This post was originally written in October 2011.
Tomorrow marks four months since my baby was born.
There were days when I thought I would never make it to tomorrow. I was surprised to find that we were both alive and well at the four week mark. I was sure that at any moment I might keel over and never wake up. I was so sleep-deprived I would scratch at my eyes just to make sure my senses were still intact.
The best way I can describe those first couple months of motherhood is that it was a complete shock – a shock to the body, a shock to my identity, and ultimately to my life. I felt more like a slave than a mother. I thought living in a three-hour world would drive me mad for sure. My life became a series of feeding, burping, holding, rocking, and diaper-changing sessions, and somewhere in between I was supposed to find time to eat and sleep. When I looked in the mirror I wondered, “Who is that crazy homeless lady staring back at me?” Predictability and schedules were thrown out the window. I felt like I had lost control, lost my mind, and that my life was over.
This was not quite the picture of motherhood I had imagined before Aliya entered my life and rocked my world to the very core.
While I knew intellectually that motherhood would be an adjustment – and a difficult one at that – perhaps in some corner of my mind I thought that motherhood would be a perpetual state of bliss because I wanted a baby so badly. Instead, what I found was that it was more like a day that never ends, where I wanted someone to punch me in the face just so I could feel something. It wasn’t long before I felt guilty, worthless, and like a complete and utter failure. If all of the girls on Teen Mom could do it, why couldn’t I?
Moms repeatedly told me – “It WILL get better.” I thought they were all psycho sadistic liars who were cruel enough to not warn me how miserable this all was. Or they were all extremely well-adjusted with babies who never cried and always slept.
But slowly, things did get better.
She got bigger. She started to smile. And miracle of miracles – she learned how to SLEEP. And so did I.
These days I can hardly get enough of her.
What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
And it’s brighter than sunshine
Aqualung, “Brighter than Sunshine”
guest
So beautiful and so true. I remember those early day feelings and then when it finally did get better. Love that song, too!
grapefruit / 4669 posts
She is adorable!
guest
I know exactly how you feel. We have hit 6 months and I feel like I can breathe again and am now loving every minute.
guest
Thank you so much for sharing this… I know there is a whole new world waiting for me in January but at least I know that when I feel all of this and more I won’t be the only one. I’ll be able to look back on this post and say ‘ahhh…. i get it now”
nectarine / 2667 posts
Thank you! I so needed to read this! My baby is 2.5 weeks old & I was starting to think I was crazy for feeling the way I do. I’m so glad other women feel exactly the same way (this Groundhog Day loop is killing me). I’m also glad that sometime in the future things really WILL change for the better!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@mewtill: You are in the thick of it! Hang in there! These few weeks will be the toughest/hardest, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel (as cliche as that sounds)! Rest assured, there are plenty of women (myself included) who have felt the way you do, so you’re not crazy. Hugs to you! It will get better soon :).
guest
Gosh, I remember those feelings! I was SO TIRED. My baby is also four months old now and I really can’t get enough of him. He’s so fun! Back around week 3, I would have happily given him away to anyone who would take him!
grapefruit / 4671 posts
@mewtill: hang in there. At 6 weeks thins really do start to improve ever so slightly.
guest
Thanks so much for this post! Did you do any sleep training?
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@Kelly – I did, but not until Aliya was about 5.5 months old. We did a mild form of CIO, but we didn’t let her cry for very long and she slept well in the early months. She hit a sleep regression around 5 months so that was when I decided to sleep train.
guest
thanks so much! great post… I may need to wait a little as my LO is only 14 weeks.
guest
Thanks for the hope.. I’m in the middle of trying to operate on 2 hours of sleep for the past two nights from an overtired baby and trying to figure out what to do in order to get this kid to stop waking up so much at night! Looking forward to where you are!