This post was originally written in September 2010, when Mavrick was shy of being 3 months old. I want to discuss breastfeeding the second time around, but before I do that I wanted to share my sentiments about it the first time.  Here it goes. 

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, the one thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to breastfeed. It was something I was looking forward to oh so much. When Mavi was born, I was happy that breastfeeding was going rather well because he knew how to latch on the moment he found his way. In the hospital he liked all 3 breastfeeding positions and wasn’t fussy. But as soon as he came home, that all changed. He still latches on really well and drinks a whole lot (he’s a hungry boy). But he became fussy, he only wanted one breastfeeding position, and only the left side. It didn’t bother me that much… apart from the difference in breast size it caused.

In order to keep up my milk supply on my right side, I pumped and pumped, but it wasn’t enough to keep my milk supply going. I have milk, but not even close to as much as Mavi’s favorite side. So all this has gotten me to think a whole lot about breastfeeding, weaning and formula.

I always thought I would breastfeed for at least 6 months, but I don’t feel I have the same feelings anymore. Mavi is 2 months old now, and I just don’t know if I want to keep breastfeeding for another 4 months. Does that make me a horrible mother? Wanting to deliberately deprive him of breastmilk when I can give it to him? The mothers who wished they could breastfeed but couldn’t probably can’t even comprehend why I would stop when they never were able to start.

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I don’t know… maybe this whole breastfeeding business is making me bitter. I know it sounds horrible, since I’m talking about my baby, but this is how I’m feeling and I thought I’d be honest and share this with you. I hope maybe someone out there feels the same way, or can comprehend (a little) where I’m coming from.

I was chatting with a friend about breastfeeding and when she decided to stop. I told her just the thought of it made me feel like a bad mother, and she linked me to a must read article about formula. All of it was right on, and I felt I could relate even if I didn’t start formula yet. A particular passage in the article hit me really hard. It said:

“ABOUT SEVEN YEARS ago, I met a woman from Montreal, the sister-in-law of a friend, who was young and healthy and normal in every way, except that she refused to breast-feed her children. She wasn’t working at the time. She just felt that breast-feeding would set up an unequal dynamic in her marriage—one in which the mother, who was responsible for the very sustenance of the infant, would naturally become responsible for everything else as well. At the time, I had only one young child, so I thought she was a kooky Canadian—and selfish and irresponsible. But of course now I know she was right. I recalled her with sisterly love a few months ago, at three in the morning, when I was propped up in bed for the second time that night with my new baby (note the my). My husband acknowledged the ripple in the nighttime peace with a grunt, and that’s about it. And why should he do more? There’s no use in both of us being a wreck in the morning. Nonetheless, it’s hard not to seethe.”

Maybe that’s what is making me bitter — the whole fact that it feels like it’s MY baby and not ours. Sure the hubs does stuff with the baby and helps out as much as he can, but I can’t help but to feel bitter when I see him sleeping and I’m up in the middle of the night feeding Mavi. Plus when Mavi wakes up in the morning, I am up every morning, even on hubby’s days off while he sleeps in. I don’t have days off. EVER. So could you get up and take care of our son and let ME sleep in?!

I have to remind myself that the hubby works random day, night and graveyard shifts so it screws up his system a lot. I spoke to my husband about it, and he does help out the best he can. But I still can’t help to feel bitter. That’s why the whole formula option seems more and more appealing. I don’t want to completely stop breastfeeding — I just want to give him a bottle or two of formula. Then the hubs can spend time feeding Mavi and maybe I won’t feel this way anymore. Feeling this way is definitely not good for our marriage.

A post I read on Other Pieces of Me said, “I saw bottle-feeding as one way to make the parenting ride a bit smoother and to protect my own mental health, because I think my son will benefit most of all from a happy mother.”

A happy mother. That’s what I want to be.