I am so thankful for the start of a new month. The cycle of emotions that I have been experiencing every month lately has been fairly consistent, but March was especially difficult for me. March was the month that our baby I miscarried was due. The reminder on my calendar made sure that I didn’t forget the EDD.
The loss was the hardest the first month after the miscarriage but it’s gotten much easier for me. The girls remind me every so often about the baby and how they wish the baby didn’t die, but I’m thankful that it was a real part of their lives. There are moments when I allow myself to remember the day of the miscarriage, and the horror of the moment when I lost the baby becomes very fresh in my mind.
When the due date approached, I thought a lot about how the baby would have fit into our family at this moment in time. I pictured Lil’ Pizza reading all day to the baby and Baby Pizza (who is most definitely no longer a baby) singing and dancing around the baby. I pictured the chaos of driving all three kids to Lil’ Pizza’s preschool and the days all blurring together and it was all beautiful.
Lately, I’m less consumed about the loss and now more emotional about the desire to get pregnant. March was especially difficult because I had envisioned myself already pregnant again by this point. We TTC as soon as my doctor gave us the green light (which was after the first period after the miscarriage). My last three pregnancies happened fairly quickly while we were simply “open to getting pregnant”. It’s very different for me this time around as I long to get pregnant and find myself discouraged every month when I get my period.
Every month is a roller coaster ride of emotions. I start off feeling hopeful as the days lead up to when I should be ovulating to then feeling anxious the rest of the month until I find out whether I am pregnant or not. I become ultra sensitive to how my body is feeling, hoping that my tiredness or nauseousness might be early signs of pregnancy and not because I am dreading disappointment. Then, when I get my period, I am very discouraged and it’s a bit of heartbreak every month. And then, the emotional cycle repeats itself.
Sometimes, I am surprised at how intense these feelings can get because I know my struggle with getting pregnant has not been for that long. Yet, I recognize these emotions are real and consuming as we try to grow our family. As I enter a new month, I am trying to find ways to make this journey less overwhelming. This month, I am going to try to meditate more on Bible verses that I find encouraging and hopeful.
For those who struggled with or are struggling with getting pregnant, what are some useful tips to help you through each month? I remember as a struggling first-time mom, thinking how incredibly strong and amazing all moms were and now I realize there is a whole new group of women who are so strong during such trying circumstances.