I wrote this post when my son, Little Bug, was three weeks old and I was struggling to deal with his colic, which has now been diagnosed as silent reflux. I was barely functioning at the time and this was so raw. I can say that it has gotten better since then (he’s now 2 1/2 months old), which I will write about.
Ok, so I rescind my earlier statement that life with two is easy. I officially have a colic baby. It started a week ago, just after Little Bug turned two weeks old. He basically cries or grunts/squeals/fusses/screams all day and all night. I am losing my mind. The last two days have been better, and I think it is because he has been on probiotics for a week and they are starting to work a little. I am honestly beside myself at various times throughout the day (and night) because it is so incredibly frustrating. Plus, I am exhausted from lack of sleep and it is killing me a little.
Let me be brutally honest… I am not enjoying my life right now. I love him, I really do, but the constant unhappiness and crying is REALLY hard to deal with. I find myself getting extremely frustrated and even angry with him and that makes me feel like absolute crap. I know it isn’t his fault. I know he is in pain and that is why he is crying. I know that he would be happier if he felt better. ut holy moly, the incessant crying is so incredibly awful. It drains me. My fatigue is overwhelming. The worst part is that I am also having to deal with LeLe and she is a handful at best.
I am trying to be as honest as possible here, so I am going to level with everyone. Life is killing me. I feel like I can’t leave Little Bug with Mr. Cereal to get a break because he gets frustrated with him easily, and even though I know with 100% certainty that he would never do anything to hurt Little Bug, in my postpartum mind, I worry about everything. I actually don’t feel like I can leave him with anyone because I am terrified that they will get frustrated with him and harm him. I’m sure this would never actually happen, but in my mind I am the only person who can take care of him and tolerate his crying. I also think that being the mommy in this situation is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I am trying the best I can and I feel like I am failing most of the time. I want a break. I want to escape for two hours and relax somewhere, but I know I will spend most of that time worrying. It is a brutal catch 22 and I am willing the days and weeks to go faster. I hate wishing away the newborn stage, but I am doing so every single day.
LeLe is being a toddler. Getting into everything. Being whiny and loud and crazy. She is also adjusting and it is hard for her. I think she just realized that Little Bug is not leaving. She has been wanting me to pick her up more and she wants more of my attention. It’s really hard when I can’t give her what she wants because I am feeding Little Bug. I was so worried that she was going to be upset when her little brother came home, but I am quickly realizing that I was actually scared about how I was going to adjust, not her.
I am hoping things will get better. I am hoping that I find ways to make Little Bug happier and less cranky. I really hope when things get better that I can forget what is happening now. I’m trying to do small things that make me happy, like writing here. I have decided to go back to work earlier than I had planned. I think the break of work will be good for me. Plus it will save me some vacation time and that is ideal. I hate leaving either of them, but in this case, I feel like I need to do this in order to save my sanity. Colic is said to last until 3 months and that is a ways off, so I think having the break and the mental stimulation of work will be really good for me and good for both of the kids.
Sorry this is so negative. I looked everywhere on the interwebs to read about other’s experiences with colic and they don’t really seem to exist, so I thought if I were totally honest, it might help other people going through the same thing. I am hoping that I can start doing updates that are a little more positive. Bear with me as I navigate through this. And please feel free to share your advice with me if you have any.