Hellobee

February 1, 2008 – 2nd Ultrasound @ 6 Weeks, 1 Days

I started spotting for a couple of days, which I knew was perfectly normal, but how can you not freak out a little bit over the fact that you’re pregnant and bleeding?!  The nurse reassured me that brown blood meant old blood, which was good.  Red blood was cause for more concern.  I was now 6 weeks and 1 day along and it was time for my second ultrasound.  I prepared myself for the doctor to say that we had miscarried, but there it was – a yolk sac and our little bean!  And then a heartbeat!  This was a huge milestone because our chance of miscarriage had now dropped dramatically.  I was so so thankful — I wanted this more than I’d wanted anything in my life.

However with the good news also came some bad.  My progesterone dropped for the fourth week in a row.  I brought it up to my RE who prescribed progesterone supplements called Prometrium.  After extensive research, I found that some doctors felt that progesterone supplements don’t have any benefit or effect on a pregnancy – if you’re going to miscarry, you’re going to miscarry.  Others felt that since progesterone is present in pregnancy, you’re not doing any harm by taking progesterone supplements.  And others still maintained that it could even be harmful?  I was torn.  My doctor was recognized as among the best fertility doctors in Manhattan, but the decision was mine.  If I didn’t take the supplements and miscarried, I’d blame myself.  If I took them and miscarried, I’d blame myself.  Who knew being pregnant was so hard???

I had another doctor’s appointment in three days so I decided to wait on my bloodwork results before making a decision on whether or not to take the progesterone.  Most of the information available on natural progesterone seemed to be anecdotal.  Some women who have had multiple miscarriages swear that progesterone is what finally enabled them to carry a baby to term.  And there have been studies where progesterone had a significant positive impact on women who have had 3 or more miscarriages.  Plus all women who undergo in vitro receive progesterone supplements.   How bad could it be?

February 4, 2008 – 3rd Ultrasound @ 6 Weeks, 4 Days

At my third ultrasound at 6 weeks and 4 days, my progesterone level went up for the first time!

2/1: hcg – 29,574, progesterone – 29
2/4: hcg – 36,260, progesterone – 35.7

But there was more bad news.  The heartbeat was measuring 111 beats per minute, which was on the slow side.   And my yolk sac was on the borderline of being large , which is a common indication of a genetic abnormality that results in miscarriage.  On top of that my subtle pregnancy symptoms started to subside.

I had told a couple of close friends about the pregnancy that week, and was sure I’d jinxed myself… something was going to be wrong because I’d told people.  But at my fourth ultrasound at 7 weeks and 5 days, the heartbeat was normal at 139 beats per minute, and the yolk sac didn’t appear enlarged anymore!  Alas my progesterone level also dropped a whopping 10 points from the previous week.

2/12: hcg – 67,000, progesterone – 26

Still everything  looked normal, so my RE discharged me to go ahead and start seeing a regular ob from now on.  That was the best possible news we could expect.  After the long cab ride home, I even came home and threw up because I was car sick, and I never get car sick. It was the most optimistic I’d felt since we first found out we were pregnant.

February 21, 2008 – 5th, 6th, and 7th Ultrasounds at 9 Weeks

At 9 weeks into my pregnancy I had an ultrasound with my regular ob, and I had really started to believe that everything was going to be ok.  Much to my complete and utter shock, the fetus was measuring 8 weeks and 6 days, and there was no cardiac activity.  My ob sent me to get another ultrasound on a higher resolution machine elsewhere in the hospital, which revealed the same results.  The embryo stopped growing at 8 weeks and 6 days – just the day before.  The following day I got another ultrasound at my RE’s office, and he echoed the same outcome.  When he said 2 weeks prior that the yolk sac looked enlarged (an indication of one of the most common chromosomal abnormalities), he was right.

My ob recommended a d&c followed by an autopsy to determine whether there were any chromosomal abnormalities.

February 25, 2008 – D & C

I arrived at New York Presbyterian Hospital early the morning of my d&c.  Once I was on the operating table, it finally started to hit me like a ton of bricks.  This was a hard core operating room with doctors and nurses and lights and machines everywhere.  The anesthesiologist explained what he was going to do, and told me to count backwards from 10.  I tried to stay awake as long as I could, but I passed out after counting down a couple of numbers.  When I woke up, I was in the recovery room.  The operation went well and I felt fine physically except for some light bleeding.  The embryo was sent for genetic analysis and we would have the results in about 4 weeks.  Mr. Bee was waiting for me in the waiting room, so I changed into my clothes and we went home.  It was all pretty uneventful.

The second miscarriage I could probably deal with.  It was the thought that something was really wrong with me that scared me.  What if we couldn’t have kids?  One miscarriage could be written off as a fluke, but statistically only 3% of women have 2 miscarriages in a row.  Once you hear the heartbeat, your chances of miscarrying are supposed to go down to around 5%… yet we still miscarried at 9 weeks after hearing the heartbeat 3 weeks in a row.

I really thought that the first miscarriage was a fluke and that this one was going to make it.  Now I was never going to hope again.

to be continued…