Hellobee

Several weeks ago, when I blogged about our adoption timeline for Lil’ CB, someone asked me to share about our first few weeks home. And as you can tell, it’s taken me a really long time to gather my thoughts and write this post. It’s not because I didn’t want to write it; I am more than happy to share our experience… but, it’s that reliving and thinking about those first few weeks home was hard to do because 1) those first few weeks are kind of a blur since it was all about survival, and 2) those first few weeks were also such a mixed bag of different emotions.

What one has to remember about adoption, whether domestic or international, is that it begins with loss. No matter how you look at it and no matter how joyous the outcome of having a little one join your family, it is important to realize and remember that the child you are bringing into your family has suffered the loss of their birth family. Yes, it’s true that the birth family made the plan for adoption and wanted the child in a loving home, but the child did not have a choice in the matter. And while the child might have been too young to be fully aware of the loss, it is still a loss.

In our case (and in most cases in Korean adoptions), Lil’ CB was relinquished by his birth family and then lived with a very loving foster family until we were able to bring him home. While he only ever really knew his foster family, by the time we were able to take custody, I was, technically, Lil’ CB’s third mother. These thoughts were heavy on my mind and heart as we prepared to bring Lil’ CB home, but they were also coupled with overwhelming joy at the thought of finally, FINALLY being able to hold my sweet son in my arms.

For 10 long months, we had stared at Lil’ CB’s picture daily, waiting and waiting for him to come home and officially join our family. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, in Seoul, Lil’ CB happily went about his life unaware that he would be leaving his foster family when he was 15 months-old. Sure, his foster mother would show him our pictures and talk to him about his mommy and daddy waiting for him in America (she was and is amazing!), but I am sure he didn’t really comprehend any of that.

So, in December 2010, when Lil’ CB was placed in our arms, there were many tears – tears of sorrow from his foster mother as she said goodbye to the child she had raised for nearly his whole life; tears of joy as our family prepared to begin our life as three; and bittersweet and grateful tears as we said goodbye to Lil’ CB’s foster family.

Lil’ CB was probably the only one not crying! He was (and still is) a generally easy-going and happy child that he was fine leaving with us, smiling and laughing as we played with him at my aunt and uncle’s house where we stayed until we flew home 3 days later. We had read and heard many stories of children whose initial transition did not go as smoothly (tears all day long, etc), so we were cautiously optimistic, but waiting for the transition to really hit Lil’ CB. And it did hit him. At bedtime that first night. And, oh, it was heartbreaking at times.

This crying during the transition in adoption is known as grieving. And it really is grieving… grieving the loss of the only family you’ve ever known, grieving the fact that you are now in the care of virtual strangers. It was heart-wrenching to hear Lil’ CB cry and cry for “umma” (mommy in Korean) and know that he didn’t mean me. But, the grieving is also a good, healthy sign. It means that the LO has formed a bond with and knows how to attach to a caregiver. It means that he will soon form that same attachment to you, with some work and some time.

Over the weekend we had together in Seoul, things got better each day. We had lots of laughter from Lil’ CB and loved exploring Seoul together. We worked on some attachment activities – bathing together, bottle-feeding with intentional eye-contact, wearing Lil’ CB front-facing in the carrier, etc.

our first bath together in Seoul

By our third and final night together in Korea, Lil’ CB did not wake-up crying. But then we had to tackle another hurdle: our 15-hour flight home. This was probably one of the things I had feared the most… and on top of all my fears, Mr. Cowboy got sick and was fighting a fever and stomach issues the whole flight home. In the end, we got through it much better than I had anticipated, with very little tears from Lil’ CB, and we were finally home.

Once we were home, we needed to work to develop routine and a sense of normalcy and permanence for Lil’ CB. This was hard because it meant that we were “cocooning” at home. We didn’t really leave the house much and we didn’t allow visitors for the first 3 weeks home. This was hard for many reasons – our loved ones were dying to spend time with Lil’ CB and we wanted to show him off! And the help would have been great… but the most important thing during those first few weeks (and for months afterwards) was to establish attachment between Lil’ CB and his forever mommy and daddy. He needed to know that we were it – we weren’t going to leave him or hand him off to someone else, and we were always going to be there meet his needs.

“They” (the international adoption gurus) say that when an adopted child is brought home, regardless of age, their emotional age reverts back to zero. So even though Lil’ CB was 15 months old, in order to help with his attachment, when meeting his needs, we had to treat him almost as though he was a newborn. This meant not letting him cry it out, but immediately responding to him and also doing some things that most 15 month-olds are past – continuing to bottle feed him, and also spoon feeding him at meals. It also meant that Mr. Cowboy and I were the only ones that were to meet those needs so there would be no confusion about who Lil’ CB’s primary caregivers were.  This helped develop our bond and helped with attachment because it helped Lil’ CB to know that we were there to consistently meet his needs and that he could trust us.

We were so very happy, ecstatic even, to be able to do these things for our son, but throw in an active toddler who was ready to move and party and jet leg from a 13-hour time difference, and it’s pretty exhausting! It probably took us a good week and a half to help Lil’ CB get over the jet lag and establish a fairly consistent schedule. We were also playing around with sleep arrangements because Lil’ CB was used to co-sleeping, but was also interested in sleeping in his crib. (I ended up sleeping on the floor next to the crib with my arm between the slats…we did that for about a month!)

playing around in his crib on our second night home

But, through it all, we were making progress each day and the good far outweighed the exhaustion. Every day was another day we were growing closer as a family and every day our attachment grew stronger. I’d say that after about a month home, we were in a good groove and the grieving that came now and again no longer came.

one of my favorite early family photos — two weeks home

“They” also say that an adopted child is not fully acclimated to his new family and new home until he’s been home for the same amount of time as the age he was when he came to join his forever family. For us, that was March of this year. By the time we reached that milestone, it was hard to remember a time without Lil’ CB ! It was also incredible to look back and see the difference between then and December 2010 and know that it all began with those first few weeks together.

*If you or someone you know is adopting (especially internationally), here is a great resource on attachment in adoption!