Hellobee

They say placenta produces happy hormones. I am inclined to believe them, because I was the happiest pregnant lady. Perhaps even that annoyingly smiley kind it’s easy to hate? To say I was not prepared for the quick downslide of emotions after I gave birth is an understatement.

After Will was born, I went through the typical postpartum hormonal highs and lows. I cried at the drop of the hat (and I am not a crier by nature), I had nighttime-induced anxiety (will he sleep? will I? can I really nurse eight times over the next twelve hours without dying?), and I could not have loved my husband more (I actually didn’t want to nap while the baby did because I didn’t want to miss out on time with him).

It began to dissipate after a few weeks and I started to feel closer to my ‘pre-pregnancy’ self. By my six-week doctor check-up, I felt like I was ok. I was crying every day at the thought of going back to work, which I had to do at just eight weeks and was so hard, but I felt like that was probably normal and that I mostly had my emotions under control. I had only happy thoughts for my son and loved being a mama.

Not long after I returned to work, though, Will went on permanent nursing strike, and my husband found out he was about to start a new job with a very unique schedule (working days, nights, and everything in between). Somewhere in the midst of all of these changes, I developed an intense case of anxiety. Suddenly, I was terrified of bedtime and being in charge of putting Will in his crib. I anxiously awaited every middle of the night wake up and my pulse quickened with every noise he made as he slept. I had to carry the monitor around, strapped to my shirt, just in case, never mind that any noise Will made could be heard via the monitor at least twenty feet away. I was overly attentive to any noise we made after we put Will to sleep, and was pretty cranky if someone was louder than I thought they needed to be.

Crying if I had to work late and miss bedtime became the norm. I had so little confidence in myself as a mom; I feared that I wasn’t doing it right. I felt I had caused the bottle preference and that I hadn’t made any good choices since having Will – that going back to work had been the domino to lead to the end of nursing and his seemingly increased night wakings.

The anxiety came to a head about five months after Will was born, when I noticed that I was increasingly despondent and tired. Mr. Milk and I were struggling to speak the same language and I knew it was me – but I didn’t have the words to talk about it. After an internal struggle, I was finally able to tell him I felt that I might be depressed and I didn’t know what to do about it. I wasn’t opposed to therapy or medication, but I felt like what had helped me pull out of the initial postpartum blues could help me this time too. I realized that it had quickly spiraled downward and my anxiety had grown when I bottled up my feelings and thoughts and didn’t feel like I had anyone to discuss them with; when I did try to share, I was anxious about something like putting Will to bed or going to work and felt as though I was only frustrating Mr. Milk.

I shared with Mr. M that his new schedule was a great source of anxiety for me – managing night time alone when it was such a stress point was worrying me. I also wasn’t sure how it would affect my own work schedule to take on so much of the load of childcare, including daycare drop off and pick up. Because we have an hour (or more) commute from home and daycare, taking this on the majority of the time meant finding ways to reduce my work time during regular hours and make up more time after work.

Discussing all of this, though – just naming it, in fact – really seemed to help me. I also began to write again, and blog here at Hellobee, which was a fantastic outlet for talking about all those parenting things that I seem to think about constantly anyway. When I had an appointment for my annual exam last week, at eight months postpartum, I had an honest conversation with my midwife. I told her I had a big dip about three months ago, but things seem to be improving. She asked me a series of questions to gauge my emotional levels, including asking me when I cried last and to rank how I felt typically on a scale of 1-10. We agreed, after my answers, to continue my self-help measures but check in to see if talk therapy, or, eventually, medication will be needed.

At my doctor’s appointment, I realized I had taken a few steps over time to help me be honest with myself and slowly heal without more defined intervention and therapy. I am not opposed to formal therapy in the future. but I am glad these few things are working this far. I wanted to share them in case anyone else is wondering is this normal? What can I try to feel more like myself- or, at least, this new version of myself? Here’s what I am doing:

• Acknowledge and name it. Just saying out loud to my partner that I was anxious, and feeling disconnected at times from things I loved made me breathe deeper. I felt like I was fighting it alone until I said it out loud.
• In the moments when I feel it, I say it. I have found that sometimes I am irrationally and spontaneously irritated, frustrated, sad or even angry. Usually, these are springing from a deeper anxiety about something – lately, about something related to work, or having some doubt about parenting solo. In those moments, I try hard to find the source and name it. Sometimes my partner helps and asks, “are you maybe feeling anxiety about something? or are you actually just mad that I washed the bottles ‘wrong’?” Usually, I am frustrated because Will is sleeping poorly, Mr. M is about to go on an overnight shift, and I’m tired and anxious about a night alone with the kiddo where I can’t predict how often he’ll wake.
• Write it down. Just putting into words here on Hellobee all of my experiences with William and being a mama has helped me face down some of the demons of doubt, worry and anxiety. Interacting with other parents who commiserate or have been there greatly helps – and I am definitely someone who processes by writing, so I find that if I can sit down when I am most anxious and type, it will help my anxiety dissipate and calm. I often write posts now while Mr. M is working a swing shift or overnight shift, to calm me before heading to bed.
• Listen to others to start the difficult conversations. Mr. M. and I have actually found some great podcasts in the past few months which have been really instrumental in helping us talk about my anxiety, parenting, and our marriage in general. Some of our personal favorites come out of WNYC in New York – The Longest, Shortest Time and Death, Sex and Money. We had a great conversation after listening to this podcast about postpartum anxiety, specifically.
• Take personal time. Mr. M has been great about asking me if I want time to myself, which I sometimes do. Though I don’t often want to take it right away, after I’ve done it I feel so refreshed and recharged. One of my favorites things to do has been going back to PureBarre, which leads to the next thing I’ve done to help.
• Move. Exercise is the beaten horse, but dang if it isn’t actually helpful! It clears the mind, provides needed endorphins and makes me feel, in general, better about myself.
• Do something mindless and routine. When I feel the anxiety begin to rise, I actually love to do something like wash bottles or sweep the floor. The rhythmic motions and self-satisfaction of having accomplished something is soothing to me. It also dissipates the anxiety because I know while I’m doing X, I don’t have to stress about Y.
• Confront the thing that causes anxiety head on, many times, and see that it all works out the end. This one is a bit more in-process, but I’ve found that actually participating in and working through the things I’m most anxious about helps me move past the anxiety. I am a solid three months into solo-parenting 60-70% of the week, handling times I used to share with Mr. M – evening, bedtime, middle of the night wakings – alone. By taking each day at a time, not thinking about tomorrow’s potential struggles, and remembering to find joy in the increased one-on-one time I have with my son – something I greatly miss now that I am working outside the home – helps me be present in the moment and decreases my anxiety. Each night that I manage, on my own, is another night proving to myself that I can do it – and I can enjoy doing it!
• Give myself period check-in dates. I’ve done this from the beginning, actually, and it has helped me contain and manage my feelings. At first, it was “I’ll ask myself how I feel when Will is three weeks old,” then six weeks, then three months. I have another ‘self check-in’ coming up at nine months postpartum, and at that one I’ll have results from blood tests I had done at my check-up on my iron and thyroid levels – which will give me data on whether my emotions are purely mental or physical too!

My biggest takeaway from the past eight months as a mama has been then these periods of anxiety and doubt are felt by all – but they can be all-encompassing too, and rob me of the joy I want to feel with my son. That’s an absolutely non-negotiable for me, and acknowledging that and making a game plan, like above, is helping me manage the anxiety. It is dissipating, and I am no longer as anxious about things I used to be.  ‘m so grateful, but I’m not going to diminish any of the actions just yet. And if it comes to it, I’ll be happy to seek out more professional and medical help if it is needed.

It’s hard to not feel a bit less anxiety when you’ve got a sweet face like this showing concern for you!

One of my favorite resources for postpartum anxiety is here, and has helped me guide my self check-ins.

I’d love to hear others stories of anxiety post-baby, and ways you’ve managed it.  What works for you?