So I had this elaborate and typical Mrs. Cookie intro paragraph written out but I’ve decided to not use it. I’m just going to cut to the chase and be real with you guys. I’m mean to my husband sometimes for no good reason. There, I said it. I remember the first time I admitted this to my new mama class after having Crumb and everyone else in the room just chuckled nervously and then stared at me and I felt like the worst person ever. How come no one chimed in to say, “ME TOO!!” I refuse to believe I’m the only person who gets mad at their spouse for no reason. Yet, it feels so taboo to admit to it. Those first few months of motherhood and fatherhood were really tough on our marriage. We had to figure out how to communicate on less sleep and under more stress. But we made it through and our marriage is definitely stronger now. We are on the same page regarding raising our children and we are a team at all times.
But parenting is always full of new struggles and stressors (potty training, I’m looking at you!), and when it’s that time of the month or my kids are driving me especially crazy, I still take things out on my hubby once in a while. I’m a passionate person and I experience both joy and anger intensely. I also grew up seeing that disagreeing was a healthy part of marriage. While my husband would prefer I kept some things to myself, I am a big fan of communication. In my mind, fighting about dumb things is infinitely better than fighting about your values and goals. Mr. Cookie and I completely agree on the ideals that are most important in life and for that I’m very grateful.
Photo by Annie Wiegers Photography
Back to our stupid fight. Personally, I find when a blogger shares something juicy in a really vague way, I’m always left wondering, what is an example of that? I want to know more! So I’m going to share just one example of me being an idiot with you guys, and who knows, maybe one of you can relate to it? (Please tell me I’m not alone.) Recently, I got irrationally angry because Mr. Cookie came home from work slightly later than we’d anticipated and because of that he had no time to mow the lawn before we were going to an outdoor concert with the boys and my parents. It was a Friday (which is always my burnt out day), and I had assumed the mowing would be done before our weekend started. My frustration turned into an argument of comparison about who is with the kids more because all I could think of was how much I needed a break and how Mr. Cookie was going to escape to the backyard to mow on Saturday, all by himself. His point, and a very valid one, is that mowing is not a relaxing escape, it’s just different work! And if I didn’t hate mowing so much, I could do that and he’d watch the kids gladly. This all led to an argument about who’s life is more exhausting and of course we reached the obvious conclusion that our lives are both difficult at times but one is not more difficult than the other.
I actually believe Mr. Cookie and I do a great job of parenting together and splitting household duties. I’d say we are a bit more traditional in that I care for the children, do the meal planning, grocery shopping, and other kid related things. Mr. Cookie provides monetarily for the household, he does all the yard work, and takes care of our bills and finances. With one work-out-of-the-home parent and one stay-at-home parent, the weekends are a bit tough for us to manage. We want to spend time together as a family of four but for my sanity, I need to have a couple hours break from the 24/7 childcare that is my life. I don’t need a ton of time to recharge, but I do need some. On the other hand, Mr. Cookie is working two jobs, one as a software engineer outside of the home and one as a father inside the home. What about his time away? He should get breaks too, and he does, but not as often, mostly because he prefers to stay home on the weekends. The one thing we don’t get to do enough is get out of the house just the two of us, but that is normal for this season of life. Thank goodness for the early bedtime because at least we can have our evenings to connect and recharge.
In conclusion, I wish I could be a wonderful, happy, and patient wife and mother all of the time but I am far from perfect. I yell, I pick fights, and I make mistakes. I especially hate playing the comparison game with my husband. Just like I have to remember that someone’s Facebook or Instagram life is not their real life, I need to remember that there is nothing to gain in keeping score with my partner. We both give 100% to our little family and all of our contributions are valuable.
OK, who else is guilty of this comparison game? Come, let’s commiserate.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Oh I am sooo guilty of comparing!! I am not a big complainer; but I get really worked up when I suck it up and do what needs done, but when DH complains about a small thing, then I’m like she-hulk “are you kidding me!!!!” lol! But I def realize comparing is just a useless downward spiral; our jobs are different, our stress are different and I too believe that we’re a pretty good team in tackling different things and we both step up when emergencies arise, but I def can’t help it sometimes
guest
I can definitely relate to your entire post – I have so much respect for you for writing it and assuring me that I’m not the only one out there that does it!
guest
Oooo….pick me! I have been guilty of the jealousy of mowing the yard, too. Seriously…I hate mowing the lawn. And even if I did now the lawn I would be wondering what I was missing inside with the kids, and if they were getting enough water to avoid constipation, and what was for lunch, and then I’d come in and make lunch, too. So really. The other comparison game I play is getting up in the night to feed the baby. I mean-I excuslively breastfeed so that’s always a loosing argument. Can’t have everything. The only thing that ever pulls me out is the rationalization that sometimes life is harder for me and sometimes it’s more work for the hubs. Yet, we have each other; there is always someone in my corner.
persimmon / 1479 posts
I am so guilty of comparing! That’s how a lot of our fights start.
guest
ME TOO!! I get mad at my husband for stupid things too. And then I get super frustrated with myself that I got that way.
guest
I never comment on things but I absolutely had to come tell you that you aren’t alone! I have the same problem…if I admit I get a bit crazy at times, everyone else looks at me like maybe there’s something wrong with me. Nope! Just trying to preserve/grow my identity now that I’m a SAHM. My husband and I are best friends, excellent supporters, and human beings who have irrational arguments over lawn mowing as unfair “me” time. It’s a part of our crazy new family life…maybe not the most fun, but certainly normal and well worth it to keep our beautiful relationship and life afloat. Good for you and thanks for being brave enough to share!
pear / 1622 posts
This happens with me and DH too. Saturday was a very long day for both us – me helping my parents out with medical issues and DH at home with our boys one of whom is sick. After he put our eldest to bed he picked on me about using the oven to cook my dinner – I am making the whole house heat up/not being energy efficient. Why can’t I just have cereal he asked. I called him out on it – he’s picking because he’s tired, it’s been a long day. It was annoying for an hour or two but luckily we were able to move on before going to bed.
pomelo / 5084 posts
All the time. Same arguments as you. DW says the same as your husband – ok, I will watch DS and YOU go grocery shopping/cook/edge the yard/call the repairman. Sigh. It’s especially bad when DS has to come home from daycare sick (like today) and we go around and around in circles about whose job is more important and who has to stay home with him! I think it’s just this season of life.
blogger / apricot / 439 posts
Oh my gosh, I am definitely guilty of this as well! You are not alone, and I am loving this honest post!
pear / 1521 posts
Oh man, I do the same thing when I reach the end of my rope. We’ve had a few bad arguments about who does more and I always get more mad during the fight bc my husband gets SO OFFENDED. In the moment I just want him to admit I do a lot and maybe more than him at that particiLar time. However, later I always realize I was picking the fight and that I know it all ebbs and flows.
We fight too over the lawn mowing, in our instance bc my DH doesn’t mow it enough and it pisses me off that he can push off his task but my tasks are rarely able to be completed later. This feeling has subsided lately bc I chose to just get over having a bad looking lawn and also I’m super sick in my first tri and he is picking up ALL sorts of slack.
Anyway I totally commiserate. This is the worst quality about myself, I take things out on the people that love me most.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
Right here with you! Kudos to you for writing such an open post, those are really hard, especially when you’ve been burned by those awkward glances in the past.
apricot / 364 posts
Raises hand. Mine is that I’m a bit particular….about everything and he’s pretty normal. So obviously it’s annoying when he doesn’t do tasks up to my very particular standard or doesn’t think wiping baseboards is a high priority task. As you can tell, I realize it’s ridiculous but doesn’t always stop my nitpicking about them, which is obviously a hugely attractive quality.
persimmon / 1281 posts
Me me me! I totally do this. Particularly when my husband has to work late. I’m REALLY trying to think about my real reason for being mad before I react. It’s helped me identify what exactly is going on and react a bit differently. Ex- when I get the text that he is working late I realize I’m upset because I miss him, want to spend time together and I need help with our kid/a break from being 100% parent (SAHM). So instead of being short and rude I tell him how bummed I am which results in a much nicer exchange then would be otherwise!!! It’s tough though. Parenting takes so much out of us, it’s hard to remember all the reasons you love your spouse when you’re in the thick of it.
nectarine / 2210 posts
You definitely aren’t alone in this, at all!
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@snowjewelz: Thank you, it’s so nice to hear this happens with other couples too!
@Marissa: Thanks so much!
@Tiffany: That is soo good to remember, sometimes it’s harder for him, sometimes it’s harder for me. Glad I’m not alone in the mowing the lawn struggle!
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@winter_wonder: @Maryanne: Thanks for the commiseration!!
@Britishelle: Thank you so much for commenting. I was nervous about posting this and it’s so nice to know that other SAHM’s just get it.
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@autumnleaves: Yes, it’s so easy to pick on your spouse when you are over-tired, something my husband and I do as well!
@wrkbrk: Totally agree, this season of life with little ones is tough. Glad you can relate!!
@Mrs. Starfish: Thanks girl!
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@petitenoisette: Yes, I do that too with my closest family! And I agree, it’s better to just let some things go but it’s so hard sometimes!
@Mrs. Carrot: Yes! I was really nervous about posting this one. I didn’t know how it would come across. Thanks for your comment.
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@hilary: Lol, I’m the same. So particular. Yet I don’t want to do everything in the house by myself so I’m trying to let him do things his way too.
@Portboston: This is great advice. Thank you!!
@Miss Ariel: Glad to hear this!
blogger / clementine / 985 posts
ME. And then Mac Daddy tells me that nobody else does it.