Iris is home and Roman is officially a big brother. After months of seeking advice on the issue of how best to handle this adjustment for our young toddler and compiling this list of guidelines, Iris arrived quite unexpectedly at 30 weeks, which for Roman meant first adapting to life with less reliable parents. After 16 months of co-sleeping and staying home all day every day, I was suddenly spending my days at the hospital, squeezing in time with him in the morning or later in the evening, while he spent his days with one of his grandmothers. He handled this beautifully, with the exception of one week where it turned out he had his first molar breaking through.

We managed to follow some of our own advice: transitioning Roman to his own room (except that instead of sleeping alone he now sleeps with one of his grandmothers), introducing him to the new baby while she was in her car seat instead of our arms, scheduling extra help from our parents to make sure he is getting enough attention, and making a point of spending a little one on one time with him each day. Advice like “not ignoring him while the baby is getting attention” has been the easiest so far, as I suspected, since he is still getting far more attention than his little sister. As far as “establishing a solid routine to maintain consistency,” we failed miserably. The upheaval of the surprise premature birth led to a complete disintegration of his routine. We failed to be consistent with the times we were going to the hospital each day, and his sleep schedule somehow got so thrown off he’s sometimes awake until 1 am!

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For the first few days after meeting Iris Roman appeared shy, skeptical, perhaps suspicious. He would tuck his chin to his chest, slightly pout and glare at her whenever she caught his eye. For the most part he went about his business as usual. He was never jealous when I was holding her, he wasn’t acting out in any way; he just gave her the occasional dirty look while playing with one of his many new toys. We ordered him three new books to try to help him understand who she was and what was happening: I’m a Big Brother, My New Baby, and The New Baby. He quickly grew quite fond of them and seemed to be making the connection between the stories and his life as of late.

In week two of having Iris home Roman became fascinated with her. He loves to watch her drink her bottle and get her diaper changed. He brings her pacifiers and bottles and sometimes his own toys. We try to find little ways for him to help, like throwing away her dirty diapers (because he really loves dumping things in the trash can, usually things that don’t belong there). He even loves the breast pump, particularly turning it on, putting the pump pieces together and sticking them to my chest. He’ll stand there watching the milk flow into the bottles and repeat “wow” a few times and clap his hands. (His fascination is pretty adorable, and if breastfeeding selfies are a thing, why not breast pumping selfies?!)

When he looks at her now it is with big happy curious eyes. Our one big, persistent problem is that he breaks down into his saddest tears whenever she cries or sounds upset. The first few times she ever cried he became completely hysterical. We try to explain to him why she’s crying, and hopefully soon he’ll be able to understand (if he’s sufficiently distracted, by say Blues Clues, he manages not to notice or get upset by her outbursts.)

He’s started sort of saying “baby” but as we anticipated, being 17 months old and unable to fully communicate has made things a little more confusing for him. I really can’t imagine what he must be thinking. Whatever it is that’s going on in his head, it does not seem to include jealousy, or any negative feelings really, at least not so far.

My mom has been staying with us since Iris was born, so as far as what life with “two under two” will be like, I’m not sure yet. Iris has been home for not yet two weeks, so we have a long way to go in Roman’s transition, but I am happy to be able to report that so far he’s handling it better than we even expected. Sadly he’s had a cold since her homecoming so we have yet to take any pictures of them together. Hopefully in the coming weeks we’ll manage the new sibling photo shoot we were planning (I especially want a picture of their little feet all together!)

Anyone have any experience with siblings crying in reaction to each others cries? Or advice on what to expect in these coming weeks?