I have a confession to make: After moving him to his own crib around 11 or 12 weeks, I think I’ve only snuck into my son’s room to check on him twice.
Judging by Internet message boards that are filled with tales of first-time parents hovering above their children to confirm that their chests are still rising and falling, this makes me a freak.
The same goes for requiring people to wash their hands before touching my child. I don’t, and rarely have. Ditto for constantly sterilizing his toys and pacifiers. Nope. In fact, I’m willing to bet most moms would be pretty scandalized at how often I’m willing to put a dropped pacifier back in Baby Y’s mouth.
Basically, I’m missing that amped-up anxiety gene that most new moms seem to have. Most days, I think this is a good thing – parenthood comes with a host of worries, and I’d rather expend my energy on the important ones.
Sometimes, though, I have this creeping doubt. Should I be worrying more? Am I a bad mom because I’m not flipping out every day about something?
Today, after I finished nursing him, Baby Y wriggled away, scooted across the bed, and got up on fours to peer out the window. One of his arms gave out, and his little forehead smacked the windowsill. He turned and looked at me, his eyes wide, his mouth quivering, and finally let loose with a pained wail. Of course, I scooped him up, smooched him all over, rocked him and shushed him.
A couple of minutes later, it was like it never happened, aside from the small knot forming on his forehead. And as the day wore on, it was clear that he was absolutely fine, and what little anxiety I’d had evaporated. And funnily enough, I started getting anxious about not being anxious: Should I be frantically Googling “baby hit head”? Should I be calling our pediatrician for an appointment? Should I wake him from his nap to make sure he’s okay?
Oy.
Papa Y is similarly cool-headed (motto: “You can’t have children without chillll”). We like to think that our relative calm has rubbed off on our easy-going baby, though in reality, we probably just got lucky. Perhaps we wouldn’t be so chillll if we had a baby who wasn’t.
Don’t let me fool you – I am not a jitter-free mama. I have the normal stress about milestones – is Baby Y where he “should” be? I always worry when I don’t think he’s gotten enough shut-eye (for both his sake and mine). And even though Baby Y and I don’t cosleep, I have a recurring dream that he falls out of bed while snoozing beside me (I have lunged at Papa Y in my sleep many, many times in an effort to “save” my falling child).
In reality, though, my worries are long term, and more along the lines of whether and how I can raise a smart, well-adjusted, respectful kid in this crazy world. And those worries are more than enough to consume anyone without sweating the small stuff.
A lot of people say they were super-anxious about their first child and super-relaxed with their second. If that’s the truth, I’m a little worried for my theoretical second child, because he or she will probably be BASE jumping from the top of the kitchen cabinets by the age of two.
Any first-time parents out there managing to keep their cool?
Hellobee Series: Mrs. Yoyo part 12 of 16
1. Taming PCOS by Mrs. Yoyo2. Birth Story: Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
3. Breastfeeding: Rocky Beginnings, Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
4. Getting Over the Little-Boy Blues by Mrs. Yoyo
5. (Still) Swaddling by Mrs. Yoyo
6. On the Road with Baby in Tow by Mrs. Yoyo
7. He's not adopted by Mrs. Yoyo
8. Feminism, motherhood, and Facebook by Mrs. Yoyo
9. Baby Growth: It’s Not a Contest by Mrs. Yoyo
10. Review: Baby Connect for iPhone by Mrs. Yoyo
11. Resentment by Mrs. Yoyo
12. Confessions of a non-worry wart by Mrs. Yoyo
13. The Reluctant SAHM by Mrs. Yoyo
14. Digital Inadequacy by Mrs. Yoyo
15. The Most Dangerous Phrase in Motherhood by Mrs. Yoyo
16. Baby gear: Save or splurge? by Mrs. Yoyo
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
We are non-worriers as well. The first time RJ smacked his head I freaked out… but after many many more I don’t find it a big deal at all.
There have been two instances where we may have gone too far the other way. Once he fell and split his chin open and it was gushing blood. It probably could have used stitches, but it stopped bleeding within 5 mins and it was bedtime, and he went to bed just fine with a band-aid on it. I spent the entire night doubting my decision not to take him to the ER for stitches. But obviously there was no way I was going to wake him up and traumatize him with stitches if he was soundly sleeping and not bleeding anymore. He now has a pretty ugly scar on the underside of his chin, but you can’t even see it, and hey, he’s a boy.
The second time was when he had a fever of between 103-104 for a couple of days in a row. It would go down with motrin and he was eating just fine and acting like himself, so we didn’t take him to the doctor’s office. Plus it was the weekend so we didn’t want to take him into the ER and wait there forever just to be sent home with some more motrin. A couple days later he woke up fever-free… but then the next morning he woke up with a 105 fever and totally lethargic and acting sick, and not eating. We took him into the doctor that day and he had a pretty severe ear infection– the first of his life (at age 2). He was on antibiotics for 10 days (after his FIRST dose he started acting like himself again!).
So those two times I look back on and think, hm, maybe I should have been a little more worried. But I’m of the camp of “it’s very hard to kill a baby by accident” and “kids are resilient”.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
“We like to think that our relative calm has rubbed off on our easy-going baby, though in reality, we probably just got lucky. Perhaps we wouldn’t be so chillll if we had a baby who wasn’t.”
I think that’s probably why he is so easy going! I’ve known a lot of babies in my life and the ones with relaxed parents are always more relaxed. I tend to be a bit high strung at times, so I’m going to have to work on letting go and remembering to be chill because I really believe it’s better for the baby that way!
cherry / 190 posts
We are also non-worriers. My daughter (10 months) currently has a bump on her forehead from a shelf and a purple bump near her eye from falling into the dog’s bowl and our biggest worry was trying not to react to it so she wouldn’t cry. I’m a clumsy person so I’ve pretty much adjusted to the fact that my daughter will be as well. I also learned very early on that she will feed off my energy and if I react so will she.
clementine / 889 posts
I really haven’t worried as much, especially about germs and minor injuries. I check on him during the night just because I want to, not to check and see if he’s still breathing. I’ve done that twice, once after he had hit his head and once after we gave him Benadryl for an allergic reaction to amoxicillan. I don’t like sick people holding him, but after the first few weeks, I never worried about washing hands or anything.
I tend to worry about stuff that isn’t happening the way I think it *should* be happening. It’s more obsessive thought about how to fix it, than worry too. Eating, hitting milestones, and sleep are main topics that fall into this category. Essentially I know he’s fine and healthy and happy and will hit his milestones, including eating solids and sleeping better, in his own time, but the thoughts always seem to pop in my head now and then.
persimmon / 1135 posts
Our first born is a week old today and we are totally laid back. It’s just not our style to be anxious and uptight and I think it’s resulted in a really great first week of parenthood! I think babies pick up on their parents’ anxiety and it makes them more fretful.
admin / watermelon / 14210 posts
i’m definitely a worrier, but given my history with anxiety, i think i actually don’t worry that much. i wish i could be more laid back!
guest
2 thumbs up for the non-worrying parent style!
I just had to say that your baby is really cute! I love his hair and his sweet, little face.
cherry / 207 posts
I am with you mrsyoyo. I worry more about raising them right and don’t sweat the small stuff like a paci that has dropped on the floor or sterilizing – haven’t done that since the first month! I am very vigilant about hand washing tho’ cos all my babies are preemies.
guest
I was a mom who checked every night to see if she was breathing. However, I was also picking soothers off the floor…or the sidewalk…
I’m paranoid about safety, but not germs.
pear / 1614 posts
I am pretty laid back. However, as for things that fall on the floor, I work in a hospital and worry about what comes home on my shoes, so I am a stickler about cleaning things that fall on the floor. My son is 12 weeks old, and I guess I have probably checked if he is breathing once or twice. I do worry a lot about raising him the right way, though.
persimmon / 1465 posts
I worry mainly about the big stuff too. I should be better about sanitising LO’s toys and I should have been a hand sanitising dictator when LO was a newborn.i never remembered. Shame.
cherry / 116 posts
I am definitely a worry wart!
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@mrs. wagon: I also worry that sometimes we’ll go too far the other way. He had his first fever not too long ago, and while I definitely kept an eye on him and it never went above 102 or so, I kept wondering if I should be calling the doc just in case.
@mrstilly: Exactly re: milestones. I think it’s just natural because it’s so easy to compare kids, even when we know we shouldn’t.
@MegWag: Glad to hear you’re doing well! Those first few weeks are the most overwhelming, so you’re golden
olive / 63 posts
Thanks for this post – I also have the same feeling – “should I be more worried? Does this mean I’m not attentive enough?” But I actually think it’s fine – I think being laid back is great! It doesn’t mean you don’t care – it just means you’re not getting freaked out about things that are fine. I always remind myselves that humans used to have babies in caves, so mine is probably fine.
cherry / 170 posts
@mrs. tictactoe: I respectfully disagree. I was just about to pop over here and comment on how we made it a point to treat our first as though he were a second…i.e. if he hadn’t woken up from a nap in waaaaay longer than normal, I refused cater to the anxiety that something had happened…if his pacifier fell on the floor, we gave it back, if he decided the best place EVER was to play on the stairs, than we let him, if he wanted to slam his fingers in the cabinet doors, we figured he’d figure it out eventually, and so forth and so on. Where my disagreement lies is that our son (the firstborn) is so. very. very. intense…no matter how anxiety free and free range we have been with him. Our second, is the most laid back baby I’ve ever met…so while I can see how an anxious parent can make for an anxious baby…our laid back parenting style definitely didn’t create a laid back (1st) kid for us.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
Well, I think it’s all about context…I’ll certainly give my son back a pacifier he dropped on my kitchen floor because I know it’s clean and we don’t wear shoes in the house.
I personally would give my son back a pacifier that was dropped in the public restroom of IKEA, but if you do, good for you.
I also think it’s too early to tell, let’s come back in 10 years and see how we handle things, because the first few months or years don’t tell the whole story, now do they?
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@looch: restroom at IKEA? Haha, no, I do draw the line somewhere! Context indeed.
@Coastinganon: Interesting experience with nature/nurture!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
Haha, I meant I wouldn’t give back a pacifier from the restroom at IKEA. LO was up super early this morning, lol.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@looch: oh, I know what you meant! One got dropped on the floor of McDonald’s the other day and we trashed it.
honeydew / 7968 posts
i think i’ll be all germ conscious for the first 2 months – only because they say that babies have no immunization before then… afterwards, i think they need those germs….
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@tequiero21: Yeah, we were definitely more careful earlier on. We still took him more places than I think many people do, but we weren’t letting strangers lick him, for sure
guest
So nice to read this perspective. I am also a pretty laid-back mom and wonder if it’s just that my daughter is easy to look after or my personality. This will be tested within the month as baby number two is on its way! Love the thought of #2 being a base jumper by two!