Parents look forward to their kids’ teen years as much as most people look forward to a root canal. They dread constant lying, boundary-testing, and arguing that we’re told are emblematic of that stage.
Interestingly, while parents dread conflict, this doesn’t extend to their kids, the authors of “NurtureShock” say. Teens are able to bounce back from conflict quickly—they don’t take it as a sign of an unhealthy relationship, research shows. In fact, an argumentative teen may be a more honest teen.
A comprehensive study of high-schoolers in Pennsylvania tackled 36 topics that may prompt teens to lie to their parents. The average teen lied about a third of them. Predictably, drugs, drinking, and sex were chief among those topics.
Interestingly, only a quarter of the teens studied were actually blatantly lying to their parents—far more teens simply didn’t tell the whole truth, or never brought up subjects that could trigger lies. And the so-called “good kids”—honor students and the like—were no more angelic than anyone else.
But when it came to arguing, conflict was actually good in the grand scheme of things:
In the families where there was less deception, there was a much higher ratio of arguing/complaining. Arguing was good—arguing was honesty. The parents didn’t necessarily realize this. The arguing stressed them out.
Interestingly, the pattern held true in a similar study in the Philippines, where obedience to elders is a deeply ingrained cultural trait. While the teens were more obedient than their American counterparts, they actually clashed with their parents at a higher rate—before ultimately yielding to their authority.
In the U.S., the narrative of super-strict, intrusive parents pushing their teens to rebel is a popular one, but research doesn’t back it up. Those kids are submissive but depressed. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s actually the kids with the most permissive parents who lie the most. There is a sweet spot in the middle, though:
[These parents] set a few rules over certain key spheres of influence, and they’ve explained why the rules are there. They expect the child to obey them. Over life’s other spheres, they supported the child’s autonomy, allowing her to make her own decisions. The kids of these parents lied the least. Rather than hiding twelve areas from their parents, they might be hiding as few as five.
Ultimately, the popular narrative of the teen years—miserable for sullen, argumentative kids—is overblown, research suggests. Study after study has shown that three-quarters of teens report happy, healthy relationships with their parents. We always associate the teen years with doom and gloom because pop psychologists who cater to parents have been controlling the narrative—not the social scientists who actually study the teens.
Did you argue with your parents a lot as a teen? How did it affect your relationship with them?
pomelo / 5178 posts
I didn’t argue much with my parents, and even though I’d say we had a good relationship, I definitely lied to them a lot. My parents were super strict, so while I was a mostly good kid, I was really scared of telling them the truth when I screwed up.
I hope to be a little more lax with our kids. I think my parents were way too strict with me, and I really was a good kid who didn’t react well to that kind of parenting style. I hate arguing, but I guess I prefer honest arguments to cover ups and lying, so I’ll take what I can get.
honeydew / 7504 posts
I hardly ever fought with my parents, and barely ever outright lied. I would tell half-truths, like “I’m sleeping over at so-and-so'”….leaving out “with a few boys and some alcohol.” When my friends and I drank we never got wasted and we always stayed put. Hubs never argued with his parents, but he lied a lot.
I’m hoping that we can set some basic ground rules with our kids, and leave other things open for discussion. Telling them “no drinking” is great, but ultimately, probably not totally realistic. So I’d rather be honest with them and acknowledge that they will be around it and/or participating in in, and say “Look, if you drink, stay where you are or call us.”
Just using drinking as an example, cuz that’s really the only time I ever really misbehaved as a teenager.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I never argued with my parents because they taught me raisin my voice and talking back to them was disrespectful. I wouldn’t lie to them, but I was secretive.
guest
I do not lie to my parents, but I also don’t do anything that I would feel the need to lie about (drugs, alcohol, and the like). I do, however, argue with them quite frequently, but it’s usually because I feel disrespected or underestimated.
I would like to be a similar parent to my own parents, but also try to make sure that my kids know how much I love and support them. I don’t always feel like that’s true of my parents. And isn’t that what we’re all searching for? Love and be loved?
Instead of constantly harping on the mistakes they’ve made, remind them that they are loved in spite of those mistakes, and trust that they will keep those mistakes in mind the next time a similar situation arises.