This post was originally written in September 2010, when Mavrick was shy of being 3 months old. I want to discuss breastfeeding the second time around, but before I do that I wanted to share my sentiments about it the first time. Here it goes.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, the one thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to breastfeed. It was something I was looking forward to oh so much. When Mavi was born, I was happy that breastfeeding was going rather well because he knew how to latch on the moment he found his way. In the hospital he liked all 3 breastfeeding positions and wasn’t fussy. But as soon as he came home, that all changed. He still latches on really well and drinks a whole lot (he’s a hungry boy). But he became fussy, he only wanted one breastfeeding position, and only the left side. It didn’t bother me that much… apart from the difference in breast size it caused.
In order to keep up my milk supply on my right side, I pumped and pumped, but it wasn’t enough to keep my milk supply going. I have milk, but not even close to as much as Mavi’s favorite side. So all this has gotten me to think a whole lot about breastfeeding, weaning and formula.
I always thought I would breastfeed for at least 6 months, but I don’t feel I have the same feelings anymore. Mavi is 2 months old now, and I just don’t know if I want to keep breastfeeding for another 4 months. Does that make me a horrible mother? Wanting to deliberately deprive him of breastmilk when I can give it to him? The mothers who wished they could breastfeed but couldn’t probably can’t even comprehend why I would stop when they never were able to start.
I don’t know… maybe this whole breastfeeding business is making me bitter. I know it sounds horrible, since I’m talking about my baby, but this is how I’m feeling and I thought I’d be honest and share this with you. I hope maybe someone out there feels the same way, or can comprehend (a little) where I’m coming from.
I was chatting with a friend about breastfeeding and when she decided to stop. I told her just the thought of it made me feel like a bad mother, and she linked me to a must read article about formula. All of it was right on, and I felt I could relate even if I didn’t start formula yet. A particular passage in the article hit me really hard. It said:
“ABOUT SEVEN YEARS ago, I met a woman from Montreal, the sister-in-law of a friend, who was young and healthy and normal in every way, except that she refused to breast-feed her children. She wasn’t working at the time. She just felt that breast-feeding would set up an unequal dynamic in her marriage—one in which the mother, who was responsible for the very sustenance of the infant, would naturally become responsible for everything else as well. At the time, I had only one young child, so I thought she was a kooky Canadian—and selfish and irresponsible. But of course now I know she was right. I recalled her with sisterly love a few months ago, at three in the morning, when I was propped up in bed for the second time that night with my new baby (note the my). My husband acknowledged the ripple in the nighttime peace with a grunt, and that’s about it. And why should he do more? There’s no use in both of us being a wreck in the morning. Nonetheless, it’s hard not to seethe.”
Maybe that’s what is making me bitter — the whole fact that it feels like it’s MY baby and not ours. Sure the hubs does stuff with the baby and helps out as much as he can, but I can’t help but to feel bitter when I see him sleeping and I’m up in the middle of the night feeding Mavi. Plus when Mavi wakes up in the morning, I am up every morning, even on hubby’s days off while he sleeps in. I don’t have days off. EVER. So could you get up and take care of our son and let ME sleep in?!
I have to remind myself that the hubby works random day, night and graveyard shifts so it screws up his system a lot. I spoke to my husband about it, and he does help out the best he can. But I still can’t help to feel bitter. That’s why the whole formula option seems more and more appealing. I don’t want to completely stop breastfeeding — I just want to give him a bottle or two of formula. Then the hubs can spend time feeding Mavi and maybe I won’t feel this way anymore. Feeling this way is definitely not good for our marriage.
A post I read on Other Pieces of Me said, “I saw bottle-feeding as one way to make the parenting ride a bit smoother and to protect my own mental health, because I think my son will benefit most of all from a happy mother.”
A happy mother. That’s what I want to be.
clementine / 943 posts
I think a lot of moms have those same feelings, especially the ones of responsibility. For me, we have partially dealt with this same issue by switching to giving our son bottles of pumped milk for his middle of the night feeding. I still get up and pump, but my husband gives the baby his bottle and then puts him back to bed. Sometimes we are back to bed at the same time, but sometimes he stays up and deals with “Monster Baby Who Will Not Sleep”. During the day, I am the one staying home, dealing with fussy baby and dirty diapers. So, it feels a little more even, and I feel less resentment when he wants to sleep in on his day off- most of the time :).
I struggle with the weight of all that responsibility on my shoulders. It’s really affected my perspective on how to separate my own individual life from that of “my life with my baby”- basically, feeling tied to the baby or the pump and having to think about that every time I want to make plans. It’s a LOT to kind of work through your head, knowing that you are The Only One Who Can Feed Your Child. So, I get wanting to share that responsibility, no matter how you make that work (whether a bottle or two of formula or pumped milk).
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
@Pink Champagne: I definitely felt resentement towards my husband because I was doing it all… but trust me the second time around it’s a whole other story. It amazes me.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
I agree!
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
thank you SO much for posting this – it is as though you’re reading my mind or stole the words from my personal blog…I’m starting to introduce formula partially because of supply issues and partly because I am losing my mind as the sole nourisher (pretty sure I just made that word up – you catch my drift…) up at night and with baby round the clock. so reassuring to hear that others have felt/are feeling the same way.
GOLD / pear / 1845 posts
With my first, my husband got up with the baby and changed her diaper before I nursed, and often changed her again when she was done. Easier to suffer together. This time around it seemed more important that he sleep so that he could handle the toddler during the day.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
That’s an interesting position the new mother put herself in. In my family and in my circle of breastfeeding friends, not one single mom gets up in the night to get the baby who needs to be breastfed. The father is there to answer that cry, change the baby, settle the baby and bring it to the sleeping mother, who in the five minutes it took for the father to do his job, has arranged the pillows in her bed so she can breastfeed the baby. Then, when the baby is done, the father brings the baby back to its crib, bassinet or whatever. We had our baby in the room with us when he was new…on my husband’s side of the bed. I can count on one hand how many diapers I’ve changed in the middle of the night.
Now at 10 months, my husband would never think to wait for me to get up in the morning on the weekend to get the baby and change him into a fresh diaper and then bring him into bed for me to nurse. He’s usually left for work before we get up, so I do it on most weekdays, but if he’s home when M wakes up, it does not matter if he might be late for work, he goes to his baby, changes him, and brings him to me. Even on two hours of sleep and jet-lag like you’ve never imagined, he goes and gets his baby.
The division of duties between parents is what you make it and while I fully agree that a breastfeeding mother forms a special bond, I respectfully disagree that she has to do all the work. It’s a valid concern and if you want to breastfeed (which is still very much a personal decision and not necessary) it can be addressed by setting expectations and being clear on what roles family members will play. That your partner won’t be doing enough shouldn’t be the deal-making decision whether you breastfeed or not.
guest
I do struggle with feeling that way, but like you said, there’s no reason both of us should be exhausted in the morning, but its still hard to look over and see him sleeping. Plus I see him with our friends’ older kids and I know he’ll be amazing with our kiddo once he’s a bit older.
But, ultimately I have to make the decision that the way I feel is my responsibility, not his. I can choose to be resentful or I can choose to cherish these fleeting moments with my baby, be thankful for my husband’s job that supports us, and glad that I can help him get the sleep he needs to do his job well.
Just another way to think about it!
guest
I’m in the same boat as
pomegranate / 3383 posts
@Mrs. Stroller: I completely agree with you! Being the ‘nourisher’ doesn’t automatically make you a single parent come nighttime. When my LO was younger and would wake up for nighttime feeds, I would nudge my DH and he would get up and bring the baby to me. He would then put the baby back in his crib when he was done eating. After a couple of months I would do the pick-up and DH would do the drop-off. There was never a question that he would help out at night. Funny that you mention what happens in your group of mom friends as it is the opposite with ours. I am pretty sure we were/are the only couple where the wife/mom didn’t say “don’t worry, I’ll take care of it all” and the dad was relinquished from his duties.
guest
(Contd) the poster above- I choose to cherish these moments. And, men and women are built differently. We have the boobs and therefore the milk for the baby. We were built to nurture and feed our babies. Perhaps it’s a letter of viewing the whole matter from a different perspective. It’s not about what’s fair (in which case a perceived imbalance will lead to resentment). Husband and wife each bring different things to the table and a harmonious balance needs to be found.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
@Sammyfab: wellllll we struggled to have our baby so we’re near the last in the group. Lucky for us it meant there were plenty of my girlfriends’ husbands to reach out to my husband (without my knowing in most cases) to explain to him “how it’s done.” Forever grateful for those dads, although now that I see how DH is with M, I’m pretty sure he would have stepped up without those “tips.”
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
@Mrs. Superhero: That’s why this time around I’m okay with being the only person to feed Sienna seeing he’s taking care of Mavrick the rest of the time. It’s equal.
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
@Mrs. Stroller: interesting. I wish I knew what others did 2 years ago. Now our situation is different, but I don’t regret any of our choices. We simply made it work.
cherry / 119 posts
when my LO was a newborn, i was a little bitter that my husband was sound asleep while i was nursing. i felt bad asking him to get up since he’s a surgeon and i knew he needed to be well-rested. at the same time however, she definitely has a preference of me over daddy which i secretly love because i know that won’t last forever. i feel like that preference was due to the bond we built while breastfeeding. after a few months my husband did learn other ways to help out. he wakes up in the morning to get her, change her, etc before he hands her to me. she’s almost 1 now, and she only nurses in the mornings, so i know our breastfeeding journey is about to come to an end. i’m actually a little sad about this.
guest
I think this is a very valid feeling to bring up, and I don’t think it is mentioned enough when people discuss the pros & cons of breastfeeding. I’m in the same situation of being the only one to feed my baby because she also refuses the bottle. The dependency and sense of unequal parenting did bother me a lot, but now that my daughter is 9 months old things have balanced out a bit, and my husband takes more initiative in stepping in. PLAIN & SIMPLE, BEING A MOTHER IS FREAKING HARD. Part of the difficulty is that the tremendous rewards require a lot of time and patience… I think I started to feel like a competent human after… 6-8 months of motherhood?
The longer I am a mother, the more I realize that there’s no “right” way to do things, and women need to feel okay with however they choose to raise their children, but obviously, that’s a lot easier to say than do. IMO as long as your baby is loved and cuddled and learning to love this world (they never asked to be here in the first place), I think it’ll turn out okay.
persimmon / 1472 posts
I do feel a little huffy at times when I’m up for the “n”th time with DD in the middle of the night when is having a rough night, and for a while I just accepted it since I liked nursing DD. What’s the point if waking DH to feed if I need to pump anyway right? Well about 6 months in, things changed slightly. Yes I am still the one that gets up with DD for her one night feeding, but DH will get up with her in the mornings once she’s done nursing to play with her for 30-45 minutes before he gets ready for work, which lets me sleep in a bit. This little change made a huge difference and I am hoping to make it to my one year goal (DD is currently just shy of 9 months old).
cherry / 160 posts
Im glad you posted this too. I just introduced formula for the first time today. After a while it is a draining experience for some women. Part of you feels selfish and another part of you misses your body and sanity.
guest
For any mother’s reading this trying to decide to wean or not to wean:
I get where you are coming from re the immense responsibility involved with growing your baby from the outside (like you did from the inside), having babies really is a big responsibility, and a big adjustment to your life. We have an 8 month old breastfed infant, and there are certainly days as his main food provider, when I just wish I could step out and feel alone for a minute. Then I remember that he will be moving out and having his own family soon enough, and this period of dependence will be but a memory. The kind of start he gets in life, however, is something he will have to live with for his entire life.
It’s important to move away from thinking of breastfeeding and formula feeding as equal ‘choices’, they are very different in their design, and formula is a (poor) acceptable substitute, where there is not a way to provide breastmilk. Their mother’s breastmilk is the biologically appropriate food for infants, the milk from another mother of the same species is the next most appropriate food in the situation where a mother is unable to produce milk for her own child, and synthetic infant formula is available as a last resort as per the World Health Organisation recommendations. Thinking of breastmilk as optional and formula as perfectly acceptable in substitute skews the important information regarding feeding our babies.
Breastmilk is normal and healthy, infant formula carries risks.
The true extent of these risks are only becoming apparent as the first formula fed children reach middle and old age.
This comment in no way diminishes the importance of finding support for the breastfeeding mother, it’s not an easy job. And the hormones, Oh the hormones! But a well supported breastfeeding mother, will find it easier to confront these feelings and find ways to work through the period of adjustment every family faces with the addition of an infant. Find a way to get the support you need, and that will help you be a happy mother.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
I think this is such a normal mama feeling and I know I will go through it myself. I hope I am lucky enough to breastfeed, but at the same time have discussed with DH that I’d like to supplement bottle feeding earlier on than usual, so that we can both be feeding LO once he is here. I think it will be a key balancing factor in our roles as parents and my role as a HAPPY mother.
pea / 11 posts
I think its a pretty normal feeling, to feel resentment over the lack of help from a husband…..but, its not something that I personally feel. I think its a choice…
My husband is very helpful when he is home, and very supportive of me in everything I do. But he does not wake up in the middle of the night to help with our LO, and I don’t ask him to. Infact, in the first few days and weeks of our LO’s life, my husband took a sleep aid(at my suggestion) so that he would be able to rest better and not be disturbed so much when I left the bed to care for our LO.
We’ve made a “unspoken” pact of sorts though between the two of us….we both wake up at the same time every morning (5:30am), and go to bed at the same time every night (whenever we’re done with everything for the day….sometimes early, sometimes late) even on weekends. so aside from my waking up to care for my 4.5 month old son during the night. (whether its feedings, or diaper changes, or just comforting) we are on equal, level playing fields in my mind. Why?
my job…my work place….if you will….is at home. it is a choice I made to stay home with my children. I used to have a full time career, before my 4.5 month old’s birth. but now, my job is to care for my children, my home, and homeschool my step son.
My husband’s job is outside of the home, He is on call 24/7 and he deals with endless stress at work on a daily basis.
So for me to resent him, when he works his butt off to allow me the priveledge of staying home with my LO and caring for him, instead of going back to work and putting him in daycare, would be selfish in my opinion.
In fact, when he comes home from work, I want him to be able to rest. I encourage him to rest.
staying home for me is a blessing and a priveledge that I cannot and will not take for granted….
truly, I feel like its all abot perspective.
pomegranate / 3604 posts
and *that* is why he gets ONE bottle a day, just to give me a break. The kid demands much and I am only human (and DH is really, really good at only limiting him to one bottle a day, because somedays, geesh.).
And I have to admit that DH helps a lot – some days I basically throw the kid at him and go do something BY MYSELF (usually sleep) for an hour or two when he gets home.
Also. Side-by-side nursing. Best.Thing.Ever.
(And, also, bed sharing. Kid always roots around when he’s hungry – but there’s absolutely no crying because I can feed him before he gets to that point. I can also doze while he nurses) <–I realize that may not work for everybody, but for us it works wonderfully.