Mr. Tic Tac Toe and I were married in May of 2009, and decided to wait one year to start trying to get pregnant. I went off the pill in March of 2010 and had regular cycles for a few months, then right as we started trying in June, things began to change. My period was later and later each month. It was agony because each time I was late, I convinced myself I was pregnant, even when faced with BFN after BFN.

In October 2010, five months after we started trying to conceive, my period was a week late. I convinced myself I was pregnant even though I had taken a few at home pregnancy tests, and they were all negative. I even went to the doctor (not my regular OBGYN), who didn’t make me feel any better when she told me I was stressing myself out and that I needed to relax in order to get pregnant. They did a blood test and told me they’d call with results. The next day I got my period.

I’ve always had very regular cycles, never more than a day or two late. I was on the pill from age 21 to age 27, but at that point I’d been off for over 7 months so it shouldn’t have been affecting my cycles. I could handle not being pregnant right then. I knew we had plenty of time to have kids. If I was getting my period on time, I would be a little disappointed, but I’d know that things were working and we just needed to keep trying. But that whole over a week late thing? It was a huge tease. I tried my best to keep moving forward and not worry about it, but I’m a worrier. I just needed some reassurance that it would all be ok… that nothing was wrong with me… that I would get pregnant one day.

What was really difficult at the time was seeing pregnant women everywhere. Students in the halls at school — 15 year olds who had sex without protection and boom: pregnant. The blogs I read of women who tried for a month or two (or not at all), and now they had beautiful babies. The friends who had no trouble conceiving and were working on baby number two. My mom and 2 aunts who all got pregnant later in life without trouble. I was happy for them, but I couldn’t help but feel a little sad and jealous at the same time.

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I was supposed to be a mom. I became a teacher because I wanted a job that would allow me to be around for my kids and have all their breaks off. I bought a house in a nice neighborhood with families up and down the block, married an amazing guy who couldn’t wait to have kids, waited a year after our wedding to start trying because we wanted our marriage to be solid before adding the stress that a baby can bring, all because being a mom is all I have ever really wanted to be.

I was learning how to deal with it all by seeing a therapist and taking yoga, and I thought I was just fine… until I didn’t get my period for three whole months. I went back to the doctor to see if I could take something to start my period. He said that not only would he give me Provera to kickstart my period, but he’d also prescribe Clomid to stimulate my ovaries. When I was in his office, I agreed, but by the time I got home, I decided I wasn’t ready for Clomid. I had read about the side effects and increased chances of twins and was terrified. I decided to just take the Provera, get my period, and hope that my cycle went back to normal on its own.

But as the holidays approached, I became very depressed. When I had planned out that year in my head, I thought I’d be pregnant by Christmas. Then, all of the sudden all of the women I knew (or at least 5 of them I knew on facebook) announced they were pregnant. Doesn’t it seem like the entire world is pregnant when you’re trying to conceive? But it would be several more months before we would decide to give Clomid a try.

… to be continued.