A couple of weeks after discovering I was carrying our second child, I attended a bachelorette party for one of my very best friends. We started the day at a pool at a hip Brooklyn hotel. I was in my new one piece with an ever so slight baby bump, because that’s just what happens the second time around, at least for me. I sat around with my beautiful unmarried, baby-free friends as they day drank and I recall noticing for the first time how hard everyone was on their bodies. All the little self-conscious jokes. So I shared with these ladies my empowered post-pregnancy and childbirth outlook on body image. How ridiculous it suddenly seemed to be so critical of something so powerful. I felt a real sense of not having the right to disrespect my body in that way after all it had given me, all it had been through. I remembered being in that phase of my life, fearing what motherhood would do to my breasts, my stomach, my skin and how trivial those fears felt after my son was born.

I went home that week and started a blog post. Then a few weeks into the pregnancy I noticed my pants fitting tighter. I was gaining more weight than in my first pregnancy and I caught myself constantly remarking negatively on my body. Sharing my disgust with myself to my husband, whether to fish for compliments or make sure he was aware that I was aware that I wasn’t looking too hot, I’m not sure. (Which is ridiculous because, just to be clear, my husband could not possibly do a better job of making me feel beautiful and desirable, even when I haven’t showered all week or hid my dark under eye circles in months.) I never finished that blog post; how hypocritical it would have been to boast of my new-found self confidence. It just wasn’t that simple. The new perspective was real, but forging onward with that outlook would not happen magically; it would take conscious choices each and every day. The real revelation: when it comes to body image it’s about more than a shift in perspective, it’s about re-training your brain.

I feel so strongly about this issue. I think the level to which women’s bodies are being photoshopped in magazines and advertisements is a straight up crisis. Happiness with our bodies should not be an unattainable state residing just beyond a certain work out routine or new fad diet.  Yet that internal voice is still there, picking myself apart. I recently started listening to Cheryl Strayed’s Dear Sugar revival podcast, and the second full episode deals with this issue of the conflicting nature of our values with our culturally saturated brains and internal voices. I listened and I thought of that old post and decided to rethink it.

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The thing is, I have to resolve this particular internal conflict. When it comes to my parenting philosophy I only have a few central tenants, one of them being: teach by example. These days I am constantly examining the example I am setting for my children, and this issue is no exception. Research and our own simple observation show us that children learn the behavior we model for them. I do not want to model that self critical voice or impossible beauty standard for my children. I want them to respect and value their bodies for the magical forces of nature that they are. I want them to be grateful to have healthy bodies to dance with, to go on exploratory walks with, to run wild with. I want to figure out how to keep the thought of how those bodies “should” look from ever crossing their minds. Because, obviously, there is absolutely no certain way a body “should” look.

First I need to take the matter of forming better habits of self judgment more seriously, because as this current research study shows, children have enough stacked against them when it comes to body image. Telling them they’re beautiful and perfect, telling them how they should look at themselves, is not enough. I need to show them. I need to start by recognizing those negative, critical thoughts when they arise, and replace them with thoughts of gratitude.

Has your perspective on your body shifted since having children? How do you teach your children self confidence and self respect?