May is always a hard month in my family. Each year that passes it stings a little differently, some years harder than others, but this year has a new layer.
When I was 19 my older brother was killed in a plane crash. His death forever changed me and shaped the person I am today. His absence in my life has played different roles over the years, and the times it has stung the most were during the biggest milestones in my life. Graduating university, working through a horrible break-up, travelling across Europe, meeting my husband, our wedding day, finding out I was pregnant, and having our son. There are of course the regular everyday days that rock your world and you don’t feel like getting out of bed, or the moments that take you by surprise. But the big moments are always sharper, always with a pain and heaviness in your heart.
As we approach this anniversary, it’s a big one. Ten years. An entire decade. Over a third of my life. And, this year, I have a son. A son that shares my brother’s name for his middle name. When he moves his head in just the right way, I see my brother. They share some of the same little expressions.
When we were pregnant, I would think about the idea of us having a boy and it always made me think of my brother. I thought about the feeling of having a son after what my parents experienced losing theirs. I thought about what it would be like for my parents watching a boy growing up again. I thought about what it may eventually feel like if we had two children, watching a sibling relationship blossom. A boy was both exciting and a little scary to imagine.
And so, a son was born. It’s a beautiful thing really, but there can be some heavy emotions as times to process.
I think about the missed opportunities. The uncle relationship that would have been. Wondering where he may be in life now. Would my son have cousins from my brother? Would we have watched our children grow together? Would my husband and him be the best of friends? How different would life be?
Grief is weird. It strikes at weird moments. It can shape an entire month year after year. The missed opportunities sometimes hurt more than missing that person, especially after they have been gone so long. You don’t know them anymore, and your ache is from wondering what it would be like now. The more time passes the harder it is to imagine what he would be like. My 22-year-old brother would surely be a very different person than a 32-year-old version of himself. So you play the wondering and guessing game. One day he is a pilot living in Europe and you have fun FaceTime dates with your families. Another day he is living only a few hours away, still unsettled and living the single life in the city, coming home on weekends to be the fun Uncle. Maybe he would be working for a big airline and we’d all get to travel on fun vacations for a fraction of the cost.
Grief leaves you with memories, your imagination and an absent space in your heart.
Have you lost someone important in your life? How did your grief change when you had children?
pea / 9 posts
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my grandfather while I was pregnant with my first born, only a few weeks after we had found out we were having a boy and had shared with the family that he was being given my grandfathers name. It hurt like hell when he passed, and when my son was born because I kept thinking of the relationship that could have been, that should have been. It gets a little easier each year but it also breaks my heart that these two important guys in my life will never get to meet.
guest
I could have written this post and it is really well written. My sister passed away when she was 16 and I was 18. I’ve now been alive longer without her than with her. I have a daughter who shares who name has her middle name. It is so tough to think about what that aunt/niece and nephew relationship would have looked like and I can’t imagine the emotions my parents have with it on milestones. It is really hard and I agree the perspective changed a lot when I had kids of my own. I have no advice but just wanted to let you know that it was a beautifully written post!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I am so sorry for your loss. You beautifully expressed the grief that comes with losing someone so close. My dad passed away when I was 16, and it forever changed and shaped me too. The milestones are hard. I wish he could’ve walked me down the aisle, I cry at every father-daughter dance of every wedding, I wish he could’ve lived to be a grandfather because he would’ve made a great and fun one. I wish my children could’ve known one of the most significant men in my life.
Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart. Loved this post.
coconut / 8279 posts
Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry for your loss.
blogger / apricot / 389 posts
@DaisyDreamer: It’s so true, it’s such a missed opportunity. Hugs to you.
@Christine – Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry for the loss of your sister – things happened at a similar age, such a young space of your mind, and such formative years!
@Mrs. High Heels: Thank you so much. I can only imagine how difficult it has been with his absence. I am sorry for your loss as well
@rachiecakes: wow, 20 years is a big one. The milestone years aways are an extra gut punch.
cherry / 226 posts
Grief and loss definently changes when you have kids! Lost both mother and father in law. It’s extremely hard for my husband. At the same time I feel my kids would be different if they had their grandparents in their lives. But we keep memories alive and be happy for the time we have together, here and now.