Dear Fellow Mother About to Get Divorced,
You love your child SO much.
You love your child so much that you stayed in a marriage long after you knew you should leave, because you wanted the very best for your little ones — not because you love yourself least.
You are strong.
You are courageous.
You are beautiful.
You are brave.
And, you’re likely scared.
Occasionally, even a little panicked.
There are so many unknowns right now that are making it difficult to breathe. You’re likely looking to create the most financial sustainability for yourself and your children, especially if you’re getting ready to dive deep in working with an attorney.
Good on you.
You might’ve been in a situation where your partner said a lot things. Did a lot of things. Things that caused you to question your own sanity.
‘Am I crazy?!’ you started wondering to yourself, even though you’re well-educated, have been successful in your career in the past, and belong to a strong and healthy social network.
Still, you were afraid to open up to your closest of friends to tell them the truth about what was happening.
You wanted everything to look pretty on the outside.
You wanted to save face.
Yet, every day, you walked around with this tiny anchor in your chest, knowing that things were falling apart. Knowing that things weren’t right.
Your Intuition kept nudging you to see the truths you turned your mind away from.
You wanted to believe you could will a different reality into being. You thought that with the power of being a woman, you could make it all right somehow.
But, it wasn’t yours to fix anymore.
Let it be broken.
And walk away.
You are now embarking on the most beautiful return to self.
The most powerful awakening of your own power.
You are preparing to do the hardest thing you’ve done in a long time (or maybe ever) and even though it’s filled with moments of wondering how everything got to where it is now, you know in the depths of your soul you can do this.
You are made for greatness.
As the year ends, it’s time to shed anything that causes you to dim your Light.
Your child will one day see the Truth, too.
If you keep opening your heart to Love and forgiveness, and especially self-respect, you open the path for them to find that same knowing in their own lives.
As they grow into adulthood, they’ll experience the nuances of life firsthand and explore the many different versions a story can have.
Their eyes will open to the fact that you are an incredible human who chose her own greatest life to remind them that they can do it, too.
The hardest thing to do is to grant your partner the dignity and grace that they may not be affording you. But, as Michelle Obama said, when they go low, we go high.
You are not broken.
You are complete.
I recently learned about how you can reframe all your relationships into three different kinds, a la Iyanla Vanzandt, and maybe looking at it this way will help you find the kind of peace that I discovered, once I realized my marriage fell into the last one.
Lifelong — This is the partnership where you’re in it forever, ups/downs/all-arounds. No matter what.
Life-giving — This is the one that can last a day to two years, and along the way, you spark your self-worth again. You see how desirable you are. It can be a loving relationship or a chaotic one, but along the way, you find yourself again. Healthy boundaries and all.
Life purpose — This is the relationship where you two came together for a specific reason. Maybe it’s to have kids. Maybe it’s to build a business. Whatever it is, when the reason happens, the relationship dynamic is forever changed and won’t ever go back to the way that it is.
We came together to have our daughter, there is no doubt about that. And, now I can release the tendrils of attachment in thinking that it should be anything else other than what it was.
Now, I am COMPLETE.
Because, you didn’t “break up” since you weren’t broken to begin with. Nor are you broken now even if elements of you feel shattered.
Instead, you are COMPLETE. You fulfilled whichever category of relationship it was meant to be, and each one is designed to uplift you into a higher realm. Everything is working out for you, even if you can’t see it in that way now. That’s why opening up to your closest friends and allowing your vulnerability to be seen can truly help.
They can be your eyes to see clearly, especially into the future, when you are lost in the here and now.
Remember, you finished what you came to learn in your marriage. The knowledge in your head and heart are becoming clearer every day on the gifts you were meant to walk away with, even if they were delivered in brusque and unrefined ways.
And those cracks you might be feeling?
It means there are more chances for the Light to come through. Much like the Japanese aesthetic of wabi sabi where everything is beautiful precisely because of the imperfections — not for the lack of them.
Remember, you are now complete.
It’s time to soar.
Time to fly.
Time to become the woman you have always wanted to be, as Spirit is now calling you to rise up without any other excuses of why you shouldn’t shine.
You can do this.
We’ll do it together.
A whole sisterhood of women who are wiser and can counsel a younger generation rising up.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
You simply lived life.
And, now you will live it differently.
Your kids will thank you for it.
And one day, you will, too.
A Soon-to-be-Divorced Mama
. . . . .
P.S. If you’re looking for additional help, it might help to talk to a divorce consultant or coach, aside or in addition to an attorney, who can reassure you on matters that might feel big and burly right now. If you’d like a recommendation, simply reach out to me.