Every mom is different. Every baby is different. And each family’s situation is different.
Our varying situations, life experiences, personal family history, beliefs, values, parenting philosophies, passions, personalities, education, etc. will inevitably shape the way we parent our children and build our families. I am of the mindset what works for one baby/parent/mother/family may not work for another. This is also why I abhor the “mommy wars.”
Working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. Breastfeeding vs. formula-feeding. Disposable diapering vs. cloth diapering. Purees vs. baby-led weaning. Cry-it-out (CIO) methods vs. attachment parenting. Natural births vs. the epidural. The list is endless.
Just to give you a bit of background: I am a full-time working mom. The only “birth plan” I had was to get the epidural as soon as I was allowed. I tried to breastfeed (I had every intention to try to do so until my daughter turned one, or at the very least until the end of my maternity leave at around the six-month mark), but by two months my daughter was exclusively on formula. We use disposable diapers, and we did a modified version of CIO when we sleep-trained Baby Checkers at five-and-a-half months.
I have many friends who are stay-at-home moms. Some of my working mama friends wish they could stay at home, but are not able to because they need to have a dual income. I have other stay-at-home mama friends who wish they could work, but financially it makes more sense to stay at home than to pay the hundreds/thousands needed to cover daycare expenses. I have friends who are strong proponents of sleep-training; others who have never sleep-trained and prefer to co-sleep. Every mama is different.
I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by mothers who are supportive of one another, whether we work or stay at home, breastfeed or formula-feed, sleep-train or co-sleep. Ironically, the one time I felt judged by another parent was in the world of social media, when a father made a comment about those who allow their children to cry-it-out and how they all must be masochistic, selfish, evil human beings (I will refrain from stating verbatim the vulgarities he used in this space). There was also another time (before I had children) when someone once informed me I would definitely decide to stay at home if I wanted to do what was best for my family. Well, I never . . .
In my experience, it seems the mommy wars have been perpetuated by the media and internet forums (where it is quite easy to pass judgement and say whatever to whomever with no real consideration for a person’s situation or feelings), and less by real-life moms I have met. In fact, I have found being a mom has allowed me to make more connections with new people I meet, and less polarizing than I had imagined it would be. I could run into another mom in the market, or at church, or in the infant section at Target and all it takes is a “How old is your little one?” to make an instant connection.
Being a parent is hard enough without having someone else tell you all the things you are doing “wrong” as a mother. The way I see it, as mothers we are in the trenches together, and are doing the best we can to raise our little ones in the best way possible.
HB Mamas, I am curious to know about your experiences! Have you found motherhood to be an avenue for more connections, or have you found it to be very polarizing at times?
pomegranate / 3314 posts
Like you, I also abhor the “mommy wars”. Unfortunately, because of where I live (as I find so many of the parenting “philosophies” tend to be regional or influenced by social demographic) I often feel alone. I am the “epidural – tried HARD, but failed at breastfeeding – disposable diaper – reluctant SAHM – CIO” type. However, I’m not militant about any of these things – maybe because I’m in the minority and I’m not up for the arguments that would take place if I were to take that route.
I can’t say that I’ve had any major incidents with other moms/parents, but the little things do add up – from people online saying that those who do CIO are “monsters” or are ignoring their babies because they’re lazy to those who refer to formula as poison to being told by strangers (on the internet, of course!) that I just didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed/didn’t want it badly enough. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t sting a little – or sometimes, a lot.
coconut / 8279 posts
THANK YOU!
I read online once that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to parenting. The best we can do is support eachother as individuals. In the beginning I put so much pressure on myself. I live in a very pro-attachment/natural/breastfeeding community, it’s wonderful. But I soon came to realize that my baby was wow, an actual person, who’s just as unique as anyone else, haha. He did not want to be swaddled. He would not be ‘worn’. He wanted to eat real food.
I think as mothers we’re often too hard on ourselves. Whether it’s getting back into shape after giving birth (whether that’s bradley-hypno-home-vbac-epidural-csection), breastfeeding, buying the best gear, to co-sleep, to sleep-train, to wean, to not wean. Motherhood is life-changing and challenging enough as it is. You need to be kind to yourself.
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
I think I’ve been very lucky to find mommy friends that are not at all judgmental of each other. I know that there are some snootier moms around here but I’ve managed to avoid them so far. That will change once my kids start school, but hopefully I’ll still manage to find the non-judgey ones to befriend.
blogger / cherry / 192 posts
the one part of motherhood that no one warns you about is the thick skin you have to develop when it comes to fielding comments from other moms or just general know-it-alls. what I’ve found is that acceptance is typically met with acceptance – and when it’s not, smile, nod, and walk away.
guest
This is sort of related…(and definitely worth the read)…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/kara-gebhart-uhl/mom-judgments_b_1319775.html
grape / 75 posts
great post!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@Merriment: Actually, I have read that article. It’s a great one!
@Mrs. Markers: Great advice!
clementine / 930 posts
Great post. I’m not a mom yet (hopefully will have a healthy baby come August) but have not seen too much judginess among my friends. I did however have a 19 year old I barely know ask me if I was going to have my baby in a hospital, and when I said yes she told me all about how home birth is safer and better and how that’s what she’d be doing. I kindly tried to explain my rationale of being 30 minutes from the nearest hospital and was pretty much dismissed and told hospitals are horrible places.
I agree that every mom and situation are different, and its frankly no ones business what choices we each make for our bodies, babies, and families.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
Yup. I once heard that becoming a mom gives you entrance into a very exclusive club, the “Mom Club.” Dads can’t join, and it’s a club where you have a bond with pretty much every mom out there, regardless of background. We’re all in this together!
honeydew / 7488 posts
Totally with you. I hate the mommy wars. I find that I am definitely the toughest critic of myself, and the internet is both a blessing and a curse. People are open and willing to share information. But the flip side is that you have to be confident in your choices and not let others’ opinions get you down. It’s kind of like you need a constant filter on to decide, am I going to ignore this info or actually take it to heart and it’s exhausting sometimes? Even in a caring and friendly community like HB, I have to frequently remind myself that another mom’s choices are not necessarily for me and not to feel pressured or down on myself for not making the same choices. Thanks for this post!
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@MaisyMay: I find that a lot of parents have welcomed me into the Parenting Club!
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
Ever since we became first time parents, our motto is “do whatever works best for your family”. Whenever people ask us for advice, we always pre and post empt it with this! Every parent is different… every child is different… every situation is different and I do my best every day to not pass judgement on anyone for any choices they make. Parenting is such a personal and all-encompassing thing, and that makes it such a hot button topic, like religion or politics. But unlike the latter two, I think it’s 100% correct that there is NOT an overarching right or wrong when it comes to parenting styles.
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
“as mothers we are in the trenches together.”
THANK YOU. AMEN.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
Clap clap clap! Well said. I agree that the Internet totally amplifies things, whereas it’s much easier to figure out things we have in common IRL.
The only thing I’ll admit “judging” on these days is out-and-out safety issues. I recently saw someone literally toss their toddler into a car seat without strapping them in, and then take off. You can bet I judged that person!
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
I don’t have kids yet and I love this post!! My DH asked me about a possible controversial parenting situation and my response was pretty much exactly what you said here. There is enough pressure to doing that right thing as a mother, why would I want to judge another mother for doing what they think is right. It is none of my business unless it directly affects me.
Saving this to my favorites because I’m sure when I have kids, someone will judge me for my choices.
GOLD / papaya / 10206 posts
Oh the mommy wars, what a slippery slope it can be. As a first time mom I am often checking myself mentally to keep from judging other mama’s. It’s so easy to cast judgement, but as everyone has said, EVERY SINGLE situation is so different, and there are so many other factors that might not be apparent up front. I know a lot of people might judge me for my choices so I try to adopt a live and let live mentality.
grapefruit / 4817 posts
Honestly, I don’t find myself at war with other moms, but with the older generation. I am constantly being told how to raise my child by family and friends all my parents age and older. I find that way more stressful than my friends and I acknowledging that we all do it a little differently.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@bree72: True! I got some slack from in-laws about a few things I mentioned.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
I have met a lot of judgement all people. When my three boys were very young I was at the receiving end of a lot of snotty remarks about getting myself into this mess and using birth control. (Like I choose to have three infants at the same time).
Now that my son is in preschool I am finding a whole new world of mommy cliques. It’s almost like it was in high school. There’s the cool kids and then everyone else. Luckily my self esteem is much better than it was back then. I really don’t care that much about who chooses to talk to me but it just seems odd to me that it happens.
guest
It’s not even the mommy wars that are hard
to deal with I find there is a very supportive
group of moms in the area I live in. My family
and the way they have been judging me because
the choices I want to make as a mom is the absolute
worse. I had to move back in with my parents because
I was laid off after I found out I was pregnant and I had
also left my baby’s father. My mom is very set in her ways
and expects that I do everything her way. She also acts as if
she is the one having the baby not me and the rest of the family
judges my choices because I want to cloth diaper and make
my own baby food and I only want to use products I know are good for my baby. That has to be the worst to deal with.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@Oceanis723: I’ve thought about how this might change or become harder as my daughter starts preschool/school and I’m not looking forward to that part!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Can’t we all just get along? Let’s hug it out.
guest
I find the harsh judgment correlates pretty well with experience and confidence. That is, the most aggressive warriors in the Mommy Wars tend to be those most unsure of their own choices. They either try to cover their doubts with a show of certainty or are desperate for others to agree with them and thereby endorse their choices.
kiwi / 623 posts
@bree72: yes! I think there’s more “advice” from in laws. I’m always like…seriously?? It was such a different time and there are so many cultural differences… How can you compare?!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I haven’t really experienced it personally, but I have seen it happen on online forums. Women getting “beat up” for using some version of CIO, for not using some version of CIO, for a gazillion other things. I think there’s a certain amount of flexibility required to get through this whole parenting thing unscathed too. I’ve seen some judgment passed on those who were the biggest fill-in-the-blank opponent who ended up changing their minds. Really, let’s all just do what works for us, we can change our mind to find what works!
The one place I find myself passing judgment is when it comes to feeding babies and young toddlers. I wouldn’t dare say anything to the parent, but DH and I have discussed on a few occasions moms with babies 9-12 months who were feeding their babies happy meals frequently – like weekly. It was more of “oh my goodness, that much sodium is not good for these babies” and a realization that these moms honestly thought that a product marketing for children, must be nutritionally sound. My reaction to those kinds of situations is more of a proactive, “how can we do a better job educating parents about good nutrition so that we can battle the obesity epidemic from the ground-up” than a “she’s doing it wrong” judgey reaction. Anyhoo, that’s a total book of a comment!