Our little angels lie? Of course, the authors of “NurtureShock” say. Predictably, most lies begin when a child denies doing something he or she knew was wrong. But then it gets interesting: Because that lie is so transparent from the parent’s point of view, the parent rarely punishes the lie, instead focusing solely on the act that inspired the fib. So in the child’s eyes, the lie was no big deal.

Additionally, kids don’t “grow into” the knowledge that lying is wrong – in fact, it seems the opposite, research suggests. Instead, they start out committed to the idea that all lies, no matter what, are wrong, and gradually begin to figure out that little white lies, for instance, are okay:

In a now classic study by University of Queensland’s Dr. Candida Peterson, adults and children of different ages watched ten videotaped scenarios of different lies—from benevolent white lie to manipulative whoppers. Children are much more disapproving of lies and liars than adults are; children are more likely to think the liar is a bad person and the lie is morally wrong.

So when do our righteous children begin fibbing, and what’s their motivation? The answers to both questions may surprise you: Researchers have documented lying in 2- and 3-year-olds, and it really takes off at 4. Because these first lies seem so innocent, and a child seems so unaware of the moral quicksand behind them, parents are unlikely to seriously correct the behavior:

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The better a young child can distinguish a lie from the truth, the more likely she is to lie given the chance. Researchers test children with elegant anecdotes, and ask children, “Did Suzy lie or tell the truth?” The kids who know the difference are the most prone to lie. Ignorant of this scholarship, many parenting websites and books advise parents to just let lies go—kids will grow out of it. The truth is, kids grow into it.

It turns out that lying is a developmental milestone all its own, and the most sophisticated liars are often the smartest kids. Initially, kids lie simply to avoid punishment, but as they age, they begin to factor in social considerations and start lying to manipulate friends or enemies and control or cope with an environment. And if that pattern is successful, a child will “stick with it. About one-third of kids do—and if they’re still lying at seven, then it seems likely to continue. They’re hooked.”

Kids also lie because they think that it’s what parents want. In other words, in a kid’s mind, if they simply tell their parents what they want to hear, regardless of whether it’s truthful, everyone’s happy! This is bolstered by the fact that so many children see their own parents tell white lies to spare others’ feelings. In one study, parents watch as their children play several games with the expectation of winning a cool prize, only to wind up with a lousy bar of soap. When the kids are asked if they like their “present” —and if so, why they like it—parents behind the scenes often are proud and relieved that their child is so “polite” when they lie about liking it and why.

Add to all this the fact that it can be really difficult to tell when kids are lying. When adults lie, there are often giveaways: Our voices may rise, or maybe we’ll shift our gaze. These tip-offs and more enable law enforcement officers and others to successfully detect lies more often than not.

But it’s not that simple with kids. The book details an ongoing study of children ages 7-11 coached to tell an interviewer both a true story and a tall tale. One of each child’s stories is picked at random and grouped with others on a video. Adults who view the tape are asked to separate truth from fiction, but researchers have found they have, at best, a 50-50 shot:

People simply cannot tell when kids are lying. Their scores also tend to reveal some biases. They believe girls are telling the truth more often than boys, when in fact boys do not lie more often. They believe younger kids are more prone to lying, whereas the opposite is true. And they believe introverts are less trustworthy, when introverts actually lie less often, lacking the social skills to pull off a lie.

Parents often insist that even if they can’t tell if other kids are lying, they can tell when their own child is lying. Again, the research doesn’t back that up—the parents only score a bit better than if they’re observing someone else’s child.

From a parenting perspective, the bottom line seems to be that “parents need to teach kids the worth of honesty just as much as they need to say lying is wrong.” Given that even our toddlers are learning to fib, it’s a lesson that must start early, no matter how much easier it is to ignore a silly, childish fib, the book suggests. And parents need to stay hyper-vigilant about the lies they tell in front of their own children, no matter how well-intentioned.

Have you caught your children in any lies yet? How did you deal with them? Is it easy for you to tell when they’re lying?