Hellobee

My oldest turned 3 years old recently and it has me reflecting a lot on my parenting journey thus far. I feel like I’ve been a mother forever. Sure, I can remember a time when I was not a parent, but becoming a mother has been such a wonderful and comfortable piece of my life that it feels like it’s always been a part of my story. As I look at my adorable son, my very tall, sweet, and curiously clever little boy, I feel that familiar pang in my gut of knowing he is growing way too fast and that I have zero control over it.

When I start to get emotional thinking about Crumb, all these thoughts come rushing over me at once.  Did I miss out on his first few years because I had another child too soon? What will he do with his life when he is older? What if he has trouble making friends? What if he decides to never fully potty-train (this one is supposed to be lighthearted but also ARGH!)?? Some days Crumb is more cuddly than ever and some days I swear he is off to high school. The cascade of thoughts is a slippery slope because there is always something to worry or obsess about with children. I can vividly picture the moment I first met Crumb as they placed him on my chest. I was filled with relief, exhaustion, concern, and most of all indescribable joy. I’ve discovered that parenting is basically all of those emotions all of the time.

Every comment and variation of “they grow too fast” that a seasoned parent tells you is true. They are right, they have lived it, they have watched their babies grow up, and they’ve seen firsthand how a whole childhood can go by in the blink of an eye. But what can we do about it? How can we slow down time? How do we take deep breaths when we want to yell? How do we savor every second when we’re so tired we can barely move? How do we remember to think big picture when the difficult phases seem to drag on forever? Thankfully we parents grow and mature as our kids grow and mature. My mom has told me that the reason teenagers are crazy difficult is so their parents are ready for them to leave the nest and fly off on their own when the time comes.

I’m pretty sure the nostalgic feelings never go away but hopefully I can get better at coping with them. Birthdays and other milestones just make me so emotional. I’m struggling with how much I love my babies when they are young and wanting them to stay that way forever, versus how much more fun and independent they become as they get older. I constantly think about having a third child and starting over again but I can’t tell you guys how nice it is to have a bit more freedom. I had an audition and a call back for a professional theater company recently and while I didn’t get cast, I had the BEST time at that call back. I’m starting to explore the balance between parenting and personal time and it’s been really nice.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that as a parent to young children I am the most exhausted/worried I’ve ever been in my life but I’m also the most happy and content I’ve ever been too. I have been able to truly enjoy so many moments instead of continually looking ahead to the next exciting thing. Children keep you in the present and I am so grateful for that gift. The other day I called Mr. Cookie at 3 PM and asked if he had any meetings. He said no, so I asked him to come home a little early to go get ice cream with the boys and me. We had this short, simple family afternoon date at the local Dairy Queen on a 90 degree day and it was lovely. I want to be more spontaneous like that. I want to say yes to my kids more than I say yes to my chores. I want to go on adventures, make mistakes, and try new things. I want to plan and take inexpensive staycations, and not worry about photographing every second of them. And if it’s possible, I want to hug and kiss my kids even more than I already do because it’s true, they grow up so. darn. fast.