It has been a month of big changes for the Yo-Yo house. We moved back to the city after a few years in a rural mountain town. Papa Y is beginning work with his new employer, and Baby Y, who is just a few weeks from his first birthday (sniff), is looking more like a little boy and less like a baby everyday.
While I’m finishing a couple of projects from my old job remotely, for all intents and purposes, I am now a stay-at-home mom. A couple of promising job opportunities didn’t pan out, and while I’m still looking, I’m in a little bit of a funk about it all.
Intellectually, I know I’m so so lucky to have the luxury of time and choice about where and when and even whether to work. I should be enjoying this time with my son for what it is – the chance to drink it all in as he teeters on the cusp of toddlerhood. And there are some days when I’m truly, truly grateful.
Two recent outings to avoid going stir-crazy: Fun at the toy store and a picnic on the lake
But I have to be honest. There are other days when I do not know I how I can do this one more month … one more week … one more day … one more hour. Papa Y has been traveling for work a lot, so I’ve been alone many a day with the kiddo recently, which really compounds that feeling.
I’ve always been an achiever. I thrive on the feeling of making some positive contribution, whatever my chosen pursuit. And while you could certainly argue that motherhood is a pursuit, and my child is my contribution, it’s not exactly the type of work with immediately tangible rewards or feedback. (Well, scratch that. I get feedback, but it’s usually in the form of a small being screeching at the top of his lungs and clinging to my leg in the kitchen because I’m not cutting up his cantaloupe fast enough.)
When the day goes smoothly – a reasonable wake-up time, two decently long naps with a minimum of fussing, an outing or two to keep from going stir-crazy – I can usually keep a semi-positive attitude. But when things go haywire, so do I.
Today, for instance, Baby Y decided to skip his morning nap. Almost immediately after I put him down, he produced the most epic poopy diaper I’ve seen in quite awhile, and nothing I tried would get him back to sleep. So I surrendered, took off his sleep sack, and set him loose to play. Just like that, there went my morning break that I was depending on to get things done. And as the morning wore on, I grew testy with Baby Y, who of course was clingier than usual because he was overtired. And I felt so bad, because honestly, the kid is 11 months old and he wasn’t trying to torpedo me on purpose. He’s just a baby who pooped and woke himself up.
Papa Y is a wonderful breadwinner, and he works so hard for us. Sometimes, though, I simply wish he could have a taste of unadulterated, no-help-from-mom, 24-7 baby duty for a few days, and experience how everything he wants to accomplish that day is suddenly at the mercy of things like bowel movements. And I wish he could see how much work even the best days are, and how many little course corrections and personal sacrifices I have to make to keep the kiddo well-rested, well-fed, and entertained.
In an ideal world, I would find an awesome part-time gig that would give me the best of both worlds – a couple days of career pursuits, and a couple days with Baby Y. But we all know that’s almost impossible to find – I negotiated it in my last job and will forever be grateful that I was able to swing it. I am keeping my eyes open for freelance opportunities, but the plum ones are so competitive, and it’s so deflating to put time and effort into applications only to hear absolutely nothing in return (I know … welcome to today’s economy). The kicker, though, is that I really feel like if I am going to work, it needs to be something that I will truly find fulfilling — otherwise, it would be tough to justify daycare or whatever arrangements we would need to make for Baby Y.
Even if I stay home indefinitely, if we have it in the budget, I may look into occasionally getting a sitter. Unfortunately, breastfeeding still presents an obstacle to getting away for more than 4 or 5 hours, but I’m so conflicted on when and whether to start weaning. And there’s your life lesson: it all comes back to the boobs, people.
So, I ask the more experienced SAHMs of the world: How do you keep a positive attitude when the mommy grind gets you down?
Hellobee Series: Mrs. Yoyo part 13 of 16
1. Taming PCOS by Mrs. Yoyo2. Birth Story: Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
3. Breastfeeding: Rocky Beginnings, Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
4. Getting Over the Little-Boy Blues by Mrs. Yoyo
5. (Still) Swaddling by Mrs. Yoyo
6. On the Road with Baby in Tow by Mrs. Yoyo
7. He's not adopted by Mrs. Yoyo
8. Feminism, motherhood, and Facebook by Mrs. Yoyo
9. Baby Growth: It’s Not a Contest by Mrs. Yoyo
10. Review: Baby Connect for iPhone by Mrs. Yoyo
11. Resentment by Mrs. Yoyo
12. Confessions of a non-worry wart by Mrs. Yoyo
13. The Reluctant SAHM by Mrs. Yoyo
14. Digital Inadequacy by Mrs. Yoyo
15. The Most Dangerous Phrase in Motherhood by Mrs. Yoyo
16. Baby gear: Save or splurge? by Mrs. Yoyo
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
There are days when I long to be a SAHM. When I pick baby S up from daycare and get home at 5 only to start the bed time routine an hour later. But then after the weekend when Monday rolls around I’m almost always ready to drop him off at daycare instead of taking him with me to the grocery store on my day off. Mr. S is a pilot and has been away for 6.5 of the last 8 weeks, home for a few days to sleep off the jetlag and then off again. I’m not sure that I could handle being a SAHM with this schedule. I admire you for doing it. And, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a sitter a few days a week. All the SAHM’s I know have someone come in at least 2x’s a week. Consider it therapy
GOLD / pear / 1845 posts
secret chocolate stash? No really, it helps
Also, my best friend, who lives far away, is also a SAHM so we call each other multiple times a week to whine/brag about our children an hear another adult voice. It’s nice to talk to someone without worrying about the noisy little ones in the background, because she has them too!
I hate how at that age pooping at the wrong moment can wreck the whole day, it’s ridiculous!
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts
I agree. I love love love being with LO all day…. but I also do long for her nap times. A girl needs a break!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I always thought I’d like to be a sahm, but I’m no longer sure. I enjoy working now and I think I’d get bored. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there though
pomegranate / 3053 posts
I find that heading out to run even just one errand will help ease the boredom (for him) and exhaustion (for you) at home for both of you. It really helps pass time and then you can also get some stuff done as well. And either putting him in a stroller or shopping cart with snacks helps tremendously too. I’m glad my toddler is still willing to sit in either! It’s more challenging and mentally exhausting to stay at home all day long b/c you have to always think of things to help entertain a toddler who needs more attention than ever. And then there are meal times.
I also try to have lunch date with friends who have kids so we both have company and don’t have to clean up the mess like I do at home.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
Hats off to you (and my hubs) who do this work. I can’t do it. When I was on mat leave with LJ I found having scheduled outings with friends who had kids of the same age really helped break things up. Maybe do that a couple times a week?
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@Mrs. Stroller: Sounds like you’ve actually struck a nice balance! But having Mr. S gone so much must be tough.
@Hanasu: Oh, trust me, the last thing I need is more sugar around the house! Agree that having others to commiserate with is crucial. I have that with friends who are far away, but we need to make some new ones here.
@erwoo: Now that we live somewhere with a decent number of diversions, I absolutely make sure we get out of the house once a day. I’m kind of looking forward to him dropping to one longer nap a day, though, because it will make getting out easier.
@Mrs. Jacks: Yes, I need some other mom friends around here. I may join a couple of groups and see how that goes. And honestly, it’s not really the work I choose … but since I’m not the main breadwinner, it’s mine whether I like it or not unless and until we make other arrangements. Sometimes I get a little down that my career has to be the one on the back burner just because I chose a lower-paying field, though. But I get to see a lot of little charming moments everyday, and I know so many parents would give anything for that.
kiwi / 538 posts
Thanks for posting this today :). I’m going back to work on Monday after 10 weeks off and I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I always thought that being a SAHM was something I would want to do one day if we could swing it financially, but after being home for the last 2 months I’m not sure anymore. I love my son to pieces but some days were just so monotonous and thankless and I often found myself counting down the minutes until my husband came home so I had someone to talk to. I don’t have any family or Mommy friends nearby so I know that didn’t help either. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should WANT to be with my baby all the time. I’m still struggling with this but I feel a little better knowing I’m not alone in feeling this way. I think every woman wishes they could work part time and get the best of both worlds!
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@dookie32: Yep, that’s pretty much exactly how I feel! So no, you are definitely not alone. I try to reassure myself that knowing your own limits can only make you a better mother.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
I feel your pain!!! Being a sahm is such an emotional roller coaster! I try to get out of the house at least once a day and also try to have a play date once a week too.
My husband travels a lot and my pregnancy hormones are making me so crazy and weepy.
I really am thankful and cherish being able to stay at home with my LO though. They grow up so fast and it’s awesome that I can experience all of her little milestones.
As for my career, it’s on the back burner for at least 5 years. Sometimes I think I’d be fine being a sahm until my kids are off to college, but I’m an achiever too and I’ll probably go crazy if I don’t pursue something for myself.
I hope you’re adjusting well to your new home and hope you find a job you love that allows the flexibility you need!
olive / 63 posts
Don’t take days where your husband is traveling to be a true example of SAHM-hood. I’m a SAHM and those days are ROUGH. I think one of the most important things, if you decide you are into this SAHM thing longer term, is to get some weekly activities going so that you get out of the house and see people every day. Story time at the library, a play date, a lunch with someone who doesn’t mind the baby, a Bible study if you’re into that — whatever it is. You need those things to break up your day and give you some human interaction. And it makes the time you spend just hanging at home much more enjoyable. Good luck!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I agree with @chopsuey119, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster. There are mornings, like today, where we had to rush out of the house for a doctors appointment after having all been up all night and sleeping late. It was super hectic but I am glad to be sitting on my couch now instead of hustling around the office. The grass is always greener, though, and I’ve learned to just live in the moment and take lots of trips to break up the monotony.
guest
I could write a novel on this.
A) working. In my field i eould literally NEED a nanny or place my kiddo in day care since both hubby & I would work hotrific hours. If i could fine a part time job that would be lively. But my firld more people stayed because their spouses lost income or their retirement packages were harmed so finding part time has been hard for me too.
B) not working. I am an acheiver & like faced paced result work. Not working does not help my adrenaline drive! Ha. However I am trying to RE Frame my thinking because, this is what I have to *work* with. Not working….
There are pros & cons but let’s just focus on how to get thru the week. I try to give myself a routine…. I meet parents I can tolerate who my kid plays with their kids. I get their numbers we try to make a pseudo playgroup with kids our kids like and do field trips to local venues/parks.
I signed my kid up for gymboree when she was 6 months old & parent & me swim. That gave me an opportunity to look forward to meeting other people, get her with other kids, and to get out of the house.
When my kiddo was 20 months old we stopped gymboree- we began doing “older” toddler things like story time at Barnes and Noble/& public library. Go to the local zoo & aquarium. (got pricey passes to Disney!). A neighbor who is an art teacher started a parent & me art class for toddlers too! My churh has a mother ministry. We get the kids together for a weekly play group. Have mom’s night out evenings/ or activities like “catch up night” (where we can bring a project we have been trying to finish, take it to someone house and drink coffee/snacks/chat while balancing a checkbook, repair clothes, organize a recipe box or photos). My mom and her friends who she formed from when she was a SAHM they formed a monthly card group where they play Pokeno (kind of like bingo). There are 12 women, so the rotate each month at eachothers house and have food games. They are each other extended support group from fam as they navigate a death of their children (ya i know- 1 kid died in a car accident) deathe of a spouse, divorce, etc etc….
I have met parents who work part time or not at all and we just form a comraderie and call each other to get the tikes together when we are all experiencing cabin fever. It makes me appreciate being able to have the flexibility to feel like I am giving my kid enriching activities, that I can guide her as she larns manners/social interactions of things we find meaningful!
When she catches a cold- i love how the day can revolve around not having to feel stressed about which parent needs to call i. Sick or who will stay with her. My part time friends or even full time working friends tell me they love to work but wish a part of them had some degree of flexibility for the hard times of lack of sleep/recuperation. And for that i am thankful and count my blessings.
Some of these things I am sure you are aware of. To me i just try to listen to TED talks or even have email subscriptions to parenting sites to help me refocus my anstyness about not working and being fully present for my family & friends. It make me realize there are so many things I would NEVER have explored, people i would never have met otherwise. I think for me being SAHM forces me to be creative about my time and I am blessed to explore this time for myself and my young kiddo for the time being.
guest
Oh yeah. & I have embraced a few mantras-

The grass is greener where you water it
Sorry for all the typos and grammatical errors. Iphone typing at it’s *best*.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@chicagowife and sparkles: I definitely will need some regular activities if I do this long-term. Since we’re still getting settled here, I still haven’t figured all that out. Also, Baby Y still takes two naps a day, one of which is around 9:30 in the morning. And just about EVERY activity for older babies/younger toddlers is around 10 a.m. So … he may have to go to one nap before we can do a lot more than park/library etc. We did sign up for an intro gymboree-type class in the evening, so we’ll see how that goes.
guest
I have 3 kids and have been a SAHM since the littlest was born (she is almost 6). For me it is something that I always wanted and I didn’t have a “career” to interrupt because my husband and I were both in school when #1 came along. I will say a few things that gets you through: 1 – have a support group of other local moms. This is essential. My friends and I often (2x’s a week or more) meet up spur of the minute at the playground, talk on the phone, or just call to “swap” kiddos. (I watch theirs one day, then they watch mine the next.) That is so important. I also am involved in my church and that makes such a big difference. 2 – Find what works for you. Children are flexible. If you want to be laid back and go with the flow, they will be fine. If you need structure and routine, they can adjust to that too. 3 – buck up! There was a reason you had a child and I don’t think it was because you wanted to let someone else raise it for you. Put on a smile, and love your children, and don’t whine about how hard it is.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
Fountainsoferin, you’re welcome to interpret my post as “whining” if you see fit. I think you have some valid points, but that kind of attitude is exactly why some moms are afraid to seek support from others, which is what this community is about. Also, a tip reminding me to love my son is the absolute last thing I need. Because I honestly don’t think it’s possible to love him any more than I already do.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@Fountainsoferin- Are you saying that women who have children and then work outside the home are not raising their own children?! From my perspective there are many ways to make a family and raise children.
I am so supportive of women who want to stay home full time. I’m also completely supportive of women who work outside full time. Oh and what about those “crazy” stay at home dad families. We must be really messed up!
There is plenty of data to show that kids raised going to daycare have no higher incidence of problems than kids who have stay at home parents. In fact, in some studies they show higher social problem solving than other kids. They have as high of achievement and no greater family problems (controlling for all other factors).
It’s about time that mamas stick together and lift each other up and not tell each other to be quiet. Where’s the love for your fellow mama?
Mrs. Yoyo, thank you so much for sharing. I bet this post is so helpful to many other people who have had similar feelings!
guest
Oh my goodness, Mrs. Yoyo, every sentence of your post resonated with me. Since high school I’d always wanted to be a SAHM. I was in my last year of post-graduate school when I became pregnant and decided to put off my career indefinitely to become a SAHM. I’ve been a SAHM for almost a year now, and can say it is, hands down, harder than anything I’ve ever done. Like you wrote, I know I am very blessed to be able to stay home, but this feeling of obligation just makes me feel more guilty every time I wish I were Anywhere But Here. And I love love love my girl to pieces, but when she’s screaming in her play yard because I stepped away for a minute to dice cheese for her snack… I felt so relieved, even validated, to read about your own similar experience. After reading your post I felt that it was okay, maybe even normal, for me to feel the way I’ve been feeling. And I, too, also secretly wish that my husband could experience what I do all day! He’s a great helper, and very involved, but even when he “takes” our LO to give me a break, I still find myself observing and thinking absurdly critical things, such as “What? You KNEW about this wet diaper but haven’t changed it yet?” and “It’s 2:00p and she hasn’t eaten lunch yet?” and “Why is she alone in the play yard while you are on the computer?” (which is, to his credit, mere feet away from the play yard). Sigh. I find it difficult, thus, to take a real break from being a SAHM. And we just moved to this city a few months before the birth, so the support system consists of webcam sessions and emails with the folks back home.
I’ve always been a night owl, and to stay sane and get “me” time, I’ve sacrificed my nighttime sleep. I often go to bed around 2 or 3 in the morning. And with the way my daughter wakes up at 6a (if I’m lucky), my huge sleep debt has already started eating at me. So I’m trying to carve out time for myself during the day, but as you know, naptimes are very precious and there are usually already too many things to do to prep for the next “round.” And at night, the husband comes home and requires care. When and how do we get cared for?
Like other comments have said, I also go to the library. I’d like to eventually attend story times and such, but for now the morning nap usually happens right around the same time as story time. So that won’t happen for a while.
I’d like to start going to the public playground, but is it weird that I feel intimidated by the other moms there? With their fashionable sunglasses, Bugaboo/Uppa-baby strollers, and put-together outfits? Hm, this is a downside to living downtown in Chicago.
For weaning, my husband hoped we would stick it out for the full first year, but I ended up pushing for it to happen 3 months earlier … yes, still some guilt about that. But just think about getting to wear a real bra again! And not leaking milk! And feeling like a normal person again and not just like a walking Source of Food! Or maybe that was just me?
I can not believe Fountainsoferin’s comment. “… love your children”?! And “don’t whine”?! This kind of thinking is exactly why I haven’t dared to voice my dissatisfaction to my family.
In rereading my comment, I see it does not contain much (if any) advice to combat the “mommy grind.” But I was so excited at finding a kindred spirit; I hope I have not vented too much. Thank you for all the encouragement you’ve given to me, just from showing me that I am surely not alone and odd in finding the life of a SAHM rather plodding at times. If I figure anything out I will come back to share, otherwise I look forward to another post from you when you do discover how to make it through the day, every day.
Hang in there, fellow SAHM-er!
pea / 7 posts
From reading the title of this post alone I felt as if I could have written this myself. After my maternity leave I decided to go back to work and I was lucky enough to be able to transition to working from home and going into my office once a week (usually during lunch time and DH would take one for the team and watch our daughter while I ran to my office). The problem was that my daughter was either crying while I was trying to talk financials with a co-worker or manager or some other mini crisis (it felt like my days were constantly filled with emergencies: blow out poops, while my cell was ringing and 10 people needed me to scan/email/sign something and they all needed it done now) and I felt not only like I was failing my daughter but I was also failing as an employee and co-worker. Ultimately it came down to either I needed to return to work full time in office or I needed to stay home full time with our daughter. After 2 months of crying, stressing and staying up until the wee hours of the morning working because I had so much mommy guilt during the day that I couldn’t focus on my work DH and I decided that my becoming a SAHM would be the best decision for our family.
At first, I felt like life was going incredible slow and now that my daughter is approaching her first birthday I can’t believe how quickly a year has gone by (and from time to time I can’t believe how little I’ve accomplished as an individual in a whole year).
Because my DH travels frequently for work we’ve kind of come to the conclusion that I’ll stay home until we’re done having kids and they’re all in at least pre-school. Until that time I think I’ll work on getting my MBA or master’s degree in my field. I want to return to the work force without a doubt, but I don’t want to re-emerge in 4 – 6 years and have no clue what the work force looks like anymore. Have you considered returning to school part time or doing any online classes? At least you’ll feel like you’re doing something for yourself and feel like you’re still accomplishing something (not that you’re not accomplishing a lot now, child rearing is the single most exhausting job I’ve ever attempted!)