Hellobee

It is safe to say that I fell in love with Mr. Starfish all over again when he became a father over the past year. He is an amazing dad and I adore watching him interact with the girls. I always thought that he would be a great dad and it touches my heart to see him step up to the plate and he has exceeded all of my expectations. The girls are truly lucky to have such a remarkable father in their lives.

Mr. Starfish with Lilly and with Audrey.

One of the most interesting things to me as we’ve become parents this year is to observe how differently we parent. While I feel that we are aligned for the most part, there are definitely differences in our everyday approaches. While some of the differences may be tied to our respective gender roles as mommy and daddy, I think that more is tied to our differences in personality.

I actually started noticing the differences while I was still pregnant. I am admittedly a type-A worrywart. I like to be as prepared as possible for new life experiences and this included parenthood. I had a stack of books piled high on my nightstand when I was pregnant and I aimed to at least skim most of them before the babies arrived. These included books on my pregnancy, baby swaddling and soothing, baby sleep, basic baby care, which products to buy, how to breastfeed, and parenting multiples. One of the worst fights that Mr. Starfish and I got into during my pregnancy was when he kept stalling on reading some of the books that I thought were critical. I was about 8 months pregnant and I could not believe that he hadn’t read some book on baby sleep. I became furious with him and while I did not throw my stack of books in his direction, I certainly wanted to!

Once I calmed down, I realized that Mr. Starfish has never prepared for life experiences through books. For instance, in our childless past, I would spend weeks reading through travel guides before we went on vacations. He would do precisely no reading. And you know what? We still had a great time on our vacations! While I would know which museum we should go to and how to tackle the lines, he would force me to pull my head up out of my guidebook and sit down for a gelato and some simple people-watching. With this realization, I accepted the fact that Mr. Starfish would be a pretty good parenting partner despite his hesitation to read books. And as you would expect, once our first baby arrived, he was a natural and it was in fact him who taught me how to change that first diaper and administer that first feeding. Life is funny.

As we’ve emerged out of the pregnancy and the newborn stage, the differences have only continued. We have an agreement on the weekends that we alternate the early-morning shift with the girls. So on Saturday mornings, I wake up with them at 6:30AM and he gets to sleep as late as he wants; and vice-versa on Sunday mornings.

The most interesting thing about these different shifts is how we approach them. On my Saturday mornings with the girls, we wake up and I change diapers as I recite their alphabet songs and stories, then we go downstairs to eat breakfast. I put them down for some independent play while I have a cup of coffee. Then we proceed to story time, where I am very particular about the stories that we read, and then we do songs (where again, I am very particular). Usually around this time Mr. Starfish appears and the girls pivot from concentration on their stories and songs to unabashed delight and giggles at just the sight of him.

Typical Saturday morning stories with Mom.

In contrast, on Mr. Starfish’s Sunday mornings with the girls, they wake up and he changes their diapers. After a change, he usually throws them up in the air a couple of times. After breakfast, he has a cup of coffee while they engage in independent play. Then there is no schedule… just play! He is generally much more physical with them, often throwing them in the air or holding them on his chest to study a toy together. He encourages them to pull all of their toys out of their basket, and he also encourages them to play with everything. Usually around this time I appear and at least one of the girls is missing a sock or other article of clothing, and both typically have food caked onto their faces from breakfast. The girls pivot from unrestricted playtime to being moved to their seats for storytime (and I contend that they look pretty happy about that change too – they love stories and songs with mom!).

Typical Sunday playtime with Dad.

Mr. Starfish also generally encourages a lot of risk-taking with the girls where I am more cautious. For instance, we started swim classes this past weekend and he held Audrey throughout her lesson while I held Lilly throughout her lesson. One of the activities was a “waterfall” basket where the instructor wanted us to get the babies comfortable with water falling on top of their heads. When the instructor asked me how much water to dump on Lilly’s head, I hesitated; I wasn’t sure she was ready for all that water on her head. But Mr. Starfish interjected and told the instructor to “go all in!” And of course, Lilly loved it. She didn’t cry at all and instead squealed in delight. I also noticed that Mr. Starfish zoomed around the pool with Audrey in a different exercise and she was so happy she could barely contain herself. Meanwhile, in the same exercise, I was very gingerly moving Lilly around the water and watching her face closely to check her comfort level. I also about had a heart attack during a break in the lesson when Mr. Starfish decided it would be fun to balance Audrey in only his hand and lift her out of the water. When he did indeed almost drop her and I almost screamed, I exchanged a look with one of the moms that made me feel as though she understood my reaction!

There are many other differences as well, including our approaches to feedings and how to handle Lilly when she refuses to eat. And it is clear that more differences will appear as time goes on. For now, I feel that Mr. Starfish and I are making a pretty good team. The fact is that there are times when my books have useful information and it’s usually me that is knowledgeable about an upcoming phase or the need to introduce a new skill through practice. I also believe that babies thrive on schedule and routine and this is a good influence on my part.

But I also acknowledge the need to take a moment, step back and enjoy these times and that is where Mr. Starfish helps me so much. One of my absolute favorite memories of the past year was when Mr. Starfish encouraged me to pick up a baby and he picked up the other and we danced together around our living room. The girls were giggling, Mr. Starfish looked at me with love and happiness, and my heart soared. That moment was not in our schedule, and probably the girls had just been fed and “shouldn’t” be spinning around. But it was nonetheless an absolutely perfect moment.