Hellobee

I can totally relate. DH and I both work full time out of the home, but he also makes time for his hobbies – for example he takes 4-5 hours a weekend to rehearse with his band. I found myself feeling so resentful of him spending that time but when I really thought about it I was rarely asking him to take solo parenting duty while I went and did something I wanted to. Part of that comes from EBF, I hate pumping and don’t want to do it if I don’t have to, and I can’t go away for 6 hours without pumping, but part is just feeling like I’m her mommy and I shouldn’t want a break from her. I’m trying to find myself an activity that I can schedule on a regular basis so I can have that time to recharge and not feel guilty about it, but it’s hard!

Yes yes! My husband has a really stressful job so I dont envy his work obligations, but sometimes I think it takes being a full-time parent to understand what it feels like….I am always the default, buck stops here parent. I can’t sleep through his middle of the night cries, I don’t leave him during the day and make other things my priority. It is like the moment I went into labor I became the sole person responsible for a whole human beings, I know my husband feels responsible for him in many ways—especially to provide!— but I can’t describe the difference, it is in the bones, it is a sea change, a complete physical and emotional change from the person I was before. Does that make sense?

Perfect example. We are trying to figure out a family vacation to take right now. At the moment he wants beach condo within close driving distance. I want to fly or cruise somewhere blue and gorgeous. Finances play a role in this of course, but my main problem is that I want to go somewhere that feels different from my life right now. I love my life, but packing it up and doing the same stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) at a condo feels nothing like a vacation to me. I need some variety! Or at least a mental break from the drudgery.

LO isn’t even 3 weeks old yet and I’m already there! I’m very social and DH is more of an introvert, but I’m the one home all day with somebody who is 100% dependent on me, and who can’t even talk, while he works. He gets half an hour each way to relax, and his lunch break…at least I get to take naps…oh yeah, because I’m up with LO all night. We’re still figuring out our dynamic.

A thousand times yes. I feel the same way, but in a strange way I don’t want to take any steps to change it because it would mean being away from LO. I think the biggest issue for us is that he doesn’t think if terms of “what to do with LO” where I do. If he has a late day at work, or a dentist appt or even just wants to go hang out with friends, for the most part he just does. He will tell me that has an appt or ask ‘Do we have anything Friday night? I want to go hang out with Soandso’. If I want to do any of those things, I need to ask someone if I can (in a sense). Can you watch her while I’m at the dentist. Can you make sure you’re home by 6pm on the 17th so that I can have dinner with my friends etc. It’s just a given that I will always be there unless I ask someone else to be and that is a really difficult part of your independence to give up.

I think resentment is normal if your partner is maintaining thier leisure activities while you simply can’t. What worked for us is incorporating our LO in to our shared activities when possible, such as camping and hiking. We also have an unspoken rule that we each get the same amount of time away. If he goes golfing on Saturday, I go shopping on Sunday, or if I go out with friends one weekend night, he watches football with his friends the next weekend. Unfortunately we don’t get much time to spend alone as a couple at this point (LO is 7 months), but I think we realize this is temporary until will live closer to family or find a sitter we can trust.

It’s the sleep for me. I am so happy being the one to stay home with the kids, but I have felt very resentful of his sleep, even though he is also running a bit short. I have a hard time when he gets snappy from being tired because I am exhausted all the time and don’t use it as an excuse for grumpiness. Small things though, he’s generally a great parent.

Oh I hear you!! Little man is only 7 weeks, but I’m already feeling resentful at times. Like you I totally encourage my husband to go do things – he’s in a weekly basketball league, a weekly pitch league, and he snowboards on weekends. I know being active keeps him happy, and I’ve always been more of a homebody, but simply KNOWING I can’t do anything I want anytime I want bothers me. I have an hour long massage scheduled for this weekend – I can’t wait!!

@prettylizy: This is exactly the thing. If he has a haircut, he just goes. If I have a haircut, then I have to figure out what to do with our son. I think this is one of those things you just can’t understand until you’re in it, and it’s also one of the things that has made the adjustment to having a child so huge.

I had a huge meltdown about this 2 weeks ago, and he’s really trying to work with me, but it’s just so different between us. It doesn’t help that I go to work and my son goes with me, so I never get a break from him, and yet I still have work responsibilities. A lot of women have expressed being envious over my situation, but I am here to attest…it is really hard.

YES. I work out of the home, but I’m responsible for drop off and pick up at daycare (it’s assumed, given my husband’s schedule). And I feel like T is constantly on my mind, anticipating his needs and schedule whereas DH is much more reactive.

@bree72: EXACTLY. I am in desperate need of a haircut (and bikini and eyebrow wax, and manicure and pedicure, and visit to the gym) but I feel like I have to get “permission” from my husband to do it whereas my husband just schedules it and that’s that.

Last weekend, my husband suggested I go to dinner with a friend (who has a 1 month old) and both husbands stayed home with the babies while the ladies drank prosecco and ate Italian food at a little italian restaurant. Major brownie points.

This post and these comments are totally how I feel.

@prettylizy: Yup, that’s how it is for me, too. I usually schedule things like dentist appointments or eye appointments on national holidays, knowing that my husband will have the day off. It’s way too hard to take the baby with me to the dentist or eye doctor!

My hair, though… That’s my one “thing”. I schedule hair appointments (cut + color) every 8-12 weeks. I pretty much make the appointment and tell Papa Jumper when it is.

@MrsJumpRope: “Now that the baby is here, I feel like my life has been put on hold while his is full steam ahead.” A thousand times yes! Your post brought tears to my eyes because so much of it hit so close to home for me. In so many ways it seems like DH’s life hasn’t changed all that much, whereas mine is 180 degrees from where it was a few short months ago. Even though I went back to work, I spend a lot of time at work doing things to better accommodate BabyGloss’s schedule . . . I don’t think DH has resceduled a deposition or blocked off part of his calendar for sleep training!

@Mrs.Sketchbook: “I am always the default, buck stops here parent.” This! I haven’t had more than 4.5 hours of continuous sleep in 17 weeks, and yet I am the one making all of the decisions and acting as the major driving force behind everything else (household maintenance and such).

@PrettyLizy: This.

@WinnieBee: The logistics of what to do with BabyGloss always falls to me . . . the mental gymnastics required to keep it all straight and how best to streamline would be exhausting even with good sleep.

I just wanted to add that I while I hate to know that anyone else is struggling (for lack of a better word), reading these replies has made me feel so much less crazy.

I sometimes feel this way, but I am lucky that my husband is very supportive and wants me to have an active life of my own, so he encourages me to have time for myself and with friends. Because we have moved to a new city where we know very few people, we don’t really have anyone to watch LO. So unfortunately, we do have to split up and do our own thing every so often, but it works, for the most part. He’s going out tonight after work with his colleagues, but on Sunday I’m taking the train to the city to see my friends for a Golden Globes/Girls season 2 premiere viewing party. I’m so looking forward to the break!

@Mrs. Jump Rope: I’m fanatic about my hair too! lol!! The ONLY appt I missed since getting pregnant was because I was in labour. I have a hair appt next Friday morning and he is taking the morning off work to watch her. Otherwise I would have found SOMEONE else to watch her. This mama loves getting her hair cut anc colored.

Now that I’m back at work I feel like my husband and I are on more equal footing. I’m blessed that we’ve got a situation where it’s a more 50-50 split of responsibilities. Pumping for our son takes a big mental toll on me & DH saw that so he’s been trying hard to pick up other chores. (Honestly, I went through a depression a few years ago that scared the pants off him and I think he’s terrified I’ll had PPD so he’s doing everything he can to take pressure off me. THIS makes me feel extremely guilty).

That said, he still gets to do stuff like go to Mexico for a friend’s wedding in April, while it’s not even an option for me. I can’t be the representative, who will feed the baby?

i can totally relate, especially regarding sleep too. during the early months, i felt this way more, and after discussing with my husband, we decided to put LO in daycare twice a week. this way i have some me time to workout, run errands, get a pedicure, etc. it has definitely helped keep my sanity!

Honestly, I think you are being a little too hard on yourself. I’m not sure how you couldn’t be resentful. Maybe I’m a horrible shrew of a wife but there is no way that my husband would be going on overnight trips with friends or spending afternoons golfing (unless it was a special occasion) as long as our son is a toddler- especially if I was a WAHM. That’s BS. I don’t know if it’s because we are in our mid 30s and have a “been there done that” mentality but neither me or my husband really get any “me” time outside of haircuts or grocery store trips and we’re ok with it. None of us parents get to do the things we used to do pre-baby- that’s what we signed on for when we decided to have a family. Is it going to be like that forever? Of course not. But it’s reality right now. Priorities should change. Taking care of a toddler is a full-time job and requires sacrifice from both parties.

@dookie32: I agree with you. There is no way my husband would be taking multiple trips with friends while I stay home with our son. Only business trips….I don’t think that is OK at all. It’s one thing to go out with friends for a few hours, but overnight trips away while you can’t have any? I don’t think that is fair.

I definitely think you both need to try to fit in more date nights! My husband and I have had date nights once a week since shortly after our son was born. Just 1 1/2 hours out to dinner is a nice break for us and keeps us closer.

I can absolutely relate. My husband was great about everything in the early weeks, but he got back to his normal routine eventually and my life is still drastically different than it ever was. It has gotten a lot easier since Liam has been sleeping through the night, but there are still moments when I feel resentful.

@dookie32: I feel like I need to defend my husband a little bit here.

90% of the problem is me feeling guilty. I had the opportunity to accompany him on one trip last summer (ten days in Italy) and passed it up because I couldn’t stomach te idea of being away from the baby so long.

His other two summer trips were one overnight camping trip, and one long weekend in Vermont. It’s the one time a year he sees this set of friends (two diff groups) so I encouraged his trip.

My girl friends don’t take weekend getaways. I don’t enjoy going to the spa or camping. To be completely honest, I don’t really have anywhere to go!

I need to be more proactive about wanting to run errands alone, or going to the mall myself more often. Our priorities did change, which means my love for shopping was definitely put on the back burner

@MrsJumpRope: I’m in the same boat as you in regards to not having anywhere to go. I never thought going grocery shopping could be fun but when it is one of the few things you get to do by yourself it can be AMAZING.

@Mrs. Jump Rope: Thanks for explaining more. Could you join a local mom’s group? Perhaps get out and do things with other mom’s? Can you just go to dinner/lunch with your friends while your husband watches the baby?

@Jenn23: I looked into a Moms group last spring. At the time, the kids were all 3+. I recently emailed the leader, and found out that there are still no kids her age in the group. It seems silly to join when she won’t benefit from playing with kids her age.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation, and we are setting up a monthly play group. We’re all within an hour of each other, so we’ll take turns hosting but will only meet monthly. The 5 moms all have kids in the same age range, so I’m looking forward to this.

@Mrs. Jump Rope: Similar situation here. He just has more opportunities for overnight trips, and I really don’t mind him going. I just feel left behind some. But I have a girl’s trip planned for France this summer, and he has to take care of our son for 5 days alone. I’ve never been alone for more than a night, so I’m sure he has his work cut out for him. It’s really just the every day logistics that really start wearing on me, so I’m excited about the prospect of him really getting a taste of it while I’m away.

@bree72: It’s hard for me to take trips. First, where are we going to go? Secondly, most trips I can think of that I’d even want to take (like Vegas!!) would be more than just a weekend (it’s a 5 hour flight).

Papa Jumper only gets so much vacation and sick time at work. He takes one week for our family vacation, and a second week so he’s home between xmas and New Years.

If I were to take a trip with the girls somewhere, he’d have to take off work (who else would watch the baby?) so we’d be 1. Losing my income and 2. Losing either our family vacation, or his week home after Christmas. Neither option sounds like fun to me!

i think moms just feel more guilt, which in turn makes us more resentful because it feels like we’re doing so much more work as a parent… and a lot of that “work” is us worrying!

I can’t even manage to make it through this post–the feelings are still so raw for me! Resentment turns to anger and this week even turned into an argument in front of the kids. Absolutely not healthy, and absolutely not sure how to deal with it.

@MrsBee: I know I definitely feel more guilt than my DH . . . I think your analysis is insightful and thought-provoking!

@WoodenTulip: Have you thought about seeing someone just so you can have a “safe” environment to talk and vent?

Thanks for this post. I think all moms feel elements of resentment jealousy and guilt too. I felt this way when I was home on maternity leave. Its a curious combination of feelings, but nothing to be ashamed of, and actually quite normal

I completely relate, I just told my husband that I do not want to be superwoman and that I sometimes need a break. He can usually somewhat pick up on clues when I need a girl’s day with my friends or mom/sisters, whoever he is less observant on the cues to help out around the house. I just want someoen to help with laundry/dishes/cleaning so we can both enjoy the baby.

I totally agree.

We made a point of doing as much as we could with baby in tow. Much of what we like to do is eat, drink, and listen to music. So out to dinner or to an ouotdoor concert, we always take the baby.

Breastfeeding I think amplifies the resentment, because its really hard to leave for any period of time when a LO literally depends on you.

Now that our LO is 2.5 years old and weaned, I find it much easier to ask for and get some time on my own.

My husband and I are not pregnant yet but I really worry about this a lot. I know it happens, I understand why it happens but how to ease the tension? Do any of you ladies have advice on talking with your husbands before the baby comes that would make this transition easier? Did you maybe see a therapist or talk to a friend who gave you some good advice? Please share your wisdom

Sigh… Yes and yes, though I’ve gotten better at realizing I shouldn’t feel resentful but I should try harder to give myself breaks. The mommy guilt is really the worst – I, too, felt like I shouldn’t want to be away from her when I’m not at work and I should maximize my days off with her. In the past two months (DD is now 11.5 months) is when I started asking DH for nights off to go out. It is getting easier to leave her to enjoy some alone time and when DH plans outings or trips, I am much happier to give the A-OK.

Ugh, I’m so glad I’m not alone!!

I’m a SAHM and love it – but I sure do miss my alone time! At the same time though, I enjoy the time I get to spend with LO and don’t want to miss much of it….plus, I don’t have many places to go alone haha.
DH, on the other hand, gets a nice 40 minute drive to and from work everyday, plus any other times that he’s alone to even just be with his own thoughts. There have been quite a few times (our LO is 5m old) that I’ve called DH to ask when he’ll be home and he’s getting his hair cut or at the bar for a drink with coworkers….whereas these are options I never get (I’m also EBF).

Last week he was desperate to go on an annual ski trip with his friends and family 5 hours away. It wasn’t realistic for LO to go (he doesn’t travel well), so I asked DH to consider staying home just for this year, but it apparently was the end of the world to him. He went for his first trip overnight and it was LO’s worst night of sleep yet. He stated that he thought he “deserved” the time away for being a pretty awesome DH and Dad….
Well, ok, but what do I get?

It’s so hard to not become overly resentful and angry. I try to bring it up when times are calm, but it’s just really not something I think he can fully understand, unfortunately.

@MG: before & during pregnancy DH & I talked often about what our expectations were for when the baby arrived. Would his work hours change, how long my leave would be, how we’d handle night duty, etc. In our pre-baby life we tried for a fair split of the chores, so we were already in that mindset for the baby. I nurse, he changes diapers. He walks the dog, I make dinner. I drop off at daycare, he picks up. I’m also super honest about when I feel overwhelmed or like stuff is unbalanced. Even with all that, there are so many things you never anticipate with a baby! Communication is the best tool.