Hellobee

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can relate in a lot of ways. After having my babies, sex didn’t feel comfortable for awhile and even when it did, I always wore a bra because I was nursing didn’t want any milk leaking (not sexy) and so it was just not like before. Fast forward to weaning our last baby, going to the gym, doing things for myself and things improved in both quantity and quality. I will say that I think you should talk to a counselor of some sort to just help you and your husband communicate and bond in another way until you’re ready to be physical again.

Big hugs. I lost a lot of drive when nursing my second child.

During that time, I focused as much as I could on whatever physical touch I could manage. Sometimes that was holding his hand in the car. Doing play/funny hugs as a family while holding the kids. Any little thing.

My husband and I have a pretty good sex life but the one rule I have is… I do not have sex out of gult. I don’t like guilt sex and he can always tell. My experience with this has been, if I’m not feeling sexy, but am starting to feel like it has been too long, I make a plan to make myself feel sexy. For example I might have my husband watch the kids while I take myself to dinner, etc. Or I go to my therapist to clear my head so I don’t come to him with all my baggage. Or I just go to bed at like 8, chores be damned, so that by the time the issue comes up I feel relaxed and rested. Or if “me time” just isn’t happening, I will at least initiate sex and dictate the whole experience. Without exception my husband is literally fine with doing just about anything if it means I’ll feel sexy as a result. I am going back to work and we have had some extended family drama so I’ve actually been working on this recently.

I will say that sometimes I think for me, having “obligatory” sex was easier before i had kids. I didn’t mind staying up a little later, etc. Nowadays my time is more limited so I can’t waste it. After baby 2 I sort code decided if I had to do it, it had to be for both of us equally. So that has encouraged me to be super up front about what I want sexually. Nowadays I think it was my anxiety about not being assertive, and not the constraints of motherhood, that mostly caused our problems.

First of all, props to you for recognizing and talking about the issue. That is really hard to do and you should be proud for going there.

Have you considered seeing a sex-positive therapist and/or dipping a toe into non-monogamy?

You described “mom-ish” perfectly. Perfectly. Unless I’m really really in the mood (like once a month) sex seems so bizarre to me. I didn’t feel this way after my first but I’ve definitely struggled with it after my second and it’s gotten harder since our third pregnancy and miscarriage. My DH gets really upset and hurt by it too. It’s so hard to explain my deep love for and desire to be near him but also say I’m not interested at all in sex. He really doesn’t get it. You’re not alone
If I have “obligatory” sex I often have to be completely alone after which upsets DH too. He wants to cuddle or talk for a few minutes and I can’t get away fast enough. It’s really hard

@Mrs. Sketchbook: I have problems with assertiveness too. It’s hard for me to put voice to my wants even though I know my DH would enjoy that.

you’re not alone by any stretch, and your post was me a year ago….after my third baby was born…..i just had no interest or desire or any appreciation for intimacy – and i was just spent, emotionally, physically and it was the furthest thing from my mind in any given moment. not to mention, the body issues i was carrying. for me, it did get better – i started to regain my identity as an individual, as #3 started getting more independent, and i had to make a conscious decision to remember what made me fall in love with hubs, which grew into renewed appreciation, which grew back into longing. hoping that it will get better for you as well….for the sake of the health of your relationship…because it does grow into a void and over time may spill into other facets of your marriage.

I’m so sorry to hear this and urge you to read the book “Come As You Are” – it explains why you are perfectly normal just living in a messed-up world and how to change things for more satisfaction. Everyone should read it, it’s brilliant and super reassuring.

@Mrs. Sunshine: I think the trick is to start small, or tell your partner up front that you’re planning to do it. So you can either start with something small and positive (I really like blahblah please do that some more”), or before you get started just be up front: “I’m trying to figure out what I like…if I don’t like something or get bored with it, I’m going to tell you, and if something I do want pops into my head I’m going to tell you and I want you to do it.” That way they aren’t blindsided. When we first started working to improve our sex lives we did something called sensate focus. You can google to find directions, but basically the idea is for 30–45 minutes you touch without attempting orgasm. And the person who is doing the touching takes direction from the person being touched. I was exploring new ways to orgasm and really needed to feel no pressure. My compromise with DH was that I would finish him up afterward. Of course he was fine with that, ha ha. After many months of this approach there was one time we had to have a talk (not during sex) about something I really didn’t like and only wanted to do infrequently, but by the time we had gotten to this point the trust was there and we had experimented a lot so my husband didn’t take it personally. In fact we still do the thing, he just checks in with me to make sure I’m cool with it.

perhaps going away on a trip together? To just be you guys and not mom and dad for a night or two in a relaxing and pretty location. hugs*

This is the norm for SO many of my friends. take a day or weekend for yourselves… Hope things get better. Thank you for your honesty. It’s not talked about enough!

I went through this on some degree too and it put a strain on things for a while. A couple of things that helped us get past it were: talking to my gyn/ob one of my biggest hurdles was my BCP and i tried several, coming off the hormonal stuff was about 50% of the solution alone. Knowing what gets the oven preheated – whether it was taking the time to explore some erotica on my own, telling my hubs the things he could do to set the stage (going to bed earlier esp if it was a week night, making sure to help whittle down the to do list, back rubs) and lastly schedule it: not in a put it on the google calendar every tuesday way but if he tried to make advances and i rebuffed him , the next day i would say tonight/thursday night/etc I promise we’ll do it and talk about it ahead of time to build up the anticipation and excitement, maybe have a favorite thing for dinner/dessert, wear a nicer pair of undies or pjs, change the sheets. so that it becomes something to look forward to.

Have you talked to your doctor or OB about your hormones and thyroid? A simple blood test might reveal an underlying medical issue. Might be worth pursuing if nothing else but to give you more peace about this issue.

I am so relieved you posted this. I have had vulvyodnia and pain issues with sex since before I married my husband. Even after surgery to decrease pain, I still have absolutely zero sex drive at all. I do occasionally have sex but I do it because I feel like I should and I hate it (both sex and the feeling of duty). I think seeing a therapist might help but we haven’t gone. I honestly think just not being married would be easier. I don’t have advice but just wanted you to know you’re not alone

Thank you for your honesty. It’s so eye opening to hear about different experiences and makes me more aware of others struggles. That being said I’m currently pregnant with baby number 3 and sex doesn’t hurt, in fact it’s wonderful, but the aftermath is about 12 hours of pain. Pain bad enough that I can’t stand for long. I find myself feeling sad and guilty, because I miss sex and I miss the closeness it creates.

I would encourage you to have a hormone panel done. There’s a good chance your hormones are totally out of whack from pregnancy and nursing and they play such a huge role in your sex drive. I had a panel done and it was fascinating to see what was high and low, what needed adjusting and how I felt after doing so. Medications like antidepressants suppress your sex drive (when I got off mine my drive skyrocketed). It would be worth doing some digging.

There have been so many seasons of my life where “just do it” seems like the answer but it is frustrating. But the more I’ve come to understand my husband and the more we’ve talked about our sex life, I’ve begun to realize how significant sex is for him. Not just the physical, but emotional and mental. Having sex could change his day, his crummy week, it could make him feel like he can conquer anhtbing. It makes him way to be my champion. And I love him for all of that. I don’t have sex with him to make him feel those things or do things for me, but out of love. And often when I don’t feel it, when I act out of selfless love, the feelings follow. Your marriage and sex life are worth fighting for. All the best to you both.

Are you on hormonal birth control? The symptoms you’re describing sound similar to those I experienced for several years while on hormonal birth control – which I would describe as a complete loss of libido. But were more complex than simply desire and even included not wanting to be touched at all by anyone including my partner (i.e. Hugging). Which I experienced long before I was ever pregnant or caring for a child. It improved slowly over several months when I went off hormonal birth control, which I specifically chose to do due to these symptoms. (For me I experienced this issue with any birth control containing progesterone)

Thank you so much for this post! It’s brave of you to share and such an important topic. There’s so much guilt and anxiety that gets built up around mismatched libidos and not having sex. Anxiety and guilt are huge libido killers, so it can become a really frustrating cycle. Obligatory sex is perfectly fine for some people, but if it doesn’t feel ok to you, I think that’s really important to listen to.

After our first son was born, I was also absolutely disinterested in sex. My husband’s “dad switch” can turn off. My “mom switch” can’t turn off, particularly not with an infant, so I always felt like I was in mommy-mode. Sexual desire isn’t possible in mommy-mode! We eventually arrived at a sort of compromise that worked for us. (Emphasis on “for us,” I’m not at all suggesting this would work for everyone.) We alternated on whose “turn” it was to receive their chosen type of gratification. On my husband’s night, I’d provide him sexual gratification that didn’t require my libido (i.e., for me that was manual stimulation with very little touching of my body. Any other form of sexual interaction didn’t feel ok for me). On my nights, my husband would give me a 15-20 minute back massage, which I absolutely love. We were both able to get our needs met, and I was able to stay true to myself by not having my body touched sexually. And eventually, the back massages relaxed me enough that I was able to get in the mood for sex, which was an added bonus (but never an expectation on my husband’s part).

If nothing else, a good couples therapist can be super helpful. Hang in there! This isn’t your fault, You are doing nothing wrong. This is so normal and so difficult!

A friend once told me that the way she gets herself to work out is to tell herself that she only has to give it five minutes. If once she is on the treadmill for five minutes, she still wants to not exercise, then she gets off and she’s done. But that so much if it is the getting going – getting the motivation to get workout clothes and shoes on and get moving. After that, it feels good to exercise and usually after five minutes she will keep going for a half hour. It’s silly but I apply this same logic to sex sometimes. If I’m not sure if I’m up for it or not, maybe my husband will give me a little massage or we can cuddle and kiss for a bit, and usually I don’t mind if it turns into more. But if not, that’s ok too. It seems to take some of the self induce pressure off. Now we laugh about it cause I will tell my husband “let’s go to the gym” as our code for “maybe I want to get physical and maybe not, but I want to see.”

This happened to me after having LO. I had no sexual desire, plus I had no time to myself and was touched out from nursing all the time. When LO was napping on the weekend, if DH tried to initiate sex I would think, “Please leave me alone, this is my only break!”

When DH took over bedtime (and I got my evenings back), I became way less resentful of losing that break time when DH was home.

I also found out recently that there are two kinds of sexual desire: one that arises spontaneously and causes you to want to initiate sex, and one that arises only after you are engaged in sexual behavior. After I read about this, I started trying harder to throw myself into sex even when I didn’t feel like it, and IT WORKED! Once I realized that I would enjoy it once we got started, we’ve been having a lot more sex.

Both before kids and without kids if I went too long without sex then I really didn’t have an interest in doing it. I wasn’t opposed to the idea I just didn’t feel it so didn’t want to make the effort.

After I gave birth I will say that it took a good year and half to get into any type of regular rhythm because we were both exhausted. We had just adopted our older child 6 months prior to me giving birth so it was an immediate family of 2 year old and new born, and that new born didn’t latch so I couldn’t breastfeed (I pumped and supplemented with formula) and he didn’t sleep through the night until he was 15 months old. Once we started to dig out from the exhaustion things got better for us.

But if my DH was really into it and he made the right moves, he knows what I like I would just roll with it because I like having sex with him and once things got going I was glad I went along for the ride. And it also upped my libido, and for me it is kind of a use it or lose it situation. So there are times when I am thinking gee when was the last time and if I have trouble remembering I do tend to make the effort to “just do it” because I know by the time “it” is done I will have had a fantastic time.

Those kids are now 4 and 6…..getting here was very hard at times. I hope that Anonymous finds the groove that works for her and that she realizes that she is not alone.