has told me multiple times to take these two days for myself, like I am the other three, but knowing that I come back later in the day on Saturday and only have Sunday before going back to work makes me feel like these two days would be a missed opportunity if I didn’t finally hang up those photos that have been sitting around for years (!) and didn’t do some freezer cooking for next week.

There seems to be a subtle but pervasive guilt about taking time for yourself once you’re a parent, and especially when you’re a working parent. Most of the time, you don’t focus on that guilt because who has time to relax, really. And it’s OK to leave the toys on the floor and to order takeout when you had a long day at work and baby woke up super early and you’re just exhausted by the time she’s finally in bed. But once you have time, you suddenly find yourself at 3 PM on day 2 of  your vacation, listening to pasta sauce simmering on the stove, the slow cooker going, dry cleaning finally dropped off, toilets finally scrubbed, and your back cranky that it’s been propping up your non-stop moving self since 5 AM instead of lounging against a sofa cushion.

Work in one hand, life in the other

Intellectually, I know that this is mostly self inflicted and even laugh at myself when I complain about not having any free time, given my tendency to use it as I do. There are plenty of ways to prioritize and decide what’s really worth doing and find some time to just relax. But something always feel undone in the end, and the cycle begins again with the next day off, and of course, it becomes more stressful and frustrating when that unopened magazine and unread blog queue continues to grow. So instead of dedicating full days off to just free time, I make deals with myself and try to sneak in treats and relaxation.

1) Make a to-do list, and include at least one fun thing on it. Because I’m lucky enough to earn vacation time pretty quickly, I try to use it regularly to catch up on “life” things while Baby C is at daycare. I usually plan these a week or so in advance, and make a list of what I want to accomplish that day. In the mix of errands, cooking, cleaning, and yes, checking in with work, I usually include a pedicure. During the pedicure, I don’t check my work email and force myself to read a book or magazine, or watch the SVU reruns at the salon. I also take myself out to breakfast once I drop off Baby C at daycare and Mr. Carrot at the train station, and similarly, use that time to read, catch up on blogs, etc.

2) Stop halfway. I had every intention of washing the floors on my day off. I hate washing floors, so this chore is always put off for weeks and weeks on end, but I equally hate how the floors look when unwashed. Alas, after sweeping all the dust in the house, scrubbing the toilets, and making three meals, I decided the floors just aren’t that important today. There is almost always something on the list that can wait for the next day off.

3) Give yourself one small block of free time. A lot of people use nap time as their window to get things done. I intentionally don’t because I worry that if I spend those 2 hours running around the kitchen or cleaning up, I’ll be too tired to keep up with my high energy toddler for the rest of the afternoon, especially since she’s an early riser and by the time nap comes around, it feels like it’s already been a full day. So I use nap time to have lunch, to tidy up a bit, but mostly to either sneak in a short nap myself or just lay down and read and relax. If there is something that absolutely needs to be done that day or that weekend, Mr. Carrot and I figure out a strategy – ie, he’ll take Baby C to Gymboree while I cook uninterrupted, or she and I will go to the park while he vacuums or cooks – but nap time is relaxation for all of us to make sure Baby C has our full energies for the afternoon.

4) Cut the guilt (and yourself a break). It’s OK to take a work call every so often. It’s OK to ignore it, too. It’s OK to use a day off to catch up on all the things – it makes me feel lighter to know things are done and not hanging over me – but it’s also OK to sit on the couch and watch TV and relax (if I wasn’t getting on a plane on Wednesday, I most definitely would have been spending the day with Real Housewives of New Jersey). I truly believe that the feeling of work-life balance is a myth. But there is a way for everyone to find a comfortable middle ground in a way that works for you, your work life and home life. Figure out what makes you feel lightest at the end of the day and do that. The unwashed floors can wait another day.