A couple of weeks after discovering I was carrying our second child, I attended a bachelorette party for one of my very best friends. We started the day at a pool at a hip Brooklyn hotel. I was in my new one piece with an ever so slight baby bump, because that’s just what happens the second time around, at least for me. I sat around with my beautiful unmarried, baby-free friends as they day drank and I recall noticing for the first time how hard everyone was on their bodies. All the little self-conscious jokes. So I shared with these ladies my empowered post-pregnancy and childbirth outlook on body image. How ridiculous it suddenly seemed to be so critical of something so powerful. I felt a real sense of not having the right to disrespect my body in that way after all it had given me, all it had been through. I remembered being in that phase of my life, fearing what motherhood would do to my breasts, my stomach, my skin and how trivial those fears felt after my son was born.
I went home that week and started a blog post. Then a few weeks into the pregnancy I noticed my pants fitting tighter. I was gaining more weight than in my first pregnancy and I caught myself constantly remarking negatively on my body. Sharing my disgust with myself to my husband, whether to fish for compliments or make sure he was aware that I was aware that I wasn’t looking too hot, I’m not sure. (Which is ridiculous because, just to be clear, my husband could not possibly do a better job of making me feel beautiful and desirable, even when I haven’t showered all week or hid my dark under eye circles in months.) I never finished that blog post; how hypocritical it would have been to boast of my new-found self confidence. It just wasn’t that simple. The new perspective was real, but forging onward with that outlook would not happen magically; it would take conscious choices each and every day. The real revelation: when it comes to body image it’s about more than a shift in perspective, it’s about re-training your brain.
I feel so strongly about this issue. I think the level to which women’s bodies are being photoshopped in magazines and advertisements is a straight up crisis. Happiness with our bodies should not be an unattainable state residing just beyond a certain work out routine or new fad diet. Yet that internal voice is still there, picking myself apart. I recently started listening to Cheryl Strayed’s Dear Sugar revival podcast, and the second full episode deals with this issue of the conflicting nature of our values with our culturally saturated brains and internal voices. I listened and I thought of that old post and decided to rethink it.
The thing is, I have to resolve this particular internal conflict. When it comes to my parenting philosophy I only have a few central tenants, one of them being: teach by example. These days I am constantly examining the example I am setting for my children, and this issue is no exception. Research and our own simple observation show us that children learn the behavior we model for them. I do not want to model that self critical voice or impossible beauty standard for my children. I want them to respect and value their bodies for the magical forces of nature that they are. I want them to be grateful to have healthy bodies to dance with, to go on exploratory walks with, to run wild with. I want to figure out how to keep the thought of how those bodies “should” look from ever crossing their minds. Because, obviously, there is absolutely no certain way a body “should” look.
First I need to take the matter of forming better habits of self judgment more seriously, because as this current research study shows, children have enough stacked against them when it comes to body image. Telling them they’re beautiful and perfect, telling them how they should look at themselves, is not enough. I need to show them. I need to start by recognizing those negative, critical thoughts when they arise, and replace them with thoughts of gratitude.
Has your perspective on your body shifted since having children? How do you teach your children self confidence and self respect?
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
As a lifelong fat girl (I say this factually, not critically, and I don’t believe in using the term “fat” critically – I am what I am), body image has been a lifelong issue for me. The things I’ve put my body and especially my mind through, I shudder to even think about it. Then in college, I read “Good in Bed” by Jennifer Weiner – the first book that made me cry ever – and I was changed. I was far from being a mother at that point but the main character’s struggle with her weight and then refocusing on her baby and being a better, happier but not necessarily thinner version of herself really got to me. So I stopped dieting, I stopped losing my mind and I made peace with being who I am – a fat girl. A fairly healthy one who loves to exercise, and generally eats well, but a fat girl nonetheless. And thankfully I was able to keep that perspective through pregnancy and even post pregnancy. My biggest gripe with myself right now is not prioritizing exercise as much as I should – my poor fitness is preventing me from being as active with my daughter as I would like to be. But I hope to never go back to being the girl that obsessed about weight and image – I hope to never expose my daughter to that.
pomelo / 5720 posts
As someone who has struggled with body image for as long as I can remember, this post really hit home for me. I didn’t worry so much about how I would impact my son, but now that I have a daughter, I am so aware of how my feelings about my body are going to effect her. I hope to be able to show her (and my son) that I am healthy and strong, and that they don’t have to go to extremes to feel good about who they are or what size they are.
guest
I’ve struggled with body image my whole life and, like you, worried what pregnancy would do to my body and my self-esteem. Funny enough, I didn’t mind the pregnancy weight so much and now (15 days post partum) I’ve never felt more beautiful or more at peace with my body. Yes, I’m softer and squishier…like a mommy (well, this mommy) should be. I hope I can continue to feel this way as my baby girl gets older, and I can be a good example of body acceptance and love for her.
All mommies (and bodies) are beautiful!
cherry / 229 posts
Also a life long fat girl here, I use the word fat because that’s what I am and I love it. I have felt such freedom after having a baby. It might have something to do with not knowing which stretch marks but I actually think I have a great and profound respect for my body. Also the act of giving birth in a room full of people after being in labor for 3 days made me really really aware of how little I’m bothered by people looking at me. I think there is so much shame wrapped up in the relationship we have with our bodies that it is impossible for it to always be a happy one, but it is my hope to teach my daughter how to build a positive and loving relationship with her body.
Also, I love Dear Sugar! If you’re new to it, Tiny Beautiful Things is an amazing book, it’s a collection of Dear Sugar letters.
squash / 13208 posts
I have also worried about my body my whole life. Now that I have kids I am trying so hard to watch what I say!
My 6yr old DS asked me if I was going to the gym because I was fat – I was totally taken aback – for the record I don’t think I am fat, just flabby, and I told him “no way, I want to be healthy and have a strong heart!. Now when he sees me exercise he tells me “mommy you have a strong heart”
its not just our daughters….. our sons are listening too!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Mamaof2: I agree with the sons comment big time! I think men learn a lot about how to treat women based on how their mothers are both treated and treat themselves. Confidence matters regardless of gender, and I would definitely be as mindful of what I say about myself if I had a son as I am with a daughter.
GOLD / apricot / 341 posts
Such a great post. Thank you!
persimmon / 1178 posts
Powerful issue.
I struggled and thought I overcame body issues in my 20s but they have popped back up in the last year. I think it is angst set off by part postpartum body changes + getting older.
I HATE how much time and energy I waste on either 1) dissing myself over my weight or 2) dissing myself over dissing myself over my weight. I would commit to being any size, no matter how small or large, if I could boot this nasty preoccupation outta my head.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
I have been aware of this since my friend’s toddler would point to his tummy and say it was fat, since his grandma often did that to herself. I think boys are just as vulnerable as girls to these negative attitudes! Regardless of my own feelings about my body I am careful to not voice them in front of the kids.
pear / 1696 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: love love love your comment! I feel like I could have written it myself, except I have not read that book. Will check it out.
blogger / cherry / 247 posts
totally love this post and can relate…trying to find grace for myself as this body changes yet again (second pregnancy)
guest
I’m a month behind on this, but I have to say, what a wonderful piece, Mrs. Pom Pom! As someone who went from an underweight toddler and child to a teenager and adult hoovering at the border between overweight and a healthy weight, I have struggled with my body image much of my adult life. It’s only recently that I have realised how negatively my ever skinny mother has affected me with her bad body image, even if I didn’t become aware of it until I was in my mid to late 20’s. She never openly complained about her body, but still, the small things we were both unaware of trickled down into my subconscious and took root there.
Next step is to tell myself that I’m beautiful every day, and that our scars and imperfections are part of who we are, but that they don’t define us, something that I truly believe, but sometimes have a hard time accepting.