At a recent pediatrician visit, my daughter got weighed, as per usual practice. I noted her weight as the nurse read it out loud, and filed it away in the “Google later” category, as I have been doing with her weight since she born. My daughter was born a low-weight premie, and for 2+ years, consistently weighed in “under the curve.” The amount of sleep we lost, and battles we’ve fought over how much is enough food, is immeasurable, because of the constant “is she gaining enough weight” measuring stick in our brains, despite consistent assurance from our pediatrician that she’s growing perfectly, “someone has to be on the low end of the curve,” and reinforcement that we’re doing everything right.
What differentiated this particular weight check note for me is that I wanted to Google whether my daughter is now becoming overweight. In recent months, I’ve noticed that her cheeks have gotten rounder, her belly has gotten softer, and she’s begun showing just a bit of the double chin one side of my family is well known for. Both my husband and I are overweight, and have been so for most of our lives, so genetics are not on my daughter’s side. Although we spent our first few years as parents agonizing over whether she ate enough, I had now begun cautioning my husband, who’s still of the “must eat more” mentality, that he needs to stop pushing her if she’s done eating.
When we got home from that visit, I did indeed Google my daughter’s weight, and found that it is an average weight for a child about a year older than she is, though she’s on par for height for her age (and comes from short stock on both sides of her family). For a minute, I watched my brain flip through every meal that she’s consumed recently, and at the end of that montage, I saw myself, at my daughter’s age, overweight since birth, and relived every doctor’s appointment in which my own mom tried to get answers to why I was so heavy. In that moment, I pictured my daughter feeling the same way, and I hated myself for thinking every thought that preceded it.
When I got pregnant, and then when I found out I was having a girl, I vowed to do one thing as a parent, if I did nothing else – raise a child who felt loved and supported and empowered no matter what kind of body she ultimately ends up with. My mom never made me feel bad about myself – her intentions were always good, and I learned as we began conversing as adults that she always blamed herself for my lifelong weight issues, convinced that she didn’t make the right food choices when she was carrying me. But having my body be labeled a problem lived with me until my early 20s. I thankfully never did anything drastic, but I went through my share of diets, endless self loathing, terrible fashion choices and beyond, until I finally found my own sense of style and comfort with my body as it was. I vowed to never do the same thing to my child, and here I was, thinking those very thoughts.
My daughter has over a decade of growth ahead of her, physically and emotionally. She’s soon going to face kids who will find something wrong with her, even if it’s not her weight. She might be a kid who’ll make someone else feel badly about themselves, no matter how much I teach her to be kind. She’ll roll her eyes at me when I tell her that her body is strong and powerful, because I’m her mom, I’m required to say that, and she’ll question herself as she sees more of our unrealistic body imagery out in the world. I don’t know how I’m going to help her through that identity shift, but I know it’s not by questioning whether she’s becoming overweight at this young age.
I’m incredibly lucky because this is a kid who polishes off a full bowl of veggies before her main meal, and eats the lunch salads her classmates leave behind. She has a sweet tooth, but just like I manage my own, we’re measured about indulging it. This is a kid who is in perpetual motion, a kid I legitimately worry about being able to sit through a full day of school. She loves nothing more than an open space to do laps in, would happily spend her entire weekend climbing adult-sized walls and scaling rope courses, and swimming for hours in the summer. Genetics may be against her, but her favorite things are all the things people are usually trying to get their kids to do to be healthy, so it confirms even more that I need to get my brain in order and be the affirming, supportive parent my daughter will need me to be as her body image journey begins in a not too distant future. Even if she becomes completely sedentary tomorrow, it will be up to me to guide her to good choices, just like I’m trying to guide my husband and myself with our own weight struggles, and to do so without judgement.
I decided to post this anonymously because Internet is forever and I don’t want her to stumble on this someday and see this struggle of mine without context. But I wanted to share this for anyone else who may have had these thoughts and has felt as badly about them as I did in that moment. I’m forgiving myself and vowing to do better, and hope you do too. Power to our kids, no matter what body they end up.
guest
Amen, sister. My daughter was born underweight and we spent the first 3 years in the ‘more more more’ mindset. At that time it was hard to change our thinking and my daughter’s weight went up drastically. It’s still higher than it should be. My husband and I battle our own weight struggles. I don’t know that right way to approach things so I’ve chosen to say nothing about her weight nor complain about my own weight not looks. I have spoken to her briefly and bluntly a time or two about why weight if other people say something about my weight.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I think about this all the time. How when kids a little, the bigger the better, and somehow that totally flips at some point… Lately I’ve had to be careful about anything I say to DH with my 3.5 year listening too. We were talking about loosing weight and I caught myself and told DD that exercising is to help our bodies be fit and strong.
blogger / apricot / 275 posts
I really appreciated this post! Many members of my husband’s and my families are overweight and my oldest son has been in the 90th+ percentile for weight since about age 2 (he’s also 80-90th+ percentile for height but that still means he has a very high BMI). He doesn’t look overweight or obese to me, but I also know he’s not a skinny little guy either. He has also developed quite the sweet tooth and I feel very conflicted/ confused about finding the right balance between letting him be a kid and trying to teach him healthy habits at a young age. Thank you for sharing your story!
guest
My daughter was born teeny, like one of her brothers, but unlike her brother, by five weeks old, she was all rolls and chins. She has been chubby ever since. She loves food, and is definitely more sedentary than her brothers, even if she is reasonably active. She’s four years old now. At her check-ups we have been advised to not give a second thought to what she eats (I am pretty particular about food so she has a really healthy diet, and sweets just once a week), but to ensure that she stays active. I thought that was really great advice. It feels good to not have to worry about limiting what she eats and risking giving her hang-ups about food. She goes to dance and gymnastics and will start soccer in the spring. And hopefully we will raise a healthy, active girl who can continue to love food, but also have activities she enjoys to help keep her healthy. At this year’s check-up, her weight had plateaued a little and she looks so much more proportional than she did just last summer.