Hellobee

@Mrs. Jacks: I’m attempting to delete my comments.

@sloaneandpuffy: Keep in mind that I didn’t have an option at the time our baby was born. Please don’t say that I’m crazy… I’m doing the best I can to balance the various needs in my life. There are women who don’t take a mat leave by design and I don’t think they are crazy– just doing what’s right for their situation. I know you didn’t mean it in a judgy way, but it’s a super sensitive subject

@sloaneandpuffy: Oh, I knew you didn’t mean anything by it! (but you can imagine the guilt that I already had…) Do you want me to delete my previous comment?

it goes back to that board that mrbee wrote about how babies know who the parents are. she’ll know who her mama is whether or not you take maternity leave. =)

One of my coworkers adopted a baby last year – she and her husband were lucky to both be able to take maternity/paternity leave (which helped with figuring out daycare when they were both back at work full-time!). I don’t think you’d regret taking a little time off after busy season (whereas the potential you’d regret NOT doing it is probably a lot higher). Plus, it would give you extra time to spend with Little Jacks as she goes through this transition period too.

Definitely take one if you can. My husband took a month off and after he went back to work, he hardly see the baby except on the weekend. Our baby is now three months old and sometimes perceive daddy as a stranger. My husband and I agree that he should come home earlier from work to spend time with him before his 7.30 pm bedtime. I am going back to work in a week and am grateful to have a super wonderful nanny, I am still worried that in a long run he’ll prefer nanny jenny over mommy. I am asking my boss if I can work from home on friday. That way, my baby won’t forget that I am his mommy. Perhaps if you can work from home once or twice a week would make up for the lack of maternity leave?

I can’t imagine not taking some maternity. Having a baby takes adjustment for the baby and parents and you might need that time off. I know in the States some don’t even have mat leave, so I definitely don’t complain with the luxury we have in Canada and 50 weeks off. I couldn’t imagine going back to work when my baby is still a newborn

i didn’t take any maternity leave after having olive, but of course i work from home. would i have liked some time off? yes. but do i feel any less bonded to her now even though i didn’t take time off? nope! i don’t really have any regrets. i love her and feel just as bonded to her as if i’d taken maternity leave.

Oh, she is so sweet!
I loved my maternity vacation (my friend told me to refer to my 12 weeks as maternity vacation instead of leave and it totally changed the way I viewed the time off)– but now that my baby is a little older, I so so so so wish I could take 12 more weeks to enjoy seeing his little personality develop and do more ‘play’ during the day. The first 12 weeks are wonderful, but tough!
Maybe you can live my dream and take time when she is a little older and more interactive, and awake longer

@Mrs. Bee: I really appreciate that perspective. I was hoping to stimulate a discussion about the competing interests in our lives at the same time that we’re raising children and how that gives rise to conflicted feelings about time off… but it seems that most folks aren’t conflicted (at least that’s what I’m hearing).

rebecca is right. olive is soooooo much more fun now. the newborn stage is great since they sleep so much. they’re so easy to care for the second time around! but when they’re a little older and giggly and laughy and chattering….. it’s an awesome time to take a belated maternity leave!

Poor mama. I hate that families have this dilemma, whether male or female. It’s stressing me out already to think what my husband’s schedule might be like when we have number 2 and how much we valued that initial time together with #1. Even if he doesn’t get time off though I know baby will love him and know him because he makes sure his time with baby is quality even if quantity isn’t an option, and from your posts I know you make the most of your time together.
My only problem with people (both male and female) not taking baby leave is it puts pressure on other men and women not to take leave. Where I used to work this was very much the case.

I personally wasn’t torn at all – I quit my job to be a SAHM. BUT, I was hating my job at the time. If I had loved my position, it would have been a much, much more difficult decision to leave. My husband, on the other hand, had a very hard time. He planned to take a 6 week paternity leave (which isn’t unusual where he works), but there were multiple people trying to take over his job in his absence. It was just too important to him to not lose any of his responsibilities. He ended up going back early and was so sad about it. Take the time if you can – I don’t think anyone ever regrets spending more time with her baby – but I totally appreciate where you’re coming from if you don’t!

I think it would be awesome to take a belated maternity leave for all the reasons that you mentioned. Mrs. Bee didn’t take leave but she was home every day. You’re not at home all day and you have to travel so that’s not the same thing. I think it would be great to spend one-on-one quiet time with her if you can swing it. My LO is almost 2 and I am feeling sad that her baby years whizzed by so quickly. I really would give anything to go back in time to observe it all again. Or maybe I am just feeling a bit weepy since her bday is coming up.

I quit my job to be a SAHM do my perspective might not be the same but I am an adoptive mom so I know what it’s like to not have to physically recover from a pregnancy. If I had to choose I would get through the busy time at your job and then take a small vacation. My husband had a few days off but then went back to work. We found out I was pregnant with twins just after adopting so he didn’t take much time. When our twins were born my husband took off for a month and it was his responsibility to take care of our oldest son. At the time he was 8 months old. He said it was great to have some time with him. I don’t think it matters when you take your leave because your children will bond with you no matter what, but if you feel the need you should take time off. My work called it bonding leave for adoptive moms

I’m in a profession (that I LOVE and gives me great satisfaction) where even if you are on leave, there are still always things to keep up with. With my first child I found myself at probably 3 weeks out starting to answer work-related emails and at 6 weeks out I hired a babysitter for a few hours a week so I could give some work issues my undivided attention. My daughter eventually started 3 days a week at daycare at 13 weeks, which is probably the tiniest I personally felt comfortable leaving her in a daycare setting for full days. I stayed home one day and my husband stayed home one day, but we were keeping an eye on work issues while we were home.

I’m currently pregnant with #2 and have the summer “off” by virtue of being in academia, but don’t expect to be fully off as some projects will keep moving along and I need to prepare for my fall teaching. I’m looking forward to being able to head to the beach with my preschooler and the new baby and sneak in a few hours of work when my husband (who telecommutes) isn’t working himself.

I think if I didn’t have physical recovery/breastfeeding to deal with, and maybe I had an in-home nanny vs. a daycare setting, I’d be totally comfortable not taking an official maternity leave. I might instead choose to cut back to 60-80% for a while just to have a day at home to relax with the baby and catch up on all the organizational issues that come along with a new person to be responsible for.

@Mrs. Jacks: I’m kinda confused with this post because the title makes it sound like your asking for opinions but then since your saying its a sensitive subject… its kinda not leaving much room for people to voice honest opinions without making you feel guilty

@Mrsbells: Perhaps I should have been more clear. The question in the title is my question to myself as I walk you through my internal conflict that I’m going through about mat leave. The question I posed to the group was “what did you decide about maternity leave and how did you feel about the emotional pull of the other alternatives?”

Does that help?

And by the way, I welcome opinions about the situation, just as I welcome the diversity of options that we all have. My issue came with the use of the word “crazy” with respect to my decision, which was clarified and changed between me and the person who used it.

@Mrs. Jacks: I love the idea of a delayed parental leave! Maybe I’ll take some time off later this year to spend with Olive… what a wonderful option to consider. Thanks for the idea!!

I also love the idea of delaying leave until work calms down, with the added bonus that baby will be a little bigger. I was lucky to give birth over the summer, which was great on an academic calendar, so I only took a few weeks into the academic year, when I went back to the office part time. But as primary breadwinner with a demanding job, I totally understand your conflict. And I love that you and Mr. Jacks are modeling a different family structure with him as a SAHD. I don’t think you should feel guilty about loving your job and needing to support your family. A lot of men wouldn’t think twice — but that’s what society “expects” of them. Go with your gut, mama.

I haven’t had to make this decision yet, but I have thought about taking part of my maternity leave delayed, if I am in fact a working mom. FMLA says you can take 12 weeks whenever you want within the 1st year of the child’s birth or adoption, so I have thought about taking 6 weeks at first, and then 6 weeks later on, or taking the second half of my leave part time to kind of turn the last 6 weeks into 12 weeks. Babies are much more fun when they are older and I think that is prime bonding time!

Even if you don’t take a true maternity leave, I think it would be great if you took a “Mommy and Jack Jack” week or two off. Hey, I know you mentioned Little Jacks going to preschool – maybe even wait until she starts if that is coming up soon and you & Mr. Jacks can spend a whole week loving up on Jack Jack!

PS: I’m so happy to hear that bonding is going well for you despite your busy work schedule. As someone who really wants to adopt someday, I hope you will blog about you & Mr. Jacks experience with bonding with an adopted child, and the similarities and differences to your experience with Little Jack!

I really think it’s important that mothers take the maternity leave that is available to them. If they don’t, it sends the message to politicians that maternity leave isn’t important and we shouldn’t extend it to what is already considered a sub-par leave in the US compared to the rest of the industrialized world.

My maternity leave was 7 months, I took every day of it, not one less. I felt I was entitled to it, as are all mothers.

@daniellemybelle: Waiting until preschool is a great idea. I hadn’t even thought of that!

Great idea for a post. Bonding has been different, but it’s hard to know if it’s just a different personality or attributable to adoption!

@looch: I really appreciate your reasoning, and I would always advocate for more leave for women. I know my whole life is a political statement, but it feels very foreign (and maybe a little disingenuous) for me to send a message that is contrary to my own needs. Still, your point definitely resonates with me!

I think its such a personal decision. Different things work for different families. I don’t want to work when lo is little. And I’m very lucky that I don’t have to. But I completely understand why some mommy’s want to work.

I feel really blessed that I live in Canada and its the norm to take the full year maternity vacation. I feel torn about going back to work and leaving him at daycare even at 12 months.

I feel every family does whats best. I have known people who have returned to work before their 12 month leave ends and its always a diffcult decision regardless of the length of the leave.

Enjoy the moments you have with your little ones! There are benefits to any time you spend with them whether its during a leave or during the weekends or evenings!

I actually disagree that women should take the maximum leave they’re allowed to make a political statement. For many women taking substantial leave just isn’t an option either due to finances or because leave would be harmful professional. So to say that individual women should be the ones proving that leave is needed is putting the burden in the wrong place. Both men and women should have the CHOICE to take family leave because it’s good for our country’s economic and social health, it’s good for employers in the long run, and it’s good for for the health of families. There are many ways to prove and support those common goods other than expecting women to forgo much needed financial and professional opportunities.

@Mrs. Jacks: Totally get the internal conflict thing. I still struggle with it and DS is going to be one next month.

I took the normal 6 weeks off and now I work very part time and I still struggle with having to work. On the days I work I am saddened when I have to leave DS for the few hours that I do and I wish I could stay at home with him more. It’s only a few hours a few days a week, but sometimes I feel like I am missing his entire life!

If I were in your shoes, I think I would try to fit a little maternity leave in fear that I would regret not taking one later. I know your career is important to you, but there is always time for career and advancements in life, the time your little girl is going to be a baby is only but a year and a year that flies!

Kate B: I can’t reply to you since you are a guest, but if you are entitled to paid maternity leave and you have a job when you return, I don’t see how that is a financial hardship. It can certainly be a career setback, but isn’t that always a risk you take when you begin a new role in the same company or a take a job at a new employer? The career trajectory isn’t always a steep incline, it’s more like a staircase.

Women should also consider the impact their decisions make on others. A lot of the time the first woman in the group to go on leave sets the precedent. If she comes back early, the employer “gets used to it” and expects that behaviour from everyone else, and that shouldn’t be the case.

Also, in some other industrialized countries, parents have the option of designing the leave as appropriate for their family. Both parents have 2 years to divide as they wish in Austria.

@Mrs. Jacks: I agree that sometimes we are in the position where we don’t need to do something and actually it feels like we’d be living a lie. At the end of the day, all parents deserve adequate leave. That’s the situation I’d love to see resolved.

Looch: I’m not sure if you’re in the US, but here FMLA does not entitle you to paid parental leave. It only guarantees you can take up to 12 weeks of leave without being fired and only applies if your company is greater than a certain size and if you have worked there for more than a year or an equivalent number of hours. California is the only state that offers some amount of paid leave, and I believe they provide pay for 6 weeks. Specific companies may offer some amount of paid leave, or individual women may have purchased short term disability before getting pregnant, but in my experience those situations are the exception, not the rule, especially for lower income families that are most dependent on women’s income. Even in Canada, if I recall correctly from some friends, you only receive a percentage of your pay during your leave. Personally, I am expecting baby #2 in 6 weeks and my husband, who is entitled to FMLA, will be taking 6 weeks at 50% because we cannot afford a bigger hit to our income.

I totally agree with you that it’s a shame that employers will develop expectations if parents don’t take the full amount of leave entitled to them, but it’s illegal to not allow a woman who wants to to take 12 weeks, and I still don’t feel that women should feel pressured to sacrifice their own family’s financial well-being in order to set a precedent for something that should be legally protected.

Kate: I am an American living abroad. I’ve only been pregnant and given birth while abroad, but my employer in the US was a large corporation that offered 3 months paid leave, with the option to tack additional time on by FMLA.

Of course if you don’t have those options and you need the money, then yeah, it is a hardship. If you have the time off, paid, I have a hard time relating to women who say they wouldn’t take it.