Hellobee

Half baked thought that accidentally posted… ignore me.

I think you’re asking basically two important questions here. 1) How will Olive and Charlie respond when people ask them where they’re from? 2) Should you and Bee teach them about their ethnic heritage so they have a sense of identity with their cultures?

For #1, my inclination is to encourage them to stonewall anybody rude enough to ask the question “But where are you really from?” That’s nobody’s business, and they should feel comfortable saying so. They’re from Park Slope.

For #2, I definitely think you should teach them all about their heritages and cultural origins! I bet they’ll ask about it anyway. Everyone wants a sense of being grounded in all of the history and tradition that came together to make them the person they are. Plus, they’ll have those ties with their grandparents as well.

We’re both 100% Korean. I’ve met many people who are 1/2 this and 1/4 that. They always seemed proud and happy when answering “where they’re from!”

I will admit that I don’t understand how asking where someone is “from” is offensive. It could be because I’m 100%, all white cracker but to me where someone is from is something to be proud of, not ashamed of or offended by. I understand the implication or racial undertone is often what makes the question offensive but sometimes I think it’s coming out of a genuine curiosity regarding a person’s culture. Obviously we all come from somewhere because like you mentioned, us white people don’t come from Caucasia and all of our families immigrated to America at some point.

All that being said, is there a “non-offensive” way to ask where someone comes “from”? A way that promotes genuine interest in that person and their life and culture and the desire to understand the things that shape them as a human being?

My kid(s) will be half-Korean and half-Chinese and I wonder if they will identify more with one side. Surely, it shouldn’t make a difference (?) but maybe it does. Already, I think LO is more Korean than Chinese since I speak Korean words to her and she sees my parents more than my in-laws. Hm, interesting.

Being Korean is a natural part of my person and I hope to pass on all that I can from my heritage to our future LOs. DH says he identifies himself as American, not half German/Polish. So our LOs will be in the ‘half white’ camp.

I think we should all answer/teach our children to answer the “where are you from” question in whatever way feels most authentic and comfortable. My ancestry is German, but I don’t say that because I don’t identify as a German-American. I’m an American, an Arizonan, an Oregonian, etc…

My husband is half Mexican. I assume he identifies as American, and his skin isn’t very dark, so he’s never been asked where he’s from/what his heritage is. We are both proud of his Mexican half (as well as his Basque half!), and intend to speak Spanish to our children and teach them about their ancestry, though I assume they’ll identify as white/American.

I’m another who has never understood why being asked where you’re “from” is offensive. I’ve always known that I’m a harder one to “get”, though, so maybe that’s why?

I’m 3/4 Filipino and 1/4 Chinese, but I look a lot more like my dad and his siblings who are 1/2, 1/2. My brothers, on the other hand, look much more obviously Filipino. I got the “what are you?” questions a lot more than they did, and I always answer Filipino-Chinese. I don’t give measurements. I am both, and I identify with both.

I had one person tell me that since I’m 1/4 Chinese, I’m not really Chinese anymore. My answer was, “So is my grandfather not really my grandfather anymore? And my dad is half not my dad?”

I grew up with more emphasis on the Filipino culture, since my mom is full and my dad grew up in the Philippines, but my dad never let us “lose” the Chinese part of our heritage. I love that he did that, and I’m proud of my heritage.

LO will end up being only 1/8 Chinese, so I’m pretty sure they’ll identify mostly as Filipino; but I’ll be sure to let them know that there is Chinese in their heritage.

I think about this all the time as the mom in a multi-racial family. But it goes back even further than that. I’m 1/4s… but that doesn’t mean my identity is 1/4s. I identify with my Italian side more strongly than any of my other ethnicities. Mr. Jacks has it easy because he is British, 100%. For us mixes, it’s much more complicated. What/who am I, really? I’ve searched my whole life for the answer to that question… and I still don’t have an easy answer. And I don’t know that the answer lies in my heritage, though I think there are some clues there.

So then I have 1 daughter that is more British than anything else, even though that isn’t my identity at all and one daughter who is also 1/4’s but completely different 1/4s from my own.

My only solution is to expose them both to as many aspects of their heritage as I can, through language, travel, relationships etc. Both will know that they come from a very rich multi-racial family and hopefully will become students of cultures– not only their own, but those of others. I want them to have a strong sense of who they are with respect to their heritage and their personalities. Most importantly, I want them to feel a sense of love and belonging!

@eeh: Sometimes I say, “you are so beautiful, what is your heritage if you don’t mind me asking?” Or, “you look so much like my daughter who is black, Filipino and native, do you mind me asking your background? ” When you frame it with why you want to know (with a compliment thrown in) and the question, it seems that people rarely mind.

I think can seem more offensive when it seems like you are questioning their nativity, but I could be wrong.

I always struggled with this question since I’m 100% Korean, but adopted. My parents raised me and my twin as if we were white and was told to answer that question with “I’m American.” Even to this day, my parents insist that we are not Korean (we’re adopted so we can’t be Korean, right?). I’m Korean but my family is 1/2 German and 1/4 Norwegian, 1/8 Irish, 1/8 French… which me confused as a kid. The majority of people who ask me that question happen to be Asian and I think it’s simply out of curiosity, someone to possibly identify with. And then I explain I’m adopted and I don’t know Korean. My husband is 3rd gen Japanese-American who identifies himself as a white-washed Asian.

My son is 1/2 Japanese, 1/2 Korean and I pray he doesn’t go through the identity crises I went through! I hope we’re able to blend our Americanized culture with racial background so he’s proud of his racial make-up and comfortable answering the question.

@eeh: I agree with Jacks about asking the question a little more sensitively. That said, there are still people who ask this question in a malevolent way … my husband has been asked in such a manner in our very rural town that makes it clear that he is supposed go back to wherever he is “from.”

Obviously I’m concerned about this question for our 1/8 Chinese, 3/8 Thai, 1/2 white Baby Y. I hope to teach him to answer in a way that educates those who are genuinely curious “My Daddy’s parents are from Thailand” and ignore/stonewall anyone who hopes to make him uncomfortable.

I don’t think the where are you from question is offensive either. I get asked that all the time. I am Chinese but don’t look 100% Chinese. And then I grew up in Hawaii so that confuses people even more. I don’t mind explaining it to people. I would much rather people asked me versus just guessing and being wrong and then not wanting to accept that they are wrong. Like when people ask me if I am Filipino, and I’ll say no, and they keep persisting. Are you sure you’re not Filipino? Hmmmm, pretty sure, no wait – let me think – oh…yeah, still not Filipino.

As for my half Chinese – half German/Polish daughter, she will know more about her Chinese side more because DH’s side has melded into the “half white” camp.

Both my husband and my families were scattered across eastern Europe, which is pretty normal for Jews. What doesn’t seem normal now a days is to have two parents who’s family are completely Jewish. Both my husband and my parents are, so now lo’s parents are too. I think that’s pretty neat.

My husband and I tick the “white” boxes on census forms, but we have this problem sort of. He is Portuguese-German American, I am a European New Zealander, and we both grew up in Indonesia. Our children will most likely grow up in Australia, so I have no idea where they will say they are from. Even though my husband identifies as white, when he walks home from university sometimes skinheads drive up beside him and call him “race mutt” and “coconut.” He has quite distinctive hair and facial features (the Portuguese in him), which is why he gets this attention I think. Anyway, for all our chequered backgrounds, we are proud of all of them and hopefully our kids will be too.

I feel like people who aren’t white know more about their culture than I know about mine as a white person. I wish I knew more about my heritage. I know somewhere along the way my dad’s family came from Ireland and my mom’s from England. The only culture my family identifies is Southern because my dad’s family has been in the same small Georgia town since 1800.

I’m half New Zealander, half Australian. I was born in NZ, but lived in Australia until I was 9. I don’t identify with the Ozzie half at all and just tell people I’m a kiwi. But, it gets even more complicated beyond that… I have ancestors who come from pretty much everywhere in Europe, and everywhere in the pacific islands, as well as a fair chunk of Maori (the natives in NZ). Then, on top of all the, I married an American, who is a quarter czech (I think) as well as part German. As far as I know DH really only identifies as an American though

All that being said, because I look Caucasian, the only time I’ve ever been asked where I’m from is when I’m in the states and people hear my accent and can’t figure out where it’s from. So, personally, I’ve never found that question to be insulting, I think most of the time it’s asked out of curiosity, not malice.

That was a novel and a half! Phew!

I will definitely be teaching my kids about their NZ heritage, and if/when they become more curious, I will definitely tell them about all the other countries we are “from”.

I’m a mix of five different European nationalites (Irish, English, Dutch, Portuguese, German) and DH is a mix of five (Irish, English, Danish, French-Canadian, Scottish), so our future LOs will be “white” and “American”, since we’re 3rd generation Americans.

I’m pretty interested in genealogy though, and have traced our family tree back about 8 generations, so they’ll know exactly where their roots are.

I’m 100% Vietnamese American, born and raised in CA & HI. I think a pretty innocent, clear way to ask someone their background is: “What’s your ethnicity?” coupled with some other gentle curiosity/questions.

From delving into my heritage and taking Ethnic Studies classes, I learned why an innocent, “Where are you from?” question may come across as offensive:
Say someone of my background answers, “From California” to that question, and the other person doesn’t believe me because they insist that anyone who ISN’T white must be from another country. It implies that non-white folk aren’t truly American, are always foreign.

I’ve definitely encountered both accounts of very nice people who wanted to know my ethnicity, but didn’t know how to ask and just say shyly,” Where are you/your parents from?” And I get the other ignorant folks who say, “No, really, you’re not from San Jose blah blah”

It’s good to talk about race!

If I am asked where I am from, which I get a lot when I speak German with my heavy American accent, I respond with USA. I don’t get offended with the question at all, but then again, I am Western European by ethnicity and caucasian by race, so I blend into the general population. I can see how being asked this could be offensive for other ethnicities and race groups, as there are a lot of stereotypes about people that come for asylum.

I personally think it’s good to talk about race and ethnicity, the dialogue brings it out into the open and normalizes it. It’s not something to be embarrassed of and we should strive to teach our children pride of origin.

Where are you from has always been complicated for us to answer as a couple. I was born in Sweden but grew up in Canada. My dad is Swedish and my mum is from East Africa. She has Asian (Indian) descent, but her family had been in East Africa for generations, she didn’t visit India until she was an adult, and has never identified with India, probably because she is not Hindu like the majority of Indians. So I am a total mix. Personally I usually answer “Sweden”. My husband is from India but came to Sweden when he was five and grew up here. Our son was born in Atlanta but is technically 3/4 Asian, 1/4 white.

I have no idea how he will choose to answer the question but I think all we can do is explain where we all came from and then let him choose his own answer and back him up on that answer, whatever it may be. Probably it will change as he grows up, I know it did for me and I think it’s quite natural for us to identify more with different parts of ourselves during different points in our lives.

We’re just White (bit of everything) and don’t really have any cultural identity except American. And that’s fine with me. Our culture is midwestern Protestant Christian I guess, if I had to pin it down!

@eeh: @joyjoy: @Andrea: I guess I’m the odd one out that does think the question “Where are you from?” is offensive. It’s not that I am truly offended by it personally, but even after receiving this question for 24 years, it still throws me off and makes me feel uncomfortable.

It especially makes me feel uncomfortable when I get the question in a way like @Mrs. Yoyo’s husband – like I am so very out of place. It’s also hard because I don’t strongly identify as Latina even though I look it, so when I get probing questions like “Why don’t you speak Spanish?” it makes me feel awkward.

In general, I think it’s important to remember that even if ethnicity/race/nationality is no big deal for you to talk about, it can be very personal for some people for a variety of reasons. Also, asking the question, “Where are you from?” can make people feel as if you are accusing them of not being as American as you are, even if that’s not your intent. If you do really feel the need to ask, I think @Mrs. Jacks is right on that coupling it with a compliment and using a term like “ethnicity” or “heritage” would probably be safer.

As far as our future LOs, I imagine they won’t get that question. People will assume that they are “just black.” Their actual ethnic heritage will be 1/4 white (German/Irish), 1/4 Cuban (a mix of several races/cultures!), and 1/2 African-American (DH’s AA heritage actually includes Native American heritage as well, back in the great-greats!). I think the only time people might ask probing questions is when they see me with them, as I’m obviously not black. And of course, we are considering adoption as well so that will be a whole ‘nother ball game!

Overall, I hope that our children are proud to be who they are, proud of their heritage, and feel free to identify however they feel comfortable, not how society wants to categorize them.

@daniellemybelle: I realize that it may be offensive to some so I never ask the question of others. I prefer to ask people where they grew up. And then I find that I will find out more about their race if we become friends. Otherwise, I leave it alone.

This is such a huge issue and only going to become huger as the many Asian american communities are now entering their second and third generations here in the states. We’re lucky as Koreans because we can kind of see how things go with Japanese and Chinese since they were here just a bit earlier than most Koreans. We’ve met some of our friends’ parents who speak better English than their ancestral language, and it’s funny to think that will be us when meeting our kids’ friends.

Whenever someone asks where I”m “from from” or “from originally” I simply say “I was born here in America, but my parents immigrated from Korea before I was born. I’ve never been there myself.” I guess I will teach my kids to say “I was born here in America. My grandparents immigrated from Korea in the 70s.” They’re lucky to have it so simple since all of their grandparents immigrated in the 70s, and all four from one place! Charlie and Olive certainly will have lots of ‘splainin to do But I guess just like caucasian people say “I’m Irish, Italian, and Polish” they can just simply say “I’m Japanese, German, Irish, and Korean.” Or whatever is comfortable for them. I think cultural and ancestral identity is a very personal thing. I know some people who are extremely sensitive to it (are Asian and won’t live somewhere with tons of Asians, or won’t live somewhere with zero Asians) but Wagon Sr. and I are both pretty laid-back about it since we both grew up identifying much more with our American side rather than our Korean side.

I think the reason it’s offensive (to me, at least), is that you ask people questions to get a better understanding of them. So you ask what people’s hobbies are, what books they’ve read, movies they’ve seen, etc… and then when you try to sum someone up based upon their ethnicity by asking, “Where are you from?” it just seems rude. Like, all of a sudden, a random stranger knows that I’m Vietnamese and they feel like they “get” me.

It’s worse when I answer unenthusiastically and they say something like, “Oh, well my wife/friend/neighbor is Asian.” And that accomplishes what?

Our future child will be Asian/White or “Amerasian.” People in the Midwest don’t really know the difference in the different countries in Asia so most likely our child will just say “I’m half Asian and White.”

I’m 3/4 Italian and 1/4 Irish/British but I’ve been asked if I’m Egyptian, Persian, Middle Eastern, but I get Latin most often. I work with many Latina women and most of the time they’ll just start speaking to me in Spanish and I have to explain to them that the only Spanish I know I learned in HS.

Another funny thing is my husband is 1/2 Irish and 1/2 Italian. If you ask him he’ll tell you he’s Irish and if you ask his brother he’ll tell you he’s Italian

I’m so mixed I don’t even know what I am. Same with DH. We’re both 100% white, but we have percentages from Poland, Germany, Ireland, France and a few others. My maiden name is German so when people used to ask what I was I would just say German. My married name is polish though, so now I say Polish and German.

My married name is so unique that almost everyone who hears it demands to know what nationality it is. I usually just offer the info without being asked since I know it’s coming.

>>I definitely view myself as half-White, not half-German/Irish. Is that what’s going to happen to Charlie and Olive? Are they going to consider themselves 3/4 Asian, or “mostly Asian”? Or are they going to identify with Japan and Korea…

I think this is an interesting question. I think for our LOs, they will consider themselves to be “Amerasian”– half white and half Asian. I’m 100% Vietnamese-American, but I consider myself to be an American with Vietnamese heritage. I don’t identify with Vietnam at all (I was born here), but I do know that being Vietnamese had an impact of me growing up with my cultural upbringing.

I think our LOs will identify even less with their Vietnamese heritage– I can speak it fluently, but hubs doesn’t at all, so it’ll be hard to speak it around them. I also don’t do any of the Vietnamese holiday/celebratory rituals on my own (just at my mom’s house), so they won’t be immersed in it as I was. It makes me a little sad to think about it.

@daniellemybelle: I have friends who think being asked their ethnicity is offensive. Because of that, I never personally ask it of others unless we’re close enough to not be offended. By that time, though, it usually comes up some other way. I was just trying to say that I personally don’t find it offensive, but I do realize that my experience with those asking the question might be far different than others.

@artbee: I think it’s pretty cool, too, that your kids are 100% Jewish. My husband is 100% Jewish (although 1/2 Sephardic, 1/2 Ashkenazi), but I am just plain ol’ “white.” I am in the process of converting to Judaism now, but obviously that’s a separate matter.

I wish that my family tracked our heritage better, so that at least we could know whether we were German, British, Norwegian, etc. It just so happens that that list is what I suspect makes up the majority of my heritage, but I wish I knew for sure!

@Witz: have you tried ancestry.com? My husband is big on genealogy and has found so much information about our families.

My daughter will be 1/2 white and 1/2 hispanic. I hadn’t even thought about this question, although I have to admit I’m curious what kind of coloring (hair, eyes, skin tone) she will have when she arrives!

my kids would be “asian” i guess. i dont see them saying to others, “i am korean-chinese-american” …. or is it “chinese-korean-american?”

I know we still have family is Switzerland on the original homestead, with percentages of German and English. Interesting tidbit one of my ancestors was a judge on the Salem with trials.
I have a son from a previous marriage, and a daughter from my husband. My son’s Dad is 1/2 Italian and 1/2 German and he has bright red hair since they’re from Northern Italy. Everyone is always surprised by that.
My Husbands family is Irish, so Madailein is Irish, German, Swiss and English.

My husbands ex-wife is Japanese, they met while he was stationed there and she moved to America with him. They have two daughters, they tell everyone they’re full Japanese. I think that has to do with their Mother telling them that, it’s kind of sad that at such a young age they aren’t being told about their true heritage, only one side.

None of these questions offend me, but I’m not ask them on a daily basis. I think if I were it would probably start to bother me.