It has been really important to us that Charlie and Olive grow up to be good friends!

It’s the reason why we had Charlie and Olive less than two years apart, and even partly why I liked the name Olive so much when Bee suggested it. Charlie loves olives (the food), and so I hoped that his love for olives would rub off on his love for Olive. Haha you can see here in this video that maybe it worked a little bit!

We very quickly found out that it’s hard to make two kids best friends… but it’s very easy to encourage a sibling rivalry that tears their friendship apart!  But after some initial snags, we’ve come up with a bag of tricks that has helped the kids grow closer and closer.

Olive is now coming up on a year of age (!!!), and the kids are closer than ever!  Here’s what we’ve learned about helping our kids become friends:

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1. Make the concept of “best friend” plural

At one point, Charlie started calling me his “best friend.” Then he would switch teams and call his mom his best friend. Or he would think about it and decide that Olive was his best friend.

I realized that we didn’t want him to think about love as a limited resource. There’s a great book about birth order, “Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives” that talks about how sibling jealously and rivalry can sometimes develop when kids feel that there’s a limited amount of love in the family.

So we decided to make the concept of a best friend plural, and only talk about “best friends.” Now when we ask Charlie who his best friends are, he says, “Mommy and Daddy and Olive and Grandma and [Obaachan (my mom)] and  [his nanny] and [his teachers at school] and [his friends at school].”

It actually has really helped him see that we can all best friends with each other, and that Mommy and Daddy and Charlie and Olive can all be close and love each other. Love is not always a zero sum game. Charlie really seems to understand that now, and it’s helped him become more loving than ever!

2) Don’t compare the kids

It is so easy to compare the kids, and sometimes Bee and I would even say out loud that Olive isn’t standing yet or that Charlie was much better with his hands when he was the same age as Olive.

We’ve noticed that the kids really pick up on this stuff — especially Charlie, since he can talk! So we’ve cut way back on that, and never make any explicit comparisons between the kids.

3) Don’t encourage your kids to compare themselves to each other: don’t praise for talent, but praise for hard work

In the same way, we’re careful not to compare the kids implicitly by praising one kid for their specific talents. We never call one kid “smart” or “good looking,” but instead always make a big effort to praise their work ethic instead.

I didn’t even realize that we were doing this, until we started spending time with a lot of friends and family during our recent trip! The words “smart” and “beautiful” were thrown around a lot by family, which was sweet… until I heard Charlie describe himself by saying, “I’m smart!”

That sort of stuff might eventually work itself into a sibling rivalry, as the kids start comparing themselves to their sibling all by themselves. Instead, we focus everyone on the same thing: we all work hard towards our goals, together.

4) Don’t compete with your kids

Sometimes Charlie and I “build” together, which basically consists of us sitting down and stacking blocks high into the sky! I will casually tease him that my blocks are “better,” and he will instantly snap into competition mode and tell me that his blocks are better or higher than mine!

I’ve noticed that when Olive crawls past us in those moments, that he is much less likely to be friendly with her. Or that shortly after, he will tell her that she is not good at something. Boo…

Since then, I’ve made a big effort never to compare myself to the kids – even in jest. This has been really helpful, and I think has helped the two kids become closer in recent weeks!

5) Encourage joint play

This isn’t always easy, since Charlie likes to build things but Olive likes to knock things down!

So when both kids are around, we try and encourage Charlie to play with dolls and non-knockdownable toys! It has really helped them get along!

Or we’ll give them a toy and have them both play with it.

Looking over this list, our real focus has been on creating a strong family unit. Rather than focus on loving each child individually, we’ve created a unit of four people and made it clear that we all love each other so, so much. And that we will always love and support everyone in our family.

This inclusive language has really helped nip any sibling rivalries in the bud, and have helped Charlie and Olive become loving and close! I love watching Olive lovingly gaze at her brother:

Or seeing Charlie give her a loving hug in the morning:

Ah our little munchkins… seeing you two grow to love each other has made our love for you both grow and grow and grow!

Do you ever worry about sibling rivalries between your kids?  Are your kids “best friends”?

Sibling love part 1 of 3

1. 5 ways to help make sure your kids grow up to be best friends by Mr. Bee
2. Creating a Bond Between Siblings by Mrs. Chocolate
3. Nurturing a Close Sibling Relationship by Mrs. High Heels