Shortly after Big P turned 2, he started to hit. He didn’t do it very often and it seemed to come in random streaks – there would be 1-2 week stretches (sometimes longer) where he would impulsively hit when he was angry or overwhelmed, and then it would stop. I’ve never understood why he hits – I grew up in a family of girls and he’s our first child, so it’s hard to know whether I am clueless because I am a new parent, because Big P is a boy, because parenting is really freaking hard, whether he was just going through a phase or was simply a more spirited child than those of my peers.

A few months after turning 3, however, he started hitting more frequently and it hasn’t stopped. He’s also started acting out at preschool, which he had never done before. Nothing we’ve done to try and stop this behavior seems to be working and it has become increasingly clear this behavior is not a side effect of the terrible 2’s or being a “threenager.” After months of (ineffectively) dealing with this issue, I realized we needed a do-over.

Earlier this week I started reading a ton of articles and books about impulsive hitting and aggressive behavior in toddlers. Mr. Peas doesn’t love reading books, so I took the information I found and compiled it into a Google document that I printed out and gave to Mr. Peas and our nanny to read. I thought it may be helpful to share what I’ve found with this community (much of the below advice came from the Hand in Hand Parenting website which I’ve found extremely helpful).

– Your child needs to feel safe and connected. Your child needs to feel safe and connected to you just like he needs food, water, and sleep. A child who feels safe and connected generally has good judgment and is a good problem solver. But your child’s sense of safety and connection is fragile. You may not even realize it has been broken, and you don’t necessarily need to understand why or when. And you should never blame your child when it happens (or yourself for that matter). Instead,recognize your child may feel afraid for whatever reason and needs your help to increase his sense of safety and connection with you.

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– Your child may impulsively hit when he doesn’t feel safe or connected. When your child’s sense of safety and connection is broken, the situation is painful to him just like when he gets a physical injury, except the pain is not as immediate and apparent. He may withdraw. He may act out. Instead of crying or asking for help, he may lash out by hitting as a way to manage his fear when he’s tense.

– The best long-term thing you can do to help your impulsive hitter is to increase his sense of safety and connection with you. Find ways to connect with your child more often and more fully. Simple things like eye contact, gentle touch, undivided attention, affection, and encouraging words can go a long way. Listen to your child. Augment these strategies with one-on-one time and child-led play. The end goal is to create an environment where your child feels safe to share his feelings and he knows you will watch over him and keep him safe. Your child may also benefit from daily exercise and playful, physical contact with you, especially if you allow your child to take the lead and overpower you. Physical play may also give your child a safe place to unpack his fears in a more workable way (i.e., crying or having a tantrum instead of hitting; believe it or not, tantrums are not the enemy – they can be a safe way for your child to express his emotions and begin the healing process for the feelings he carries, which may be the same feelings that cause him to hit).

– The best short-term thing you can do to help your impulsive hitter is to do everything you can to prevent him from hitting. Before social situations, set gentle but firm expectations about your expectations for play (“We’re going to take turns. Hands are only for gentle touching!”). During play, stay close to your impulsive hitter. Watch for signs of increasing tension or fear. Your child will often give you signals that his negative feelings are bubbling up. If you recognize these signs, move closer. Do not, however, try to prevent hitting by saying things like, “You’re fine” or “You don’t need to get upset about this!” The upset is already inside your child. There are no words that can make that go away. At this point your goal is to make sure his behavior doesn’t hurt anyone. If you catch your child ready to hit, be his coach (“You’re feeling so frustrated right now!”). Intervene verbally (“No hitting. Hitting hurts!”) Provide an outlet for his impulse, such as putting his hands on his head or clapping his hands. Intervene physically – hold his hands or wrap your arm(s) around his midsection. Keep in mind you are not forbidding play. You are simply ensuring safety. If he cries, stay positive, listen, and care, no matter how big or irrational his feelings may seem. No matter what, let him know he’s safe with you and you are glad to be with him. Once he has calmed down, consider letting him re-engage in play. Don’t tell him he’s a bad friend/ brother/ kid.

– If, however, he hits, respond consistently and appropriately. Empathize with both children, recognizing both your child’s frustration and the other child’s hurt. Avoid insincere gestures (like forced apologies) and language that emphasizes the undesired behavior and may tempt him to hit again (“We’re leaving because you hit!”) Hold your child firmly and rock or sing to him if he’s crying or trying to get away. After he has calmed down, decide whether to continue playing (with increased supervision) or to leave. If you do leave, use language that reinforces your expectations of your child (“We need to have gentle hands with our friends. You feel frustrated and your hands are not gentle right now. We will play again a different day.”) Always stay near an impulsive hitter and respond consistently to every incident.

.  .  .  .  .

When I thought about Big P through this framework, a lot of light bulbs flashed in my head. His hitting started after we moved to a new state and a new house and added a new little brother to the family. Although on the surface he seemed to handle all those changes well, the cumulative effect of all of that change understandably may have fractured his sense of safety and connection. On top of all that, shortly after moving, Mr. Peas was asked to take a new position at work that required him to travel extensively (3-4 days each week for months increasing to 5 days a week and finally to being completely gone most of the summer). During that time, Big P and I spent a LOT of time together. Having Mr. Peas home the past few months has been wonderful, but, in our eagerness for Big P to reconnect with his Dad, I’ve spent less time with Big P. I’ve also worked longer hours at work since now I can ask Mr. Peas to stay longer in the morning or relieve the nanny at the end of the day. And I have another adult to talk to when I get home after work, which probably means I am not spending as much time talking and listening to Big P. Finally, Big P also started preschool a few months (right when Mr. Peas came back and his hitting started to increase), and he’s now the youngest kid in a big class where he’s expected to go potty, sit quietly, and follow a lot of classroom rules. That’s a lot for any kid, even our normally cheerful, self-confident Big P.

After digesting all this information, I had the chance to work through some of these strategies with Big P earlier this week. One day I got stuck at work and ended up not getting home until close to bedtime. The little Peas had their Dad, but Big P was clearly upset about my absence when I finally rushed through the door around 7 PM. He’d also had a bad day at school “pushing kids down” (his words) and continued that aggressive behavior at home that afternoon with his brother. That night as we lay in bed together, I intentionally did not talk about the hitting and pushing and instead asked him about school. After some prodding, Big P said something like “I want to go to bibbe school instead of my school.” I had no clue what bibbe school was, so I kept asking questions. He was clearly frustrated at my lack of understanding, but we worked our way through the mystery. Finally he told me this mysterious bibbe school was close to his preschool but not at his preschool and a huge light bulb flashed in my head — he was asking to go back to Vacation Bible School, which he went to WITH ME. He was missing being with me.

My parents were in town during Vacation Bible School week (which was offered by the church that runs his preschool but due to construction was actually held at a different church hence the very insightful “close to his preschool but not at his school” comment; duh Mom), so I offered to help out at VBS while my parents watched Little P at home. Every day after work I picked up Big P and off we went to VBS, where we ate dinner, sang, played games, and did crafts together. It was a lot of fun and so nice to have that time with Big P. I am not sure what to do with Big P’s request to go back to bibbe school since I can’t go to preschool with him or quit my job or ignore Little P, but just knowing how he feels and that he feels safe enough to share his feelings seems like a breakthrough.

This morning Big P had to go to the doctor to get a flu shot, and I couldn’t take him due to a work conflict. About an hour before I had to leave for work, I sat down and told him he was going to the doctor to get a shot to help him stay healthy this winter. We role played (I made sure he was the doctor and I was the patient so he got to overpower me … in case you’re wondering I got about 15 flu shots jabbed in my eyes, nose, and mouth). As I was about to leave, he tensed up. Instead of hitting or lashing out though he simply looked at me and told me he was scared. We hugged, I listened, he cried, and then his body visibly relaxed.

He went to the doctor with Mr. Peas, who reports he didn’t cry or flinch, said thank you to the nurse and gave her a fist bump, and happily accepted Dad’s offer to get him a chocolate milk and coffee cake from Caribou afterwards. I know we have work to do to help Big P through this hitting stage, but today, for the first time in awhile, that work seems do-able.

Have you struggled with your kids hitting? What strategies have you used to help your hitters or deal with other problematic behavior? I just started reading this book and am hopeful it helps me in this journey to better understand why my kids behave the way they do.