I recently relinquished my leadership position for an infertility support group which I had started with the support of the national infertility association, RESOLVE.

The conclusion of this group spurred me to think about how important support groups were for me in my infertility journey, and I thought I would share some of these thoughts in case anyone reading this knows of friends or family members who are struggling with infertility and may benefit from a support group, or if you are someone who has considered attending a support group but is perhaps scared of the unfamiliarity of the experience.

My experience with support groups was absolutely critical to my emotional state and perseverance throughout my infertility journey. For the first eight months of my infertility experience, which included 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVF transfers, I hadn’t yet discovered support groups. These months were some of the darkest months for me; I felt so alone. When I tried to reach out to friends of family members about infertility, they almost always said the wrong thing (“Just relax and it will happen!” and “Just be happy that you don’t have to deal with a baby and can instead get some sleep!”) and Mr. Starfish hadn’t yet engaged fully in the process and wasn’t able to connect with me on my fears and concerns. After those first eight months, when I hit a level of depression that I had never in my life experienced, I realized that I needed a different kind of support. And that is when I found my first infertility support group, through the RESOLVE website here.

I remember being so scared before I attended that first meeting. The only support group image I had in my mind was of Alcoholic Anonymous meetings that are frequently portrayed on TV and movies, and I imagined myself introducing myself to the group, “Hi, I’m Mrs. Starfish, and I have a defective uterus.” Then everyone would say, “Welcome, Mrs. Starfish” in unison and then of course “And welcome, Mrs. Starfish’s defective uterus.”

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The real experience was nothing like this. The meeting was held in someone’s cozy home and as soon as I walked in the door, I knew immediately that I had made the right decision by attending the meeting. I looked around the room and saw women who looked just like me, and I made my way to a comfortable couch with a mug full of fertility-friendly tea and settled in. The next few hours made me feel so much less alone as I listened to everyone’s stories and shared my own. They talked of the same sadness, the same frustrations, the same nurses and doctors, the same disconnection with family and friends, which I myself was struggling with.

On that day, I met three women who today I consider to be among my very closest friends in Chicago. Over the next two years, we were each other’s support network, we texted about follicle sizes and lining thickness as we progressed through our cycles. We had drinks and dinner, we toasted to small victories as we continued to face roadblock after roadblock. We laughed, we cried, we propped each other up, we supported each other the way that only friends who are experiencing the exact same struggles can possibly support one another.

A couple of weekends ago, those same friends threw me an impromptu baby shower over brunch. We celebrated a huge milestone as I was the last one among the group to finally put her infertility story to bed. Although our journeys in the infertility trenches are now over, we will always have a strong bond. And that strong bond would not have been possible without my first step in that support group meeting.

Because I have been so open and transparent with my infertility struggles, I am frequently approached for advice by women who are starting their own infertility journey. Along with all of my tips on injections and clinics and medications, I always am careful to encourage them to consider attending an in-person support group. Organized support groups are useful, but I’ve found that people are understandably intimidated by the thought of them. If this is the case for you, consider instead joining an infertility yoga class or something similar where you also will meet similar people going through a similar journey. Or consider joining a virtual support group, such as the Inspire boards found here.

If you are struggling with infertility or know someone who is, please know that you are not alone. Infertility can be such a very lonely experience. But it doesn’t have to be. I strongly feel that if you attend a support group, you will see and feel that for yourself.